A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and myself have been having complications (on and off) for the duration of the 1 and half year relationship. I have sat my boyfriend down a few times to talk about how he isn't present when we talk. He will be playing video games or in the middle of something, while I am sitting down dedicating my time, as we agreed previously, at the dedicated time we agreed on. There have been a few times where he has had to back out of plans last minute because his friends want to see him or work has called him in (understandable). I have also told him when I express my problems or concerns he can make it worse by telling me his own analysis of the problem or giving me more things to worry about, which make me more upset. He says he lacks social skills and rarely socialises, he is an inconsistent person with who he is, emotional and moody. I just feel like he lacks basic empathy.Last night I asked for a break for 1 week as I was feeling very depressed, sad and hurt by his actions. He said he still loves me and cares for me and he would miss me between then. I asked him why he wasn't affectionate with me anymore and if I done something wrong. He said he had been busy with work, moving apartments and family matters. I further asked whether he was seeing someone else or he wasn't interested in me anymore. He assured me he wasn't and realises our relationship can't be one-sided, realises he cannot make me feel slightly better in worrisome situations and he says he gets "lost in his own mind" or distracted, so he isnt fully present in the conversations, and blames it on being an "Aquarius" star sign.I just dont understand, he realises his own faults and he knows it does hurt me. So why wont he either do something about it, or suggest to move on? I haven't forced him to change but he says he wants to for me but hasn't really made much progress. I just felt like I needed a 1 week break away from him to decide for myself what I should do. I have given him 2 chances to change throughout this relationship as he has said he would for himself and me. Im at my last straw, I feel so hurt and sad that he isn't affectionate with me anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2022): What's stopping you from breaking up with him? You want him to change and he isn't. Now you want HIM to break up with you. Why can't you do that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2022): I meant to say:
"It isn't always 50/50, it can go 60/40; but it goes right-back to 50/50."
"Stop and think, and decide if your relationship has run [its] course."
This, and all of what Honeypie says!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2022): I'd say the ball is in your court. Who's the one getting no love and affection? You can't talk a guy into loving you. If he was once affectionate and now he isn't, perhaps that is an indication that you're more into him, than he is into you.
You are giving, and not receiving. You let him get by on saying he loves you; but you don't hold him to his word. A parrot can repeat what you want it to say..."I love you, I love you!" It doesn't mean anything, unless you can feel the love; and it is demonstrated in his actions. If you mean hugging and kissing; well, that tapers-off over time, but it shouldn't die altogether. We reach a mature period in a relationship, where things may not run so hot; but you're very young, so that shouldn't fizzle-out in a year...unless...what I said above.
Guys sometimes get used to a relationship, they'll get used to your emotional reactions; and they just ride them out. The relationship becomes a habit, and they just go with the flow. They don't contribute or invest much; they'll leave that all up to you. They're just happy they can get sex on-demand. It's not realistic to expect the relationship to be as lovey-dovey as you might have been when you guys first met; but the heat of attraction should still be there. He says he doesn't have social skills? Where did they come from when you first met? Better yet, where did they go?
When you find yourself giving more than you're getting. Stop and think, sweetheart! Like I said, you grow-up from the puppy-love stage, and it's not as lovey-dovey as before; but it should still have passion. He should still be affectionate, and you should feel he cares; because it's demonstrated through his actions. Actions speak much louder than words; and the proof is in what you're getting in return.
Some guys avoid breaking-up only because they don't want all the drama. He doesn't want to deal with the tears, crying, screaming, snot, and all that. He will leave it up to you, or wait until the biggest blow-out of all-time; and then he can blame it on you.
If you live together, and share a lease; it's kind of hard to get your share of the deposit back when she's livid with you for breaking-up with her. When some ladies will go psycho, and key his car, throw his belongings out the window onto the street, badmouth him to all his or her friends; and stalk him allover social media. If you've had a bad-experience in the past with a breakup; you're extremely cautious about being the one who initiates it. When he says he ~loves~ you; your brain locks, and you become emotionally paralyzed. You can't make a decision one-way or another; because you fear losing "love." Well, love isn't there if you can't feel it. Love isn't there, if you've got to beg for it. Love isn't there, when all you hear is the word; but don't feel its effects. He likes you very much, but it doesn't fill-up in him enough to flow outward. He's in-like, while you feel in-love. That's not equivalent.
It's up to you to decide if words are enough, or you want someone who can freely give love without having to be "talked" into it. Like I said, maybe you're more into him, than he is into you; but that's not enough to maintain a relationship. That's an infatuation, and it's lopsided. You are young, and you have a lot of love to give. You deserve more than being told he's too socially awkward; when that wasn't the case from the beginning. Your expectations should be realistic.
You can't beat the love out of a person, you can't talk the feelings into a person; and you also have to be realistic, and mature, as to what it is you really consider to be love.
You want affection, you need respect, you want him to be kind to you, you don't want sex just to get-off, you want it to have meaning; and you want him to express it through his actions.
Just acting-out a poem on a Hallmark card is not love. It's not scripted and contrived like what you see on TV or music videos. It runs deep, and you both feel it at the same-time. It isn't always 50/50, it can go 60/40; but it goes right-back to back to 50/50.
You have to grow-up. When you see a guy is just an empty-bucket with a hole in it; while you're pouring your love into it at full-flow. Stop and think, and decide if your relationship has run it's course. Taking it beyond the expiration-date might sometimes be due to fears on both sides.
Maybe IT IS up to YOU to decide when it has to end. He's not the one complaining. Your love is at full-flow, while his is at a trickle. Maybe it is time to make a grown-up decision.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 February 2022):
 OP
You ask:
"So why wont he either do something about it, or suggest to move on? "
Obviously, it's hard to change. YOU can't change him by telling him what you expect should be done. That isn't realistic. And perhaps HE isn't wanting to change. He is fine with you occasionally getting upset.
WHY don't YOU make the choice to end it? You don't need HIS permission to break up.
This relationship is NOT working for you. Why do you keep flogging the dead horse?
You and he are NOT compatible. He doesn't fulfill your needs, he doesn't really seem to care about your needs. And you are not a priority in his life. Work (understandably) is, his friends are, and his videogames.
He isn't a puppy you can train to be just as obedient as YOU want him to be.
HE knows what you expect and wants from him and he no longer wants to make the effort.
Wish him well, walk away, block all communication. Take some time to be single and then look for a new partner who is a better fit. He isn't the guy you want. And you can't "force" him to become the guy you "think" he can be or you "want" him to be. It's like forcing a square peg into a round hole.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2022): If you have agreed to sit and talk at a certain time on a certain day, then you don't get called away to see friends.
You tell the friends you have made plans and are not available then.
Obviously if you do sit down to talk he is entitled to say his take on things. Why do you find fault with that? You don't sound like a girlfriend or a partner, you sound like a mother who is reprimanding her little boy for not tidying up his room.
You don't say please let's have a break for a week. You say we are having a break for a week. You decide. You don't need his permission. It won't make any difference, it will all be the same when the week is up - so what is the point of a break for a week???!
As for why does he not change or break up. It's obvious. Because he is better off with you than without you - presumably because although you moan and nag you give him sex and/money or whatever, he puts up with you moaning and nagging. As far as he is concerned you are the one who needs to change and stop nagging. He is a child if he wants to play video games all of the time. Children run off when confronted with anything boring or serious. So what do you expect? Perhaps you could explain to me why you want a relationship with a silly child?
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