A
female
age
26-29,
justme..x
writes:I was brought up by my happily married parents. Although my Dad is more awkward, my mum has always been pretty candid about sex. There was no big "talk" when I turned thirteen. More simply, as a child I was always able to ask whatever I wanted. My mum has only ever been with my dad - both in terms of a sexual partner, and a relationship. She was single and inexperienced for a long time. Mum brought my sister and I up with something of an idealist mantra about sex: that it is special, that it should be with someone you love who is very patient with you, that it is worth waiting to be in love with a partner you trust, etc. Perhaps this is because this is all she has ever known. When I was growing up, casual sex, peer pressure, teenage sex etc etc - were not touched on at all. I had my first boyfriend between the ages of (nearly) 15 and 16. Although we were very soppy and reasonably long standing for our age (we were together for about a year and a half), and although we did other things like manual, we never had sex, mostly at my wishes. There were many reasons for this: I was quite unwell at the time mentally, we were never alone and I did not want to have sex whilst my parents were in the house, we both had single cabin beds (so there was a good chance the person on top would be hitting themselves on the ceiling). I also firmly believed what I had always been taught (why wouldn't I?) about not throwing away your virginity, that it can only ever happen once, that you don't want to regret it, etc. Regret was something I was very afraid of. Looking back though, the main reason is probably that at that age I did not have a particularly developed sex drive. It was only through having this boyfriend that I discovered what my clitoris could do, and although I became slightly addicted to that feeling, I had no desire for anything penetrative, I don't think I masturbated at that time, and when my boyfriend and I were apart I didn't lie awake feeling horny wishing he were there. I had another boyfriend when I was seventeen. He was very attractive, and quite arrogant, and I was absolutely head over heels and was amazed that someone so good-looking should be with me. He assumed that I had slept with my first boyfriend until I told him otherwise. He was not particularly kind and was quite pushy when it came to sex; several times I had to physically 'get him off' from on top of me or push him away from me (one time we were out for a walk in a wood and he was trying to finger me). He was also pretty cold and lazy when it came to being a boyfriend - not answering messages, never suggesting we did anything etc, not having a smile or a nice word to say about me. These tasteless, upsetting alarm bells were enough to make me not want to sleep with him. When we broke up I found out that he had not liked me very much at all, he had in fact liked my friend but settled for me as he realised how keen I was; and that he was only after a girlfriend for sex anyway. This was a rather unpleasant learning curve, and I grew up a lot from it, and took a while to get over it after I broke up with him. As you can see, there were good reasons each time, so I didn't 'regret' the lack of sex per say. But I was aware that I had now had two proper boyfriends, and was still a virgin. Was there something wrong with me?The third and final boyfriend came in my first year of university. He was an extremely nice guy, very kind and gentle, but we had absolutely nothing in common at all. It wasn't a very serious relationship, we were only together for a few months and a large part of it was friendship. I did sleep with him, because I trusted him, and felt older and more independent since leaving home, I felt I had new privacy within my student room, and now I was older (19) I had a more developed sex drive, and so I actually wanted to for myself. However, the sex - if I can even call it that - was as unsuccessful as you could possibly imagine.Either through inexperience, nerves or a medical problem, he couldn't last more than a few seconds, and had difficulty maintaining a second erection. Neither of us knew what we were doing, and I would often tense up, making penetration itself difficult and very painful. A couple of times I'm sure he entered me fully and we moved a little - so I suppose technically the deed is done - but he would either come immediately, or slip out and then I would tense up and he wouldn't be able to re-enter. It was incredibly frustrating and slightly humiliating. We broke up for other reasons (incompatibility and being busy with uni) and I came out technically no longer a virgin (?), but as inexperienced and unfulfilled as somebody who has never had any kind of sex at all. I was sure my exes had gone on to have sex properly. My friends who had never been in proper relationships had still had more sex than me. I had never watched porn, but knew the content and the pressure of it. I worried about whether or not I should have pubic hair. I worried about the way you are supposed to move and the things you are supposed to say.One year (and a bit) on, I haven't met anyone else, and have never entered any kind of casual one night stand sex, as I don't believe that's really for me. I'm now 20 and perhaps because of past failures, I'm incredibly sexually frustrated, and, to be honest, quite lonely. I've reached an age when pretty much everyone I know is no longer a virgin - but I'm the one who's had three boyfriends. It is an unusual situation to be in. A lot of my friends treated first time