A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey people I need help and advice, so I noticed changes in my relationship to my partner of 18 years she was not coming home from work on time she finishes at 12am but not coming home till 2am I had to find out why so i bugged her car i captured a few recordings but I caught one that I heard her and another bloke talking about he doesn't want things to change with her and that he said they have something she didnt shut him down or tell him shes in a longterm relationship at the end of the recording he told her he loves her and she said u too, I have confronted her about this I've let her listen to it she tells me it's nothing there just friends I've messaged him and asked him what is going on he just tells me the same thing just friends, but staying out with him till 2am and she never told me about her new friend she just lied about what she was doing after 12am, but since me confronting her she admitted spending time with him, we have argued and she swore down she hasnt slept with him problem is she swore on our kids lives and dads grave before and it turned out she was lieing about that so I kinda dont believe her about this situation, its hurting me real bad I cant stop crying its knocked me she is seeing this happening to me and she wants me and not him she loves me not himand swears nothing happened, what do I do I cant lose this woman we both are still deeply in love with each other but I cant get the situation out of my head, she has said she will quit her job but I told her I dont want her to do that, i want her to either ignore him and just serve him his drinks or just tell him to back off, since confronting her theres not been any late nights she comes home on timei just keep thinking theres more to it.this only started in November last year after I came out off hospital from the ICU with covid I nearly died I came out after 2 weeks in and she didnt work during my time in there and she also took time off to look after me recover for a week then after that it all started the late nights but at the time I didn't take notice.What do I do and how do I stop feeling like this? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2022): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey people thanks for all your replys, here's an update, so we talked and shes saying nothing has happened with this other guy they just stayed over to have games off pool together and while playing they only spoke about his relationship and kids and our relationship and our kids, she has admitted that he did tell her he loved her and that she said "you too" but said it was the slip off the tough she didnt mean to say it she says, I'd like some advice for her as she doesn't know what she has to do to prove she hasnt slept with him, also like to say ever since I confronted her about it shes finishing work on time and messaging me a finishing time, It does make me feel abit better her doing that, she has told me she hasnt spoke to him since and says he has backed off but she has told him there's nothing ever going to happen between them as she loves and wants me, it still hurts abit, everyday since I do talk and still ask if she did anything with him she always says no, and it's getting to a point where shes getting upset me asking alot off questions most days do I need to stop with the questions and just accept what she is saying? I just keep getting a sick feeling in my stomach that shes not telling me everything.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2022): The first thing you need to understand is that monogamy is not for everyone. For centuries people have thought that every relationship has to be between one man and one woman and it hasn't been until the past few decades that people came to realize that it isn't so. Lots of couples live perfectly happy married lives while still being sexually active outside of the marriage. As long as everyone involved agrees, it tends to work. The problem comes in when one partner is not happy with the arrangement. This is not what you agreed to and you need to explain that to her. You can find a happy medium as soon as you both realize that your going to have to give a little to gain a lot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2022): Ask her how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and it was you who did not come home from work but instead spent time with another woman for a couple of hours.
If this carry’s on and she doesn’t respect your feelings then it’s time for you to leave this relationship, children or no children, because no loving partner would behave like this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2022): You asked “how do I stop feeling like this?” If you are feeling distressed by overwhelming emotions, it is necessary to prioritize developing healthy coping strategies before you try communicating with your partner. Otherwise, it is likely that your conversations will be you asking her to solve your feelings rather than solving your *shared* problems with communication, expectations, boundaries, and trust.
What would happen if you set aside the future and your relationship to focus on improving just this moment? What would happen if instead of focusing on how this situation feels unfair or that things shouldn’t be this way, you suspended judgment? By focusing on “noticing” negative details, you might protect yourself from being surprised by something hurtful in your relationship, but at what cost? If you orient yourself towards negative details it becomes difficult to notice the positive details that can help you forge a path forward.
Developing some basic distress tolerance skills can help you cultivate the resilience you will need to move toward what you want in this relationship. Sitting down and making a list of ways you can distract yourself or relax can make you less vulnerable to coping strategies come with consequences. It is unlikely you will be sufficiently equipped to solve the problem of your relationship unless you address how you cope with overwhelming emotions first.
"I had to find out why so I bugged her car." It sounds like you noticed changes in your relationship that made you feel insecure and you either did not feel comfortable talking to your partner or did not trust her to be honest with you. Or maybe both! Bugging someone is a serious boundary violation in any relationship. Even if you had discovered without a shadow of a doubt your partner was cheating, this would be a boundary violation. This is serious enough that it might benefit you to see a couples therapist (not to presume this is accessible to you).
In the meantime, if you want your conversations with your partner to move towards a shared future, it may be worth it to Google “Intentional Peer Support” and experiment with a new communication style together. For example, you say you “confronted” your partner. If you want to feel right, confront someone. But if you want to feel connected, accusing someone isn’t the way. Instead of saying “You did x. You made me feel y. Why won’t you z?” try saying “I see/I feel/I need”. The only thing you can control in this moment is how you react to it, so own your feelings.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2022): Ask her how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and it was you who did not come home from work but instead spent time with another woman for a couple of hours.
If this carry’s on and she doesn’t respect your feelings then it’s time for you to leave this relationship, children or no children, because no loving partner would behave like this.
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