A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I in need of advice.I spend every day from the time i wake up around 7.30am when i know my husband gone to work, just sat in a chair i go on the computer just browsing when i am not doing this i cry i am crying now as i trying to write what i am feeling and i am so alone.I am not a nut case i am a woman who has been hurt and dont know what to do.I dont love or trust my husband anymore, he cheated on me though the years and i only found out a while ago,we have been having rows and when i need to know about the affairs he gets very angry and abusive and says he does nt want to remember he just wants to forget,he was never like this untill he got caughtwhat's made him this angry abusive person?We have tried relate but it did nt help much it was to expensive.Every time i try to express how i feel all he says is i know i,m sorry, but he cannot know the hurt and betrayal i feel. I have no where to go so i pretend things are ok between us this way i get to stay in the house as he wont leave as he says its me who dont want our marriage to work he knows what he wants now.Why do the cheating partner turn it around like its my fault we are in this mess.How can anyone say after 30 years they know what they have and want now.I know all marriages have there ups and downs but i cant see where i went wrong but i must have must'nt i?I know that i need some help to get over this but where do i go?Please advise me of what to do as i cant carry on living like this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): to all that have posted here, such sensitivity and honest replies. I am sure the original poster is feeling a little better and a bit more insight into her horrible situation.
Yes, please stay strong and remember there are so many people on this site that will support you and sympathise with what you are going through. If you do not have someone to talk to personally, there are hundreds here that will comfort you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): I feel your pain. As women this is such a common thread. No response can take away or soothe your pain, because when you are hurting it is just that. But, I recommend couseling as well. Because we need tools to deal with the things that happen in our lives. Crying is purging so cry as many times as you need too. I notice that when I focus on the other women it tends to make me angry, hurt. So I learned not to wonder or compare myself. I don't believe you mentioned what type of abuse is going on, physical or mental. Either way this is not good. Many marriages have bounced back from an affair. However, it starts with that person (that man) taking full responsibility for what he has done. He needs to realize that he has broken a trust with you. And, you don't get over it just because he says he is sorry. If he is not willing to make this right, you may really need to rethink your marriage, only you will know if it is worth fighting for..... But this is a marriage and its not worth fighting for just because you have kids, or the economy is bad. Focus on the two of you. Some time terrible hurtful things are done so we can get the inspiration to move on. I hope you have a friend or a family member you can talk too. If not, maybe a church or if you have insurance. He has to be more willing to work this out. If he needed to check in with you everyday on his whereabouts, he needs to be willing to do whatever it takes if he wants your marriage to work. Don't pretend in your own house it just gives him more reason to find someone to blame. Your married, tell him how you feel and where you would like things to go from this point. If you don't know that's ok, but each day you will be getting stronger even if you don't feel that way. Never stay out of fear, its never worth it in the long run. Bless you and best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Just a Guy from Oz  +, writes (20 March 2009):
Hi - I sense such sadness and fear from you. Dont cry anymore - act. You should not keep living like this. Ask yourself this young lady...why does he get abusive?. Clearly it is not you who has strayed. Remember, offence is the best defence. Men attack because they feel guilty. Vulnerable. He manipulates the circumstances to detract from the issue - that he has been the cheating ba$tard. Remember that.
Sad thing is, and many will disagree here - particular religious folk, people stay together because they feel they must. It's an obligation. My advice - don't marry lightly, but conversely dont let years of marrital pain weigh heavily. Try everything you can to resolve issues. But don't die wondering. Think of the kids - but understand they need Mum (and Dad) to be happy most of all. Work on your marital problems hard, but don't accept a problem marriage is too hard to leave. Ultimately, it's o.k. to say no to continued unhappiness. It is not healthy for an individual, or children, to be in an unhappy or fake environemt.
The truth is people outgrow jobs, houses, fashion, hair styles and even awful partners. Is anyone reading this who is 30, the same person they were at 19? No. And if you are 45.... how much wiser are you then when you were 26?
It's ok to say "enough". Stop blaming yourself. Free yourself of guilt. Start living - you deserve better. T:)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): Please go to counselling. After just 1 week, I couldn't believe the difference it made in my life/thinking.
