A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife is having some bad trust issues right now. First some back story, I have my best friend who We'll call A. I've known A for a very very long time. almost 30 years now. A has recently left her husband and moved back to town. She needs a friend right now, and has come to me to be that friend. She was there for me during hard breakups and I feel that I have the duty as close friend to be there for her during this very hard break-up. My wife however doesn't trust her, and is afraid she's going to try to break me and my wife up, as she thinks A is secretly in love with me. I can understand the lack of trust on her part she has only known her for maybe a grand total of 3-4 months before she moved away. But it's getting to the point that she doesn't trust me when I talk to her (she denies it when I ask her why she doesn't trust me to talk to her and that she doesn't trust her). She's thinking that she's going to say something to break us up. I keep re-assuring my wife that I love her, and that it would be very very hard for her to break us up and no words would do that. I don't think of her that way and least of all I don't want to lose a nearly 30 year friendship for a quick "rebound" affair. And my question to her is, why after knowing her for almost 30 years would we hook up now, when one of us is attached and in love? why not back in high school when we were both single? or after high school when we would talk? Or when her first marriage was failing? All before I met my wife. Why is now a different situation and we would do that?My question though is what can I do to get her to believe that I won't leave her for my friend.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): I sympathise with your wife.
I think that the emotional bond between you and your friend and the fact she needs someone's shoulder right now are warning signs to your wife and quite rightly so.
Although you have no intention of doing anything, we have no control over who we fall in love with and I think that your friend could well see you as someone to fill the void in her life right now.
Just because this hasn't happened before doesn't mean it definately won't now.
I think you should be very careful of falling for your friend while she is clearly in need of your affection.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): Oh dear why indeed - perhaps it is your wife's gut instinct. Men and their best female friends huh. You know I can understand your wife perfectly well. She feels threatened because this other woman friend of yours is sharing her husband - emotionally. When you give your thoughts, feelings, opinions or just spend time talking to this friend of yours then it is time you are not devoting to your wife. Of course you see it as duty but it is different as she is needy, vulnerable, emotionally desperate - and now single. Her own judgement will not be sound, her boundaries fuzzy, and so your wife thinks you might, through your own kindness, fall into some trap. That your better nature will be takem advantage of. This is of course about trust but can you not see that ultimately your loyalty is with your wife - full time. If you are making your wife unhappy then why don't you solve that. Your female friend has other female friends surely? Other male friends? It is not just for you to be her knight in shining armour! Instead of all the one-to-one phone calls which your wife is not involved in why don't you invite this friend over for lunch, with your wife and demonstrate the kind of open support as a COUPLE you can offer your friend. If you demonstrate to your wife that your friend is simply that, a friend, and that your friend sees you are a strong couple then there is no threat from either side. It is your responsibility to do the right thing by your wife, not for your wife to just put up with a situation that is making her unhappy.
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