A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been through a couple of serious breakups in my life but for some reason the one that happened recently has seemingly destroyed me. I dated someone for a very short period of time albeit knowing him for over 12 years. We were only together for 4 months when he ended it reason being he didn't have enough time for me. Mind you- he pursued me heavily, he was the first to say he was falling in love with me and I had honestly never felt or seen someone so excited over just being with me. The only thing we ever argued about was time. He never gave me enough of it. If there was another option to choose over me, he would take it. Friends, family, sitting at home not doing anything and his hobbies all were placed before me. I couldn't understand why someone who seemed so serious about wanting it to work would never put me first place.It was sort of a long distance relationship, he lives about 2 hours away though we live 1 street apart at home. He was home every weekend but really just to spend time with his family or go hunting. It got to the point where if I was lucky I would get to see him for an hour in a car before he left for his apartment on Sunday nights. He started realizing how unhappy I was (I genuinely like him) and said he would work to fix it but ultimately decided to cut me from his life despite saying he never would.We were then on and off up until about a month ago when we had an explosive fight. He gave me an hour in a car saying he wanted to spend time with his family and then the next night went to a friends house party all evening to get drunk. Subsequently I found out he was back on dating apps which he attributed to his "friends" doing and had them deleted. Basically it got to the point where we no longer talked and he said he didn't want anything with me anymore. I realize how absurd this sounds that I am upset over someone who treated me this way. I'm not innocent, I complained a lot when he didn't give me attention which he always felt was nagging. But it always boiled down to me only seeing him on the weekends and really wanting to maximize my time with him.Fast forward to Christmas.. He texted me that he missed me often but knows this is for the best. A couple days later he came over to my place to check on me (I had surgery) and let me cuddle with him but when I went to kiss him he told me it was bad and we shouldn't. Then he told me he had no feelings for me and we don't have a future together. But 5 minutes before he had me wrapped up in his arms like he missed me and still cared!!I know this makes him seem like an a^^hole but other than being selfish, he is a good heated person. My problem is I feel like I'm beside myself with the break up. Maybe it was hearing he doesn't care about me anymore that really hit home. But I have felt like I'm so low and depressed over someone who really wasn't a great fit for me. Even if we tried it again none of the time or priority issues would be resolved. So given that I know it makes me unhappy and he hurts me a lot, why in the world can't I move on?!
View related questions:
christmas, depressed, drunk, long distance, move on, period, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 January 2017):
 You will move on, but you need to allow yourself that time to heal. He cannot just come visit you. There needs to be a strict no contact rule so that you have a chance off moving on.
He really doesn't know what he wants. He likes the chase but got bored when he had you. It is hard when someone tells you they have no feelings but you need to listen to him. He may have hugged you and visited you, but that does not mean he wants to be with you. So now drop all contact, block his details. It does get easier.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2017): Sorry for that you're going through. It takes time to heal when you've been hurt like this.
The best way to get over someone is to remove them completely from your life. Block his number, don't let him stop over to visit, don't contact him.
He might be a nice man, but he certainly gave you mixed signals, don't allow him to hurt you anymore. Pick a man who makes you a priority.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2017): Before committing to each other, people have to take all things into account. Everyone is far too eager to label each other girlfriend and boyfriend, without evaluating every aspect of their romantic-connection.
Can you handle the distance between you? Do work schedules conflict? What about the frequency of dating and contact? This all has to be negotiated in-advance.
Compatibility factors: tempers, pet-peeves, temperament, personality-flaws, health, and trust-issues. These all have to be evaluated and considered. Not tossed to the wind, just because someone says "I love You" first. The love has to be maintained and nurtured. It also needs time and attention. It even has to be reassessed from time to time, to see if it is progressing to higher levels.
Your breakup is fresh, so time will ease the pain of it. Your ego is damaged, no one likes to be rejected.
No reason is a good reason to be rejected, as far as the heart is concerned. It may make sense logically; but the pain goes away when the stubborn subconscious-mind can process and accept it. When all the brain-chemicals that attached you, detach and dissolve emotional-connection. You're over him when all the "feel-good" hormones and brain-chemicals are no longer produced for that particular person. It's a complex biological and emotional process.
Nowadays, people have little or no patience. So what humans normally go through over time, everyone wants to recover or regain in an instant. You don't have buttons, gauges, and indicator-lights. You're human, sweetie! You feel loss and grief when you lose something of value.
