A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello Guys,I've posted and answered on this site recently and I've seen some really good answers so I'm back asking a question. I've wondered about this for long while now and I think I met an answer on this site. I've been with my boyfriend for a few years now and we don't live together but we spend 2 or 3 nights per week together. We have had our ups and downs and he unfortunately can sometimes have a bit of spiteful streak in him but what really gets me is often when I challenge him or when we argue, he will threaten to leave me. The other thing he does, which actually puzzles me, is that he will then say that he is sure that my ex partner left me and not the other way around (I left my ex partner for being abusive and this was a long time ago). Why would my current partner be so concerned with who left who and why, knowing the facts, would he keep saying that he sure my ex left me as opposed to me leaving him. Is he trying to damage my self esteem or justify his own behaviour when he gets spiteful because if he believes my ex left me, it will make me seem different in his eyes.......or what! He did this again recently and it is really bugging me. I'm worried that it's not some nasty way of getting at me or is he just being juvenile? I'd really appreciate some of the wisdom I've seen on this site to give me some suggestions? When he says this it leaves me feeling really weird and uncomfortable and I would like to speak to him about it but not until I've got some more perspective on it. I can't quite understand why he always brings it up - I've never heard of anyone do this before? It actually really really upsets me and affects me. My ex partner was actually asked to leave by me and I have not lied about that to him or anyone else. Any insights would be appreciated. Thanks x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): Hello Guys this poem below is for you all who answered and made me feel so much better and clearer yesterday that my head feels a whole lot less messed up!!
If I can stop one heart from breaking
I shall not live in vain
If I can ease one life the aching
Or cool one pain
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again
I shall not live in vain
By Emily Dickinson, American Poet
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): q1605 reading your answers I was completely astonished as to how a stranger from another country could KNOW my partner SO WELL just from reading my post! One of your answers in particular blew my eyes open with a vengeance and I thank you for taking the time to think about and answer, my question. Now that you have said that your wife's ex husband was like this it all makes sense to me how you have such an acute insight into this sort of personality. Re your comment about the tie, with my partner, some days you can say something nice to him and he will smile and say 'thank you' but another day, you could ask him an innocent ordinary question and he will snap back in an irritated tone of voice "I don't KNOW - how am I supposed to know THAT' or 'what are you going on about now?' etc etc .. I'm having some time on my own at the moment and all this is really helping my thoughts to filter through clearly slowly but surely - it's quite a relief. I know exactly what you mean as well about the 'turmoil' cos when he was going through a big break up with his ex I already knew him (she was already with someone else as well) and all the turmoil that was going on in their 'corner of the world' as you so beautifully put it, seemed to find its way over to our corner. We were a peaceful bubbly happy little family (children and me) and all their 'shit' just seemed to make our corner toxic. You really hit some nails on heads here for me. Thank you so much and I'm just going to post a little poem now on here for all the people that answered me and took their precious time to write out all the long answers x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): Maybe a good beating is just what he needs....... he got a good little telling off the other day from someone and that seems to have put him in his place a bit. He bought his own house which he had to sell and give half to the ex and he made a profit it on. He is a middle income and has never been promoted so no he is not a high flier but earns reasonable money.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): btw (poster here again!) 'his ass hanging out in the wind' oh dear God that really made me laugh - cheered me up actually! I now have an ACTUAL mental image of his actual ass 'hanging out in the wind' and it is just too funny and is in fact a very apt description!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): q1605 US responder - just read your posts again and yes i can see exactly what you mean - thanks for taking the time i appreciate it and it is so good to get a male opinion on it as well as all the brilliant advice from the Aunts cos I sometimes think only men understand men properly although I sometimes think older women have been married long term and brought up sons can understand them better or maybe they've just learnt how to handle them. It's really good to get the male and female answers on the same page - and I just remembered, I have two more letters in a cupboard somewhere from my ex saying sorry for his behaviour and saying he still loves us (children and me) and would do anything to come back and had spent two days crying over it so I have proof and it is so tempting to photocopy them and give them to current partner to shut him up once and for all on this although I don't see why I should have to - sorry to go on about all this and Thanks. x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): Thanks yes I will keep you posted. He is a very complicated person I am coming to discover. He has a lot 'issues' and whilst on the one hand he can be kind, generous etc, on the other hand he can be a total handful. He is very sensitive. cannot take criticism but is very critical of other people. I have been with him over 5 years so have been reluctant to throw it away but he refuses to get counselling and sometimes he just says he needs to be on his own and blames everyone, his ex, me, politicians, you name it, for why he gets angry. When he gets angry he says it is because people have 'wound me up'. He also has road rage in the car so driving with him can be a nerve wracking experience. The other day a woman was getting her shopping out of the car on the offside so I just sort of slowed down and sort of drove round her and he got road rage in the car (it was only for my ears no one else could hear him, saying she was a 'stupid b**tch etc etc).