He needs to go too, (at different times), then together later on. Our problems can consume us, and they won't go away unless dealt with properly. Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): A cheat and a liar can never justify what they do, they just don't like being found out. If he wants you he is going about it the wrong way.He needs to admit everything to you and let you make you own mind up.You have been wronged in the worst possible way and he has a lot of making up to do.Angry he has a cheek he should be on bended knee to you, if he wont see where he has gone wrong and let you alone about his behavior then he will destinguish your feelings for ever.You only have to tell him once buck up or ship out matey,he has already had his second chance when the affair came out,I relly think he should commit properly or he you will say enough is enough.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): Hi there, I feel so sorry for you, I am a man who has been cheated on by there wife, I have been married for over twenty years and the agony goes on and on for me.it has been 7 or so months since I found out an to this day my wife constantly goes on about her affaiar ending an how the man she had an affair with dumped her and how unfairly he treated her and how she can't live with the way he treated her.She says she loves me and wants to be with me but her pain constantly takes over her and my life.I orgave her and desperatly want it to stop stop stop, but now she won't let go because this man wonn't take anything to do with her, I am like you and don't know what to do, she is not abusive tho does get angry she says at him not me.But still it never dies a death in our life because she just won't let go. I came here to Dearcupid as a man because i had to tell someone what I was going through,I have never told anyone ever what she did and has done to me,I still love her but like you don't know how to get some peace in my life from the terrible thing that patners do to us.I am thinking of going to a marriage counceler so i can say how this is making me feel to this date,I just wish they could see what they did to us and what by the way they act after they do these things to us, and stop being selfish about there mistakes and if they relly want to make a go of marriage then they would stop there actions and put us first.I feel for you as I know exactly what your are going thru and wish you peace and happiness free from the torment our partners keep putting us thru.hope this helps even a little help you relise you are not the only one having to endure this and maybe like me you will go to councelling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): thankyou for your answers i will try to get myself out of this mess its not going to be easy as i am so down i not thinking straight,but i do agree that i need to get away from him he will never change.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): You have been betrayed and your feelings are justified! He turns the blame on you, and gets angry and abusive, because he has no defense! He's guilty and he knows it, he got caught, and his frustration causes his anger!
You don't deserve to live your life like this! You've shed enough tears over this jerk! It is time to focus on empowering yourself! Don't let him have control one more day. If he won't leave, you need to come up with a plan to get away from him. Even the most impossible situation can be resolved if you really want it. I know everyone is having financial problems and money is tight. But where there's a will there's a way! Concentrate on ways to improve your life. You can't fix him, but you can fix you. You have recently realized you have been living in a life of betrayal...you have good reason to feel so hurt. Turn that energy into positive determination to begin a new life without him. You can do it! I did! And it was the best thing I ever did. I wish you all the luck in the world! Be Strong and live for you!
Don't suffer alone in your pain...if ever you need to vent or are looking for support, feel free to private message me!
Change your attitude today! You don't have to be the victim forever!
My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Britt
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (20 March 2009):
oh & the reason why the cheater makes it out to be the other persons fault is because they're trying to desperately justify their actions. dont take it.
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A
female
reader, deirdre +, writes (20 March 2009):
you would be better to move out or better still to throw him out since you have done nothing wrong, its him who is at fault. you should sit him down & tell him how you feel & dont mince your words. then tell him you need space. your not over reacting it is a natural reaction to be upset especially after being married so long.
''I know that i need some help to get over this but where do i go?''
it sounds to me like your husband is the one who needs help the most since you say he cheated on you throughout the years. good luck xxx
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (20 March 2009):
 aw hunny!!
the reason why they turn it around on you when they have been unfaithful is because they want to make it feel like it is your fault they don't want to admitt that what they have done is wrong so they turn it around on you so it makes you look like the bad person and they get all the apologies and sympathy!!
if you don't love him and trust him then get out of ther!
you don't need some horrible man like that treating you badly!
making you feel like it's your fault when he's the one whose been unfatihful
don't cry if you ever need to chat let me know :)
pop me amessage or something.
i'm a great listener!
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