People have to have well-balanced lives. It must include friends, family, and hobbies. If there isn't enough room for all of this and a love-life; you have to compromise and set priorities. There will be times you also make self-sacrifice in order to maintain peace, harmony, and tranquility.
He had time to pursue you, but he suddenly didn't have time to maintain the prize once he got it. Then it was the thrill of the hunt, and the challenge, not so much the prize. Maybe the prize was won too easily?
He tired of the nagging for sure. We hear only one side of the story; so we don't know how much is fact, and how much is to build your case. You get benefit of the doubt, it's your post. I'll let you and the other ladies beat him up; but I'm sure he does have some things to say in his own defense. The point is, it ended. It was only four months.
It was a world-wind love-affair. Sex was probably the greater part of it.
The "L-word" gets women hook, line, and sinker. You have to allow people to prove love over time and by deed/actions. The words are easy to say aloud. You don't have to mean them. If you see something you want not giving-in as easily or quickly as you want, some play dirty. Say you love her. Takes time for that word to be proven. It starts from seed to blossom, then to fruit.
So suddenly, he's not so interested? Sudden change in priorities, and shift in his attention? Surely he wasn't smothered with love? A demand for a daily-performance of the courtship ritual? That does taper-off. It is intense only at the beginning, hits fever-pitch; then things mellow and flow. Then you compromise, negotiate, and work it out.
You didn't notice he had a very active life, and distance didn't matter until after the fact?
I'm not going for all the the bad-mouthing and heaping all the blame on him. It goes two ways. You have to know what you want, set standards, verbalize your expectations, and know what you're able to deal with before you "commit." That requires some give and take. If you're giving more than you get; then you painfully and wisely let go.
Give yourself some time. Distract yourself with family, friends, and hobbies. That's also therapy for healing.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 January 2017):
 You can't move on because you're not allowing yourself to move on. You don't want to accept the fact that someone who seemingly loved you so much, now by his own admission doesn't care about you at all. That as you said, has hit you hard, and severely dented your self esteem. The relationship keeps playing in your mind and you cannot come to terms with how it ended. From being pursued relentlessly to bring treated badly to then being dumped mercilessly, it's all gotten to you.
OP you and only you can help yourself. You have to remember something very important here. He didn't dump you because there was something wrong with you. He left you because he didn't think that you were worth fighting over and that's HIS loss. And that's fine really. Not everyone understands or appreciates good people. You can be Princess Diana and have the world at your feet and your husband would still leave you for Camilla Parker. Go figure!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 January 2017):
 You dated a "collector". Think of a person who is into rare books, coins, stamps.... whatever. Someone who likes to collect things for the prestige and because deep down they hope it will eventually pay off for them.
Your "collector" pursued you hard because he deemed you "worthy" of "collecting". He has known you for over 12 years and probably had a crush for a long time, making YOU into this "fantasy perfect girl down the street". He LOVED the idea of having a GF, he just couldn't be bothered with putting in the time, effort and work a relationship takes. Which makes him.... pretty immature.
But all his faults set aside - the reason you are having a hard time is because he toyed with you and blindsided you. You thought he WANTED to be with you, turns out... he didn't. Not really. SO CUT all contact with him. DON'T allow him to waltz in and out as HE sees fit. YOU still have feelings for him so the BEST thing you can do is just cut him off while you work on moving on.
And accept that this guy? Wasn't such a big prize after all.
Basically, OP cut the crap. (he is the crap here) and you will find that moving on will become easier.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2017): For what it is worth I think he sounds like an immature man child. He pursued you hard, made you think he was really invested and valued you enough to show so much interest. And when he got what he wanted, he changed his mind. The age old relationship fight over 'time' always rears its head at some point - I often fight with my bf about him spending enough time with me, and putting me first above his friends and hobbies. But I can honestly say that most (not all) of the time I win out. This guy has not treated you right and not even attempted a balance. He has played with your emotions. And made you a low priority while giving the impression that you would be a high priority. He essentially create false pretence while trying to woo you. The problem is with him and not you. He set you up for a fall. And then playing with your emotions further by saying he misses you. As you can see he has gotten me mad. Don't let him make you question your worth. He has treated you poorly and that is why you are hurting. It probably makes you feel like you did something wrong and that is why he has changed his mind after pursuing so hard - but it's not you, the issues are with him. He might like the chase, he sounds afraid of the commitment, and he sounds like a child who wants his friends and parties over a good woman. You are not missing out with him honey. He could've had it all with you, it is his loss now.
...............................
|
