A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my husband (we've only been married since Aug. 2019) have had one of the biggest arguments since we got together in 2012. We last saw each other in November 2002 when I was 18, but lost touch until April 2012.We have a 4-year-old daughter, Kate, and my husband has started arguing with me over parenting; he insists we have to parent her the way things were done in 2003, he's been reading articles online from April 2003 on parenting and insisting "How we do things in 2021 is not the right way... it's FAKE NEWS, Misinformation!" and he's told me we have to do this.He's VERY insistent this has to happen, but I've told him that we need to keep with the times; he claims 2003 was a great year mostly and he's started having an nostalgia about it and an insistence we live the 2003 lifestyle. His nostalgia is for the way society was, he says "Back in 2003 none of this stupid woke nonsense and the pop music was good; plus, society didn't have people arguing over fake news and misinformation".He keeps saying about how in 2003 we didn't have to deal with woke culture, which he finds annoying about 2021, and says society needs to go back to the values and attitudes of 2003 to be better, post-coronavirus.I think he just wants his youth back, possibly.He's a good dad to our daughter, no denying that.But the biggest issue here is his obsessiveness with the past; he's not telling me what to wear directly, just suggesting it he keeps suggesting I start wearing the crop tops and short shorts I liked wearing in the 2000s, but I'd feel embarrassed by now and I guess it's inappropriate for a mom to wear them everywhere. I can't really suggest to him what to wear since men's fashion ain't something I know loads about. He's always very complimentary about how I look; loads of compliments throughout the day.He's a good guy, but I'm wondering why he really wants me to parent our daughter the way people did things in 2003... and asking him only gets a response relating to how good the year was for things.Is this a sign of mental health issues or should I start to be concerned more?I'm very concerned and don't know who to talk to about this. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2021): I think that as people get older they reminisce about certain times and think that was when things were best, for some reason he has emphasized that year in particular. I wonder does he get fixated on certain things in life? Its almost the way he has researched into it and including what he thinks you should wear an OCD behaviour, I wonder if that is why you asked if it was his mental health? Its not related but my friends son in law went ballistic a couple of weeks ago at my friend because his young daughter stayed with her and the little girl got hold of some scissors and cut her fringe. He said he had reacted that way because he had thought of the danger the little lady could have had and she was trying to grow her fringe even though on discussion with my friend her granddaughter had said a few times she wanted it cutting as it was getting in her eyes. My friend was distraught but we talked it though and highlighted that he was very over protective of his daughter, the fringe was about what he wanted and more importantly he had been under a lot of stress with the year we have a had.I ask you to look at why he is now acting this way, what is it about? Stress? Worry about his daughter? Possibly an OCD fixation? As pointed out he is questioning your parenting skills maybe? And trust me this is normal with parents to have differences of opinion.You both need to work this out and see why now he is fixated, there is a reason behind it x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2021): Hi
Oh dear, what a strange trouble. My advice would be very simple, no label, no time frame, just love your child, discipline your child, help them understand personal responsibility and honesty and bring them up the way you BOTH want to.
I have to be honest I find it disturbing that parents refer to certain 'styles' to bring children up, every child is individual and has different needs. Children are not robots that fit into categories.
Yes, apparently there are many styles, always have been for example. The Lawnmower???
parents who mow down obstacles so that their kids won't have to endure adversity.
I find this particular example despicable parenting, that is robbing children of their own learning and robbing them of their creative development, for problem solving. This must churn out weak individuals with no gumption to face a challenge, and cry babies if they don't get what they expects SOMEBODY ELSE to achieve for them.
Your husband is right there is a certain culture at the moment and it's very very fake, are you just not capable of been a loving mother by NATURE? why refer to any past timeline? No he does not have mental health issues, your style of parenting obviously is not his.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 February 2021):
 I didn't know that there was such a thing as "parenting as it was 2003"!
I mean I get the dress like "insert" fashionable year/period. But parent? That's a new one!
OK so what happened in 2003? Well, it was 2 years after the Twin Towers, Iraq was invaded, terrorist bombings all around the world. People had cell phones, computers, internet - but less access to "instant gratification" in many areas. Little KIDS did not all have cell phones or personal tech.
So I have to ask WHAT is it he doesn't agree with you on as far as parenting?
Discuss it and find common ground, comprise with each other to raise your daughter as best as you BOTH can.
As for him wanting you in tube tops and short shorts, that is ENTIRELY up to you. If you feel you are not interested in that, then tell him no thanks honey, I'll leave those outfit for people with a less mature taste in clothes. If you are not comfortable wearing it, don't. You write "e's always very complimentary about how I look; loads of compliments throughout the day." so I'm thinking you can probably wear a brown paper-bag and he will compliment you. Which means you don't HAVE to wear crop tops or whatever HE likes.
Also, as someone who had her second child in 2002 I don't think there is such a "thing" as raising your child as "they (whoever THEY are) did in 2003".
I think RAISING a child to THINK for themselves, to learn manners, think before they do, be safe, be curious, be smart, work hard, be kind, have a spine and also have compassion, strive to DO the best THEY can, and BE the best they can be is a good thing. to learn to use COMMON sense! I don't think that is a modern way to parent. Or a specific era/year.
Of course HOW you do that to a kid age 4 is VERY different approach from how you do it at age 10, 14 etc.
I have read some articles on "modern parenting tips" and I ROLL my eyes, shake my head and I feel SO sorry for those kids. I can understand your husband if you are into some of this (pardon my expression) nonsensical garbage. If you are not, then you need him to be more SPECIFIC on what it is he doesn't agree with. And find a middle ground.
If he thinks hitting/spanking is an OK way to discipline and you do not, then you need to have a talk about that. Same with yelling. Being overbearing. Too overprotective.
Parenting is for both of you. It's something you might not ALWAYS agree on (my husband and I CERTAINLY don't, on many occasions - because we had VERY different upbringings.)
READ some books, suggest HE finds some books too. Swap books and ideas.
Tell him to BE specific. Don't let him get off with just throwing "it was a good year" out there as an explanation.
Him not agreeing 100% with you or having a different opinion doesn't mean there is something WRONG mentally with him (or you). It just means you two don't communicate very effectively with each other.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2021): Oh my.Mental illness for sure.I personally would never leave him alone with your child.Have him get help...This is in no way normal.
...............................
|
