A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years this month, and the last 7 months have been without sex. We're both in our mid/upper 20s and have goals of starting a family, and up until about 7 months ago we had a perfectly normal sex life. I love this woman more than anything, but this one decision, which I seem to have no choice but support, frustrates me to no end. About 7 months ago we had, what I guess could be called the "future talk", where we sat down, and with loving eyes talked to each other about moving in together and eventually getting married in another year or two. Everything seemed to be going perfectly until one evening in bed I sort of got the cold shoulder and she told me that she had decided that she wanted to wait until we were married to have any more sex, because it should be a special experience between a husband and a wife. What I can't wrap my head around is why this change of viewpoint occurred so suddenly. We had sex regularly prior to making decisions pertaining to our future with one another. Up until then we both shared the same values when it came to sex - have it with someone you love and care about, but marriage isn't necessary. Sex is of course not the most important thing in a relationship to me, but it does play a part, I'm not going to lie. I just don't want to sound like a jerk who's complaining along the lines of("Aaaarrrgh my gf won't put out help me plz")Some things I do know: it isn't a self image/confidence issue, she's always been an open person with boat loads of self confidence. She does seem to still WANT it (she'll lean over sometimes and say things like ("I really WISH we could but it will be so much more special if...."), she's certainly not seeing someone else, I trust her far too much and we're together basically all the time. All I can think of is that she had a radical change in what sex should mean to her and doesn't seem to be looking back. I've talked to her about it in many ways and often: frankly, in subtle ways - you name it. I usually cave though because I end up in a position where I have to answer the question, "So you're telling me you don't think it would be more special if we were married?" and even I KNOW if I say anything other than "yes, it would be" to that I've dug myself an impossible hole. Has anyone EVER had this happen before? She knows I don't like it (the prospect of waiting another year and a half at least, probably longer for sexual relief isn't on my wish list.)Is there another way I can talk to her about this? I've tried just about everything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008): I think your girlfriend is telling you in no uncertain terms that she wants a marriage commitment from you and doesn't believe you really want the same thing as you vaguely put her off with possibly, maybe in a year or two, and in the meantime you expect and want all the benefits of a committed life time relationship, maybe she doesn't see it that way, like why would you buy the cow if you can get the milk for free.....she seems pretty serious about wanting that commitment and that step from you before she will continue to put her heart on the line and give you the most intimate part of herself....her body, you apparantly already have her heart as you are still her boyfriend of 2.5 years.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008): She is using sex as a control mechanism. Tell her your not happy with the situation and if this is a sign of how she's going to behave when youre married you will have to rethink your position.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (1 February 2008):
 I think she wants to see that you are serious about getting married. Eventualllllllllly seems to be stretching out to her. I don't think it's fair to you, it kind of emotional blackmail, but I don't think open ended plans are fair to her and are emotional blackmail as well, like "We'll get married some day". Has one of her friends gotten married or had a baby recently, say 7 months ago? Women approaching their thirties want to settle down at that age and start thinking about starting a family, and it seems like she doesn't believe that you are serious about this because, "sex is for someone you love and care about but marriage isn't necessary". So she's uncertain that you are ever going to marry her without having to resort to giving up her own sex life.
Maybe a good compromise that will get both of you back on track is to have a formal engagement? Buy a ring, get down on one knee, the whole nine yards. It will prove to her that you are serious about your future together. I'm sure that she wants her sex life back too.
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A
female
reader, hello1  +, writes (1 February 2008):
 This seems to be her way of getting you two to get married quicker. Some couples do this, once they plan the date they say we'll wait till the wedding night to have sex. But your g/f going a bit over the top by waiting a year. I think she wants the wedding sooner. It's not fair what she's doing
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A
female
reader, xdarkendhopex +, writes (1 February 2008):
 The only thing you realy can do is to wait. If you love her, you can wait. And there's always masterbation. But talk to her about how it bothers you too. Keep bringing it up, but not to seriously.
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