A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Merry Xmas to you all, and thank u in advance for reading this.I don't know if my situation is rectifiable or not, so if anybody can help me sort this one I will be truly grateful and if I'm being honest kind of surprised! I know there doesn't sound like much hope so far, with my choice of words. Maybe I don't deserve it, but still I'm hoping I can turn things around with your help.So, my problem involves a guy I have been casually involved with on and off for the last 12 months. When I first approached him I'd already been attracted to him since the first time I saw him (3 months prior), but at the time I had a boyfriend. I wasnt intending to cheat, I wasnt sure what I hoped, I just wanted to see what would happen and go with the flow. Looking back, this was obviously the wrong thing to do, as I should've had strict boundaries in place, like I always had in the past if ever a similar situation came up. I even used to come across as cold to other guys just to be clear I wasn't interested.Anyway, I didnt this time. I know you've heard it before, but yes my relationship with my boyfriend was not right. That's another story - but we had issues, but never any cheating beforehand in the 10 yrs we were together.So, basically me and this other guy became friendly meeting up for drinks, I really fancied him and I thought he showed interest too. So I wanted to find out what he thought of me before i tell him i liked him, so he told me he liked me and we could go out. I wanted to be truthful to him, so ended up telling him I like him "but have got a boyfriend but I wasnt happy ". So the outcome was he said he would wait while I finish things with my boyfriend. However, we began sexting each other and he tried to kiss me on two separate occasions but I said I couldn't cheat.At the time I knew I definitely didnt want a relationship or anything serious with this new guy ( at least for now) so I needed to make sure that he wasnt expecting that. So, without me telling him I didn't want anything serious I asked him what he was looking for. He said "a bit of fun, I don't want a relationship". His answer sounded bang on, exactly what I was after! I just got the impression of what type of person he was, and for me he seemed a bit rough - in a way I couldn't work out, I thought his interests wouldn't be the same as mine and thought we liked different styles- this was before I got to know him. So I thought I would be safe.Anyway, back to him trying to kiss me twice which i refused...the sexting still continued and just became too much and we eventually ended up getting physically involved, however no sex as I was still with someone.My boyfriend and I tried some time apart on many occasions and all this time I had this new guy to keep me occupied. Well, I got to know this guy and his ways and came to realise what fun he is, how considered he is in his choices and his interests are similar so I decided I quite like him more than I thought I would, cause I misjudged him to start with.However, I was able to stop myself from falling from him as he had put up a barrier by saying he didnt want a relationship. So there has always been this distance and I'm fine with that if there's no chance of anything more happening between us. Just to be clear, I am single now and have been for 6 months. Me and the new guy did eventually end up sleeping together once I was single. However, shortly after this happened he went quiet and then said he was seeing someone. I don't know if this is true, or whether he wanted some space, or even whether he is just exaggerating the status of someone else who he is casually with. But things are off with us for now at least.I really like this guy. I'm not in love with him, and it doesn't hurt me or anything that hes with someone else, I'm just disappointed I can't see him anymore like that.To start with, he said we couldn't meet up for drink anymore but we're still friends. Then the other day he suggested he'd buy me a drink, so I wondered if he had broken up with this other girl, but apparently not. Since then he has been very 'subtlety' flirting with me. He is also willing to meet up but 'just as friends'.I'm wondering why is he keeping me around?I really regret the way we started our interactions. I just wonder if I was properly single from the beginning whether me and him could've had a chance. But now I feel like I've blown it totally.I've never cheated before in my life. Do you think I have blown all my chances with him or is there any way back? Obviously him saying he is with someone now that puts it all on hold anyway. Or could he be testing me?I don't know what to think or to do. Any suggestions or advice is very welcome. Thank you.
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (27 December 2013):
 Well first off, yes, you have cheated. It's called emotionally cheating. just because you didn't physically sleep with another man, doesn't mean you weren't cheating. What you did was pretty low. And most certainly cheating in my book.
Moving on. I think this guy got it in his mind that you were a booty call and nothing more. Just some girl to flirt and have fun with, but not relationship material. He realized this when he saw first hand that you were taken, yet still putting out (through text) for him. And it probably made him not want to date you. I know I wouldn't date a girl when was cheating on her partner with me. It would show she's a cheater. But would I use them for sex? Oh yeah, most definitely.
He probably senses that you got a bit too close or began developing something for him, then made up this new gf out of nowhere, just to get you to back off. Sounds like his way of controlling the situation.
If I were you, I'd back off completely and let this one go.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 December 2013):
 To expand Sageoldguy's thought, men like this keep in touch with you so they don't ever have to go through the pain of celibacy, because they know that girlfriends come and go, especially when they have hard times committing. I think he does have a girlfriend right now. It's validating to some men (and I emphasize some) to have a regular sure thing and a play thing in between being able to find that. It's pointless to go back in time now. When you want something serious then you would be cold to men who seem like players.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2013): Game is over! for him, and you know why!...they get what they want and move to the next challenge...simple as is
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 December 2013):
 It was validating to see a woman endure this predicament.... which is something that we guys find ourselves in, all the time.....
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