A
female
age
36-40,
*a89251
writes:ive been in a relationship for 5 years now and im 25. he is perfect for me really hes good looking, good personality except when he drinks he can be really horrible to me swearing at me and sexually demanding things but hes always really sorry the next day.The thing is i feel like there's something not quite right. i know he loves me so much and i think i love him. I just don't feel sexually attracted to him anymore and the thought of trying to spice things up feels a bit weird because i kind of feel like i dont really want sex with him.i sometimes feel we are like friends.He's noticed im distant towards him lately and he thinks i dont want to be with him. I really can't decide what to do, i really cant cope at the thought of us splitting up and never seeing him again. i keep thinking about other boys and even about famous men on tv! i wouldnt cheat though.so im i just attached to him and thats why i cant imagine being without him or is it love? i find it hard deciding because its my first relationship.why dont i fancy him i dont understand, used to in the beginning i think after 3 years i started feeling like thisthanks in advance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 March 2012):
 You’ve been in this relationship during very formative years of your young adult life. 20-25 is a good chunk of time.
You start out saying He is PERFECT for me then you say that he is good looking and has a good personality EXCEPT when he drinks. How often does he drink?
Then you say “something is not quite right” I THINK I love him…. IF YOU THINK YOU LOVE HIM… you probably don’t love him for the right reasons or in the right way….
He thinks you don’t want to be with him because you DON’T. YOU don’t want to be sexual with him and for most adults, even if you are NOT having sex the desire to do so is critical. I know that I WANT to have sex with my guy but we just don’t’ always get to it…but we WANT it so we feel the sexual tension that makes life interesting for us… If you don’t’ have that tension then you are merely friends…
You are thinking of other men, you can’t decide what to do… Well you could talk to him about this and let him take the reins… he might decide to leave you and then you don’t have to feel like the bad guy.
You are attached to him because it’s EASIER to stay with a known entity rather than go out on your own and risk not finding something “better”
Why you don’t fancy him is because YOU DON’T . It’s a chemistry thing… let’s talk about the fact that he’s cruel and abusive when he drinks… don’t you think that has something to do with it? I know that when my partner is short tempered with me it’s much harder for me to love him and desire him…
My advice: you will leave him eventually… better to do it now while you are calm and rationale rather than do it later in a whirlwind of emotions and anger…
“look it’s just been 5 years, we’ve both grown and changed and want different things now… I think it’s best if we start seeing other people”
Not saying you have to stop seeing him all together… but start weaning off… BUT you must be HONEST and let him know… and do NOT get sexual with any new fellow until you are totally done with the old guy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): Simple really OP, he's made sex be wholly linked to him being a drunken asshole who demands it. He's made sex a dirty and wholly unappealing thing for you. Even he's sober the idea of sex with him is too much of a reminder of that.
I bet if you think of the time he started acting like this when drunk and the time you started to feel less attracted to him sexually then two will be linked.
The only thing that will change this is him to stop drinking permanently and for you to have time to be able to get over the fact he's made sex an abusive act.
Personally I don't think he will stop drinking because he knows he only has to say sorry and you're okay with it.
I had a similar experience with one of my exes. Sex with her was awesome for a while but after that everytime we had sex it seemed she didn't want to and was only doing it because she had to. Sex no longer felt that great and even though she was beautiful I just lost my lust for her. She was a lovely girl and great partner but sexually she just had no passion nor desire. After a while even when she did want to have sex and initiated it my lust was gone and I no longer viewed her a positive sexual creature. Sex with her then was consistently linked to being a chore and I could no longer bring myself to enjoy it.
I guess something similar is happening to you. Sex in your relationship is now linked to drunken abusiveness and demands, how can you really expect yourself to be attracted to the very embodiment of that feeling?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): Drunks are always sorry the next day,or till the next time they do the same thing again.listen to your gut,how can he be perfect for you??no one who swears at you is horrible to you demands sexual things from you is PERFECT for you.the only thing that's perfectly normal is the feelings you have about this.
I would seriously be considering leaving him if i where you.
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