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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hi everyone. I am 38 and with a long time partner. We have a son together (and I have another one from my marriage)and get on reasonably well. We have quite busy lives up at 6 am and running around till children in bed at 9 pm. The normal rat race type of thing. Then we have a bit of time to relax. I like reading in bed and he really likes “playing games” on the computer to relax. Because he is actually watching porn. He doesn’t think I know, but I do. I have always left him to it, and not said anything. He usually deletes his history etc on the computer, but sometimes he forgets, and I can see what he was looking at. Just lately I am hitting 40 and feeling a bit fragile about the wrinkles appearing-more very morning in the mirror. And couple that with the girls my partner looks at, has me feeling a bit down.He looks at everything that I am not… He likes short-haired brunets/redheads that are tall and big breasted. I, of course, am blonde, long hair, small boobs, and vertically challenged! I don’t wear glasses, he actually googles “hot girls with glasses”. I am causcasian, he looks at asian girls. I have hair on my privates, he looks for smooth shaven girls.I thought maybe I was imagining this. So I went and had my hair cut short. I mean, since this is what he fantasizes about, I figured he would like it! I came home and he was not very impressed at all! Wondered why I would make such a drastic change? And that I looked “fine before”. Anyway, as I was settling into my new hairstyle, I noticed that he started googling long haired women… I kid you not!I then decided to shave my privates. He was keen on it initially. But now it hardly catches his attention. Next moment he is looking for hairy girls and “natural” girls.Now I seriously am getting a complex!!! Why is he always searching for what I am NOT? Am I not good enough??? Why does it seem that everything he wants, is everything I aint!!! That is definitely what it is feeling like at the moment. Why does he not just tell me, and move on if that is the case. Then I can be free to look for someone who does like me!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): I'll be honest, when I look at porn I tend to do the same thing. Is it because I'm not attracted to my girlfriend? Not in the least bit. It's because I'm a dude, and by nature, dude's always want what they don't have. If they like brunettes and start dating one, they'll probably start noticing blonds more. If they love girls with big breasts, they may start appreciating women with smaller figures. I can't explain why we do it, we just simply do it. The best analogy I can think of involves food. Lets say you absolutely LOVE chocolate chip cookies. It's your favorite dessert. Now lets say you start eating plates of chocolate chip cookies every single day, for months and years on end. Eventually, you're going to start desiring something else right? You still like those chocolate chip cookies, but after a while you might want fudge brownies. It's the concept of always desiring what you can't have. Don't let it get your self-esteem down. If you're man didn't want you, he would leave you. Let him have his fantasies, and rock his world every night with those chocolate chip cookies ;)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): It's amazing to me that people respond with answers like " he just wants to look at something different to you" and then expect women not be hurt over this.
If any man I'm with so needs to look at other women he can bet his bottom dollar I won't be keen to get naked with him anytime soon.
People always say, just accept it, it means nothing, yet when will men accept that for many women a guy who uses pen I the biggest turn off and affects any desire we have to ever have sex with him again.
Of course, this isn't all women, only the ones with self respect who know they are good enough not to have to settle for a guy who needs to get of on someone different to them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010): Your husband is normal. My fiance does the same thing. His type is petite, large-breasted, brunettes. I'm a flat-chested, tall, blonde. I once dyed my hair darker because he requested and i looked old and tired. He switched to blondes for porn viewing until i redyed it.
i've accepted that his porn is for his personal use and i don't let it bother me because it doesn't interfere with our love life or our relationship.
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A
female
reader, Dial-Emma  +, writes (26 May 2010):
To answer your last question-yes of course you are good enough!! Understandably your feeling more insecure about yourself as your partner looks at pornography of other girls. Often people like to have fantasies that are completely different from what they experience in real life, but just because your partner looks at things different from you doesn't necessarily mean that this is what he wants.I think you definitely need to confront him about this, otherwise you will never know his thoughts behind it. It may just be a case of he's looking up different types of girls for a variety, and that it's nothing personal against you.However, I understand your concern about him looking up girls that are different from you, but it may just mean that he thinks you are so beautiful that no other girls with similar stats to you would do anything for him.I doubt that he necessarily wants these girls more than you, but as I said find out directly from him-for your own security!
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A
female
reader, cnith  +, writes (26 May 2010):
 Honey, he's looking for fantasies. If he wanted the girls he's looking at he would have gone out with THEM, not you.
Leave the man to his visuals. They have nothing to do with you. It's no different than you drooling over Brad Pitt or whoever. It's just eye candy.
Unless the thing gets excessive where he's doing porn and not you, I'd say don't worry about it.
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