sex as something to 'hurry up and get over with' - which was precisely the attitude I was brought up to avoid. I'm not trying to attack my mum - but what I would say is, we should be seriously honest with young people and not idealise sex. The view I was taught is old-fashioned, yes, and I wonder if it is actually completely untranslatable into a generation with so much access to things like Tinder and porn. Those non-experiences with my third boyfriend were NOT worth five years' of waiting. I had no idea that sex might be unfulfilling or unsuccessful - or just plain bad - and feel like this realism might have helped me, so I wouldn't have felt quite so disappointed after holding out for so long. I'm now in a strange position of singleness where I am keen for sex in terms of desire, but am anxious about it in terms of reality - what if it still doesn't work? I've read things about rare medical cases of vaginas closing themselves off to penises. I don't know whether to identify myself to a future partner as a virgin or not, I don't know whether sex will still hurt the first time, and inevitably (because of that age I am and the world we live in) my partner will be more experienced than me, and will assume that I'm sexually experienced also. All these worries are, yes, a direct result of the particular experiences that I've had, but they're also a result of the way I was brought up regarding sex. I wish I had had a more realistic, non-rose-tinted sex education as a child. Teaching your child idealised moral lessons is important, yes, we want them to respect themselves - but doing so forces them onto a very steep, quite difficult learning curve.
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broke up, clitoris, erection, horny, my ex, no desire, one night stand, porn, pubic hair, sex drive, sexually frustrated, still a virgin, university, vagina Reply to this Article
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (21 June 2015):
 You actually received a talk. I never even received a talk. Somehow had to find my way through it all. I would never have dared to buy a book on the subject. The Library was my saviour.You clearly have suffered some blocks to helping you learn that sex is lovely and not to be feared.It is more common than you realise for girls to still be a virgin in your age groupIt might help if you could get some counselling to help you first learn to accept, appreciate and love you morePlease accept that your third lover was not the norm. One can never tell, from the outside, which man will be the best lover. Though strong level of confidence can sometimes mean he is good.But he cannot do it alone.Get a copy of the book "The Joy of Sex" as it is excellent.concentrate on learning what turns you on first.Experiment with what feels good for you. Then you will be in a better position to advise what you want.If you can have at least one counselling session then tell them about your trust needs and explore with the therapist what will make you comfortable enough to allow some gentle moving towards finding a mutually satisfying partner.. As a result of my non-existent sex education I resolved to ensure that sex was never an off limits subject and to allow discussion on sex issues to be the normal thing that sex is. Sex is fun and happy and I have explained that it is adult games that adults enjoy but that I would be disappointed if they were ever disrespectful to women in their pursuit of sex. They are respectful and I don't expect to be disappointed by them. Their Dad is very open about sex to them. He also reiterates the message that he expects them to be respectful to all women.But I still would have remained fairly naïve but for a stroke of luck. My efforts to lose my virginity at 18 were thwarted by someone far too gentlemanly for my needs. But then I met someone really special. He warmed to the idea of teaching me when he realised how little I knew.It was wonderful. Each week was like a new tutorial. He took things very slowly. My instruction took ages :) Week by week. I was often given very detailed instructions and I was a good student. He was very pleased with his efforts as he once said that I was a surprise in that I looked all ladylike on the outside and the inside ..... :) I was a good student, that's enough for you to get the picture.But my healthy attitude was never the result of anything I endured from by my mother.I was about 11 when I asked my mother what a climax was (don't recall where I saw the word - but when I did it did not make sense to me in the context of what was probably written in a newspaper).I was screamed at, given some punishment and sent to my room. Then later told to not dare to mention that word ever again. I assumed it must be a swear word.My parents fought over everything. And although as 7 year old I had no idea what sex was I could often hear them arguing as my bedroom was next to theirs. Sometimes they said words I did not know. It was left to my friends to tell me some things when I was around approaching puberty.Plus I visited the library and looked at books.Not ideal.At 15 I sat next to a boy who's hands kept landing on me. I very innocently thought he was just clumsy.Even parties were confusing for me. Those horrible kissing games where they pushed us out into the hall and chanted 'kiss, kiss, kiss' very loudly on the other side of the door.proceed cautiously and do recognise that you are capable of finding that special someone to love and help guide you through loving another person.
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