A
female
age
51-59,
*erryA
writes:It is late at night and I am sitting here not knowing what to think or how to get through this.My partner of 4 years has left me tonight to go back to his wife. He never divorced her but left years ago to have a fulfilling and loving relationship with me. He didn't get on with her.... so why? She has never given up and we have had money troubles.....It was their wedding anniversary today and she gave him an ultimatum and he went?!I am in shock. He was my best friend and we were so close. He said he loved me so much.
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anniversary, best friend, divorce, money, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (31 October 2008):
 I am really sorry for what you are going through and can tell you really love him. Sometimes when a man has been married the ties are just too strong esp if the wife makes it clear she will always take him back. With the credit crunch in the Uk that probably also paid a factor in his decision if he is financially struggling and she is quite wealthy. I don't think for one minute he loved her more than he loves you but the constant nagging of his mother and the wifes willingness to take him back probably paid their part. This man is without doubt going to be knocking on your door again shortly as soon as he and the wife fall out or whatever forced them apart rears its ugly head again and what you have to do is be very strong and not take him back. If you take him back this will go on and on for years. She won't care as it suits her but you will be the one who is upset as you are not his wife. Please don't let yourself be put in this invidious position and when he comes knocking tell him to get lost. In the meantime pack all his stuff up into bin bags so there is no long drawn out scene where you are following him around the house while he is packing asking him to change his mind etc. You must keep your head up high in this and don't beg or look desperate or needy. If you have the guts wish him well.
You have to remember you have done absolutely nothing wrong and have done nothing to deserve this at all. It is just one of those awful things in life that happen. Just keep strong and your emotions in check and do not under any circumstances take him back whatever he promises you. You will get through this and you will be fine.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (31 October 2008):
 Sorry but you made the decision to have an affair with a married man. This is what usually happens, the other woman ends up alone, wondering why he went back to his wife. If you don't want to waste anymore years then it is time to close this chapter in your life and vow never to get involved with a married man. If you don't you'll be getting sloppy seconds off and on from this cheater. Your choice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): Dear Poster
Thanks for the additional Information. Unfortunately yes, with that, I can see, there were some red lights flashing. The excuse for the divorce is not acceptable. I think it was more a case of him keeping the back door open. As there is no children, he had no reason to stay in contact; the mother probably had a large influence as well; him going back a few times in the past; a sign that he was not totally committed to you either.
However, he has once again decided to go back and try to reconcile his marriage. You now will have to draw the line; no matter how difficult this might be; LET HIM GO; you must not allow him back in your life (unless in time to come he can show you the divorce papers).You need to make a complete break; you need to cut all ties; don't allow him to keep you on a string in case things again don't work out with her; no you must not be available as a back stop.
Yes, it will be difficult but you have to do that to be able to heal and to move forward with your life; you deserve somebody that is committed to you and you only; you don't have to share a man or live in the shadow of another woman.
No matter how difficult this will be; let it be a lesson and warn others too; NEVER get involved with a married guy that is going to get a divorce; no, unless he is divorced or you can at least see that that the divorce proceedings are near finality; stay away; trust me you are not the only one, this happen to women more often then what you can imagine.
Lift your head high; you have done nothing wrong; except falling in love with a guy that does not appreciate you enough; let him be; take slow steps but start planning your future. You must start going out and sooner then you think you will meet other interesting guys.
Set him free, but also set your heart free.
You are welcome to contact me anytime if you need to chat or if I can be of assistance.
Best wishes and keep us posted.
Always, no matter how difficult; keep SMILING.
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A
female
reader, KerryA +, writes (31 October 2008):
KerryA is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso they did not have any children. He said he could not financially afford a divorce yet. She said if you dont come home you will never hear from me again.
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A
female
reader, KerryA +, writes (31 October 2008):
KerryA is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi and thanks for listening
He was living with me. We were compatible in so many ways and always laughed. Our sex life was amazing. He felt very guilty though and went back to her a couple of times but came back to me as he said it didnt work with her and they were not compatible.
She has money whereas min and i had financial difficulies and it got him down. When he felt down now and then...He said he may as well be miserable there with her but at least have more financial freedom whereas if he stayed with me he worried about our future security.
He popped round to see their dog now and then but these past few months he had no contact with her although she still got messages about how much she still loved him through to him through his mother who she is still friends with. His mother wanted him to go back.
He has not taken his stuff but he probably will while i am at work today.
Thanks so much ...i dont have anyone i can talk to
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): Dear Poster
I can understand that you must be devastated and feeling very alone. Is there anybody close to you that you could call that you can just have a chat to. If you did not have troubles in the relationship then I can very much understand that you must be in a state of shock.
I need more information, to try and help you. Do they have children? Why after 4 years was the divorced not finalized?
What did she threaten him with?
Was he living with you? Was he contributing financially towards the house payment etc?
Let me have as much info as possible.
Were you compatible?
Did you have a good sex life?
What problems were you having?
How was his ex behaving towards you over the 4 years?
Has moved out completely?
How often did he see the ex and how often did they have contact?
Once again, I am deeply sorry for this hurt that you are suffering. Just try to take it easy you will survive this. You will be okay. You are not alone. You have all the uncles and aunts here to help you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
We are here for you anytime.
Lots of hugs and smiles to you.
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