A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:All my life I have had relationships with men who turned out to not be physically attracted to me. Four relationships in fact. Each was attracted to me for other reasons but the physical just wasn't one and it always ended up being an issue. This was especially true in my marriage where my husband dissatisfaction with my appearance lead him to become very critical and spend excessive time looking at other women he found attractive.All my life I have longed for a relationship where I am valued as a whole person body and mind. To even have a partner who actually thought I was beautiful to him. I feel so embarrassed to even write that like its a childish dream. Is this unreasonable? Am I silly to want this? I DO look after myself and don't feel I look bad. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 March 2017):
 Truthfully I think you pick men who are wrong for you. Your husband went out off his way to make you feel bad about yourself. It sounds like he was abusive and controlling and well that has nothing to do with how you look, he would find faults in a model no doubt. Maybe you need to look at the type of men you are getting with and change that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2017): How do you know that all four men were not attracted to you physically? Did each one tell you this? Is it perhaps that you projected some of your own insecurities onto the views of others? Assuming that they couldn't be attracted to you? Maybe one or two of them made a comment, and now you think it is all four?Or maybe what you say is true, and you just got really unlucky. You are not asking for too much. I can guarantee you that no matter what you look like- facial features, body type- there will be men out there who are very into YOUR physical type. Fat, stick-skinny, big booty, little booty, broad-shouldered, hip rolls...you name it and a man out there will love it. Beauty is subjective, and everyone has different tastes, and these tastes also change as we are influenced by others (such as new people we realize we are attracted to). My advice is to be upfront with the men you date, and ask them fairly soon into the relationship if they are attracted to you physically, and feel chemistry. Just be careful when you ask this, because they might be scared that you are asking because YOU don't feel the chemistry, so just make it VERY clear that you DO feel attracted to them, you just want to know if it is mutual? Then read the signals. If a man is critical of your appearance that is unacceptable in my books. And I certainly have major flaws, but my man never mentions them except in good ways. Coming back to my first question, I wonder if perhaps you were attracted to a certain type of aloof/ distant men. The type who don't tell you you are beautiful and who are thus mysterious and hard to pin down. I wonder if you were drawn to this type, and therefore repeated over and over the negative experience of men not being physically attracted. Just like some women are attracted to cheating types over and over and keep drawing them back in.I have been in both kinds of relationships (where the person was attracted to ONLY my mind, and not me physically) and also where they passionately appreciated both. I would say that a connection of the mind is great, but for me I needed the validation of having both. And it seems like you need that too. So go find it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2017): I think it's very important for a man to be attracted to you physically. I mean, long term relationships often fizzle due to familiarity when there was an attraction to begin with. Imagine if there wasn't.You need physical attraction. It is a key component in a relationship otherwise you are just friends or brother and sister. That is not a love relationship. You want passion, don't you? I feel that in this one life, we need to find somebody who brings us fireworks. Never settle for somebody who does not love everything about you, including your body and looks. It is part of your package.I believe that if a man is not attracted to you physically even though he likes other things about you, he is more likely to stray or cheat on you down the road. And he will probably not stick around and appreciate you in a long term relationship. Men NEED to be physically attracted to a woman to stay in a long term relationship with her.So, choose wisely.I think you will know when a guy comes along who makes you weak at the knees. And you will know he feels it too. There is this certain electricity between you that draws you together like a magnet. You cannot control something like that. It is called chemistry. Worth having. Worth waiting for.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2017): I'd say beauty evolves in the eye of the beholder, usually for the better. I am absolutely sure, that you are beautiful. I love to discover new Details on my Partner, even after a long time and fall in love with them over and over again. So I assume, that your relationships ended because of other Things, not because of your looks.
Maybe you are better off, than being with someone who ends a relationship because of your looks.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (23 February 2017):
Also, take a little time before sleeping with them. That'll weed out the guys who are hoping for quick sex and aren't necessarily attracted to you because they aren't thinking long term so it's not important to them.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 February 2017):
 OP you wrote:
"This was especially true in my marriage where my husband dissatisfaction with my appearance lead him to become very critical and spend excessive time looking at other women he found attractive."
I think you got this backward. IT IS NOT your looks or his "dissatisfaction" with them that made him ogle other women. It was his way of "punishing you", manipulating you, belittling and make you FEEL bad about yourself so HE had the upper hand.
I have known women who gained 100+ lbs and their husband DID not become critical, mean or RUDE about it. I myself gained 60 lbs (and lost them again) and my husband was NOTHING but supportive both when I was overweight, during the weight loss, and after. He didn't run around and ogle other slimmer women. OR make me feel bad about myself.
Your ex-husband was an ASS - a CRASS ASS.
As for wanting a partner who finds you attractive inside and out - I don't think that is being unreasonable. Though I'd RATHER be valued for my mind than my body - a combination of both would be real nice. And not too much to ask.
I have to ask when you met men and dated them, how did you not know hat they weren't really attracted to you (in the physical sense)? Did you ignore that fact because they STILL seemed to like you? Or did you hope they would like you as they got to know you?
My advice? DON'T settle for less than what you want. If a guy doesn't seem to be attracted PHYSICALLY as well as mentally and emotionally - SKIP him and try again. EVEN if he seems like a great guy. He CAN be a great guy but not a good match, FOR YOU.
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