A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years and we have had a rocky relationship to say the least. Our main issues revolved around the fact he always put his friends first and I was expected to fit in around that. It was always the same cycle - I'd get upset, he'd say he'd make more effort, things would be great for a few weeks then things would go back to how they were before. I let him get away with far too much of that sort of thing because I loved him and made excuses for him because he is 3 years younger than me.So fast forward to the start of this year, and things have been much better. I still only see him around twice a week because of his shift patterns but he calls more and generally makes more of an effort to prioritise me when he's not working.Things have been so much better in fact, that he asked me to move in with him last night. The problem is, him asking me has totally freaked me out. He is now behaving how I've always wanted him to, but I just don't think I want to live with him.He says it will be good for us as it will allow us to see much more of each other before and after work, and if we do move in we can see how we get on and whether we can make a real go of things.But I don't know, I thought you should already know that before you move in with someone? I feel like we'd be going from a semi-casual (although long term) relationship to a very serious one.Has anyone been through this before? I feel really bad because he's hurt by my reaction and doesn't understand why I've been asking him for more commitment for so long and now I'm not sure.What do you think? Do people only know if they can last once they live together? I feel I should be excited that my boyfriend has asked me to move in but I'm not. Thanks in advance. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (17 August 2013):
 Sometimes when you date for 5 years, that may seem like a long time when you keep waiting for an improvement. This is why it's said that sometimes when too much time goes by, the relationship won't concretise.Living together won't magically fix your relationship troubles, for one. You know this and maybe this is what makes you reluctant to give it a try - you're concerned about the long-term stability and the same old issues popping up; It's a good sign to be concerned, to question the next move. It shows you are not getting overexcited (of course) about an invitation that you may have long wished to hear, but the fact that you did, doesn't cancel all the other implications. It's possible you have become too used to the semi-casual side of the relationship, too. In some cases a progress is either not very credible or no longer expected. Basically his proposal caught you unprepared. It's a question also of what you'd expect out of moving in, and how he envisions this, too. Many couples move in to test their relationships but set a date limit for marriage at the same time. You are on the verge of 29, when many people do take that step. So it's always an important question - do you move in to get to know each other better and deeper and to better assess compatibility or just to "hey, let's try something new" - no thought out reasons, no goals, just because it feels right or it's what a lot of other couples do.You say his efforts have shown lately and maybe he is on a good path. However, it takes two, and if you feel it's too late for this, you are in your right to say no, without feeling guilty about it - but also without making him feel guilty either. Some people just mature slower then others. There's probably going to be hard work involved if you give it a try, it's more a question of whether you think he is worth the investment and then setting up the terms.
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