A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 11 years and we have a child together. He recently turn 30 and it was very hard for him. I am a year younger than him. He recently met this girl who was not married when he met her she was engaged and was at her bachelorette. They kept in touch and she got married and still talked to him all the time they txt and talk and every time he says he ends things he says she ropes him back. We have had problems because of this and he says he has been in a relationship to long and wanted to be alone so we took so time apart but he still wanted to talk and look for me and he says he loves me and wants to be with me but that my attitude doesn't allow him to be. He wants to fix our relationship but when I ask when he is going o stop doing what he is doing he says when he wants to I don't know what I should do if to try to work things out. The girl is married she is younger and has kids.She also doesn't live close by so its not like they see each other everyday. he says she means nothing to him and would never take her serious but then I don't understand why he does not stop.... I don't know what to do or to believe anymore she is already ruined our relationship but like I tell him he is going to ruin her marriage
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (16 October 2015):
I might be missing a few things here that I do not understand. How was turning 30 for him hard? I am 29 so I am curious about this.
I am also unsure how exactly she ruined your relationship with him? Did she tell him to do something? Or is it that him just talking to her bringing up these issues.
At any rate I think there are too many underlying issues because you have issues about this outside party and he has issues with your attitude. After 11 year there might be many things that need to be worked on, more than some blog post can fix so I think the best advice would be to seek out some marriage counselling, taking the relationship to a third party to actually find out what is going on between the two of you. You both have issues that need to be worked out and even if I had the capacity to help your relationship, I would need to hear both sides.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 October 2015):
 You know... it makes no sense for him to keep her around as a "chit chat" buddy if "he says she means nothing to him ". And since they met on her hen-night out, I would NOT be surprised if something went on between them - I have been on enough hen-nights to know that you DO NOT go out the "make friends" but to have fun and some for a "last hurrah".
And male nonny is right, SHE didn't ruin your relationship, YOUR BF did. She might ruin her marriage and THAT in on her. SHE isn't doing this to you, HE is.
Your BF want's to be single, do as he pleases and then "play house" with you when THAT suits him.
YOU are listening to his words, but not looking at his actions.
He SAYS one things " she means nothing to him " but the fact that he STILL keeps talking to her means that she DOES mean something to him. Whether she is "entertainment", a text or sext buddy - SHE does mean something to him.
He SAYS he loves you and wants to be with you but that YOUR attitude doesn't allow him to be. So now he is also NOT taking responsibility for his actions. He is basically telling you to SHUT up and PUT up with his behavior, because HE wants her in his life no matter how it affect the relationship. HE is also saying it's YOUR fault the relationship isn't working, not him. Because you EXPECT fidelity and for him to pay attention to YOU his SO and partner, not some "chick who means nothing to him".
You say: "I don't understand why he does not stop..." Because he is thinking: "you can't tell me what to do!" (the you being YOU, his GF). That is the mindset of a 5 year old or in this case, a very selfish person.
Sorry, I don't see anyway YOU can fix this, only he can. And he CHOOSES not to. I'd let him go. Get child-support for your child, set up visitation, and move on as a single mom.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (16 October 2015):
 The whole bachelorette scenario sounds a bit suss to me.
You mention : "She also doesn't live close by so its not like they see each other everyday." So they see each other too?
Im sorry but if they're seeing each other, then there is a higher than high chance they're fu*king each other too. Have you seen the content of what they are txt'ing?Gives reason as to why he won't cut her loose. He says she means nothing to him, well that sounds like he is appeasing his own guilt and she obviously does because he is letting her be the ongoing cause of your relationship breaking down.
Her marriage is her problem, like him, she can choose not to let this carry on. If you are willing to stay in the relationship why not take some control and call her yourself and tell her to fu*k off out of the picture. If he wants to stay in the relationship then boundaries and consequences need to be set and understood. Good luck to you
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2015): "every time he says he ends things he says she ropes him back"He's lying. If he really wanted her out of the picture, then she'd be out of the picture."he says he loves me and wants to be with me but that my attitude doesn't allow him to be"He wants the freedom to do as he pleases while keeping you around as backup Plan B and it's easier to blame you than accept responsibility for his actions. "I don't understand why he does not stop...." Because talking to her feeds his ego.". . .she is already ruined our relationship but like I tell him he is going to ruin her marriage"You have it backwards. HE has ruined your relationship and SHE is going to ruin her marriage. Sorry, but you've hooked up and had a kid with a lying, disrespectful, cowardly scumbag who's looking to cheat on you if he hasn't already. I can only hope for the sake of your child that you haven't allowed yourself to become financially dependent on a guy to whom you are not legally related because you are very likely going to be a single mother raising a child on your own.Since you aren't married I suggest you consult an attorney to see if your state recognizes common-law marriages, and if not then what rights you may have as a long-term shack-up girlfriend and baby mama.
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