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): To Laura 1318 - Thanks. The funny thing is, by the time my ex partner left, I really didn't care who was leaving who and the fact that it was me asking him to leave (for being abusive so with good reason) was a moot point for me. I didn't care WHO ended it I just wanted it to end and it just happened to be me that made the move to remove him from the family home. My partner is more bothered about it than I am!! When he DID leave, I was just enjoying the sense of relief too much to even think about who left who so there was no ego/who's a good guy/bad guy involved because there was too much other serious stuff that had gone on, like he had bit my daughter and bruised her face, so as far I was concerned he just HAD to go Full Stop. My partner knows all this, so in essence, he is trying to say that if my ex left me, I was too weak to even throw someone out who has hurt my child - maybe this is why it gets to me so much because I want my current partner to have some faith and trust in me as a person and not always look for ways to denigrate me. Thanks again much appreciated xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): Thank you. Yes I think i'm with you. I think he needs constant re-assurance etc .. He is one hell of a handful and it has stressed me out so much so, the other day I was ill with one thing after another and I just wished I could fall asleep and then wake up in a spa in Switzerland breathing in all that clean air right through to my brain. I feel like he is toxic. He is so angry with the world. I am a bit too nice (stupid some would say!!!) and although I am clever in other areas, I must say relationships is the area where I am not too strong. I have noticed that when he has stormed out I have always had to run after him and placate him but on one argument a while ago, I ignored him for a whole week (it nearly killed me I can tell you - I wish I was tough like some other women I know!) and when we did speak he wasn't quite as 'cocksure' as I expected him to be. I think he fears deep down that I reject him at some level and he tries to control me but all that ends up happening is I end up scared he will leave me (most people tell me I could actually do a lot better but seem to lack the confidence) so his control games work. Although I know in my mind deep down what is going on, he is the one with the big shouting voice and all the threats and somehow that works on keeping me under his control. He is angry with the world, with his ex, with various people etc.. and takes it out on me I think. But these answers you have given are really helpful. Also the times I have just kind of 'let him go' he has always come back but say he came back 'for me'. All this control stuff is doing my head in.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (16 February 2008):
 When he says your ex left you , we can infer that you are not a good woman,devil woman , unfit , whatever derogatory terms to describe you.
If you say you dump your ex, then the man is a bad guy , unfit and good for nothing SOB. LOL!
That is the difference who dumps who.
He is undermining your self esteem. He feels good if your ex left you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): Hi male reader q1605 it's the poster here thanks for your answer, when you say he is afraid that he will put himself out on a limb and I will saw it from under him do you mean he is scared i will reject him?? if you have a minute, can you clarify - i was interested in that comment but wanted to make sure i have grasped what you meant - i have to say i find the power struggle here exhausting - thanks again x
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (16 February 2008):
 My take on this, and it's only a guess, is that it's a way for him to deflect the argument onto another track where he can control the direction. Maybe you've reacted strongly enough about this in the past for him to know that he can get you off the original conflict back into an area where you get flustered and forget what you've challenged him about. You're angry about 'Q' and he gets you to forget that and answer to 'Z.'You could test this theory by completely ignoring the 'who left whom' question. I doubt he really believes that the abuser left you, but it might give him some control over the argument...Again, just a guess, but the next time he brings it up, tell him that it's irrelevant to the question at hand. I don't like the emotional blackmail of threatening to leave every time you have a conflict. A mature man would be able to discuss a disagreement without trying to bring in an ex or leaving you; that's why I think he's using it as a ploy to you to forget the real reason why there's a disagreement.That's my first take. If I have more suggestions, would you care to hear them?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): Only 2 things come to mind. Either someone told him some mis-information and this is his way of telling you or he has nothing else to come back to you with during an argument. He has nothing else to say and knows that pisses you off so he repeats it to get a rise out of you. My guy always threatened to leave every argument. Eventually I got sick of hearing it without him doin it and said go right ahead. He actually got very quiet because he had no intentions of leaving but knew it always upset me to hear before. My advice, and maybe I shoul take it myself, is to not react to anything he says unless its valid. See if you can determine if he is just spewing out words to hurt you or if he really means what he says. If he really means something, he'll most likely follow through on it and at that point at least you know its what he really wants.
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