A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can I please have your advice? I have been seeing my boyfriend for over 1 year. We see each other a lot less than I would like (once a week) as he works shifts and seems to be busy working a lot. Every time I ask for more of a commitment he tells me to please stop pressuring him. He left his wife of 12 years just before he met me, and he still hasn't told his Dad he has met someone else, let alone introduced me. I have met his mum and step-Dad but was introduced as a friend, and have only been once. He still hasn't gotten a divorce and their solicitors are still back and forth with financial settlement stuff. I actually saw his wife at the shops and told him about it. He got a bit upset with me, saying that if I really loved him I would support him, not bring up the past and that he was under enough stress as it is, and that he didn't want to be with me if it was hard, he just wanted to be happy, that if I loved him I wouldn't say things to upset him. I can't help pressuring him for me, he is 35 and has told me that he loves me, wants a long-term relationship with me, he wants kids with me, but after 1 year of once a week dates I'm wondering if this could ever happen. He tells me the timing is really bad, but he wants to make this work. What on earth do I do? I am busy with my life and friends, don't answer the phone all the time to him and go out with other men in groups, but he still doesn't seem to want to 'grab' me. I'm So confused. What do I do?
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male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (9 October 2007):
 I can understand his situation completely. He is going through a tough time. Divorce is stressful. . . been there, done that. There's an old expression, once bitten, twice shy. Once you've been "bitten" by divorce, you're not apt to jump into another relationship quickly. It took me about 5 years to date anyone after my divorce. I just wasn't keen on getting involved again.
Give him all of the room he needs. If you're willing to hang in there and wait for him, so be it. If you're not, then move on. Don't force the issue.
Your last paragraph says a lot -
"What on earth do I do? I am busy with my life and friends, don't answer the phone all the time to him and go out with other men in groups, but he still doesn't seem to want to 'grab' me. I'm So confused."
You sound pretty confused. What's the purpose of not answering his phone calls? And going out with men in groups? Is this your attempt at making him jealous? You sound like a game player.
I think he's doing the right thing by not rushing into another relationship. Sorry, but that's my take on your situation.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): I have to say that he has been very honest with you and it is a very stressful situation that he is in.
What do you mean by wanting more commitment? Dont forget that his wounds are still fresh and he probably is not yet ready to get engaged or even think of marriage. you need to do your best not to pressure him too much, you dont want to push him away just so he can have an easy life.
I think you need to sit down and see what you are both hoping for the future, then agree to step back a little and support him when you are needed.
I dont agree with him not introducing you to his family members, perhaps you should discuss what the reasons behind that are, I dont think you would be unreasonable to ask that you can meet those close to him.
Take small steps - try to see him 2 times a week or 3? Im sure that depends on other commitments ie work and children?
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