A
female
age
51-59,
*taranto
writes:my boyfriend and i have been together for 10 years on and off. We lived together for two years, but then i left because i felt empty. He was hurt, and after i left, i wanted him back. We both live seperately now,but are back together. In the beginnig it was hard to get him back, as he called me alot, and wanted to see me, but have his cake and eat it to, if you know what i mean. He wasn't ready and wanted to be free, which tells me i left for a good reason back then. So now, it's been 4 months, and things are good. I do have a key to his place. One big thing bothers me the most. Im finding out that he keeps our relationship a secret from the people he works with, who he is close with, his family and when he goes out he does not tell anyone he has a girlfriend. Everyone see's me with him, but according to them, we are just friends. so i asked him why he doesn't tell anyone, and he says, nobody asks and he doesn't tell, which i think is not true. Is it possible he is just telling me and not others, and is really back to acting single outside of our inner circle.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): Most men are proud to introduce their gf's to the other close people in their lives. I can understand your concerns...it appears to you, he's not showing some value or faith in this relationship going the distance, is he? Has he ever alluded to that? (sayings like, "let's take this slow, day by day") Do you both discuss a future? What's the level of trust like?
This is just my personal opinion and I could be very wrong, but I will tell you what I think some possibilities are:
1) If you both are just in this for 4 months and are just beginning anew, maybe he fears it won't work again. Or maybe, when he was hurt the first time, his co-workers, friends and family advised him not to get into another romantic relationship with you. Sometimes, when people get hurt they go and vent to other people close to them. Perhaps he doesn't want to admit to them you both are seeing each other, again? If he's doing this, he's making you feel bad and like a little shameful secret. That is is very demeaning to you. You are special and you should be allowed in his life completely. So I don't blame you for feeling hurt disturbed by what is occurring.
or another thing could be happening,
2) Has there been other woman in his life, when you and he had splits/time apart/breakups? If he hasn't been with a lot of other dating partners...it could also mean that if he agreed to start dating you, because he's lonely, he wants the intimacy of sex but isn't looking at you for anything but a glorified booty call. Sound silly? Well, it's happened many a time and the woman was totally caught unaware! This is where the respect issue comes into play. If he's not introducing you to his friends down the road, and doesn't appear to take pride that he's with you...it really could mean that all you are is a sex buddy for him and that's it.
Both possibilities above are not good. In both cases, this relationship seems to lack the trust and solidarity that is required to keeping it ongoing, strong and meaningful--snd there appears to be no respect for you. You need to tell him how you feel. Listen, however you do this and whatever you find out...just remember, We usually want people in our life, who are good for us and are open to having a mutually, generous, love relationship. I think you and he need to have a big talk and see if this relationship is worth it. It may well, be time for you to move on.. Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, older1sttimemom +, writes (29 May 2009):
Oh dear....I so know the pain you are going through.
I know you love this man and it will rip your heart apart to do what I'm suggesting, but please hear me out.
You have already given 10 years of your life (off and on) to a man who will not commit. Now you are continuing the cycle of a relationship going nowhere when you can clearly see that he is not going to commit to you. Any man that keeps you a secret is not worthy of you.
Sweetheart, you need to be very strong here and although it will be very hard, you need to leave TODAY. You've given him 10 years -don't give him another second. You are putting your life on hold and time is passing by. What about your dreams and wishes? What would make you happy? I doubt that being pushed aside in this so called relationship is high on your list of what you thought you wanted in your life.
Yes, it will be hard -I've been there/done that. It took me until I was almost 37 to be married for the first time as I spent WAY too much time on guys like this. Please have some respect for yourself and leave TODAY. And don't keep in touch with him at all. You never know -the sudden departure (and self confidence he will see), may be the key to his heart. However, I wouldn't count on it.
Focus on yourself -join a gym or get into fitness big time...do whatever you can to make yourself look and feel great. Please try to see someone for counseling too as it sounds like your self esteem is not in the right place and I'm worried about you.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. I will not allow you to waste another minute. Remember that there is someone out there for everyone -but you can't find him by spending another minute with this time waster.
Please let me know if I can help
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