A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i need help understanding something. why does someone leave a good marriage, or relationship for someone yonger? and i dont mean just a few year either. im talking 20 years or more. and why would anyone want someone that much older? i have read all of the material out there on the internet and heard all the security, money, better in bed bull s**t. is it me or is the young people in todays society just lazy? i have in my head that the girls just dont want to work and want someone to take care of them like they are some queens, same as the boys. im tired of hearing daddy issues or mommy issues. yuck, would you sleep with your daddy or mommy? being left for someone 25 years younger than i am, has left me contemplating this issue. dont get me wrong im not against age gaps, my first husband was 8 years older.it just burns my butt, that i worked hard in my marriage, had a job took care of the home and the husband, for him to leave me to take care of a young girl, who does not have to work and can run the streets, and just sit at home being pretty while he throws money at her like it is water. its just like you hear you get with a guy who is just starting out, he has nothing you work with him and help him and struggle, than he starts making good money, and poof he is taking all of it and giving it away to a girl that has just learned to tie her shoe, and has not made her etch in the world and enjoys giving it to her. has no remorse for the wife he is leaving behind and does not think about what he and she went through to get where he is now. im struggling to make ends meet still working hard, because i supported his causes, stuck through his jobs until he found the one that pays him well. anyway just venting. would love to hear others opinions on this topic, and have someone shed some light on this broken hearted woman.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (30 April 2013):
Reality check. I know it sounds all warm and fuzzy for people to fall in love and stay that way forever, but thats not how life works.
Like it or not, life is about taking the best option available to you. Why does a man date a woman 20 years his junior? The short answer is because he CAN. Why does an handsome guy sleep with a lot of women? Because he can. Why do beautiful women often marry rich and powerful men? Because they can.
Just like a person leaves a job for more money, people leave relationships for who they perceive are better partners. Im not saying its moral or ethical, but just a part of human nature to optimize the choices that are available to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): thank you for your opinions. mssadie, im sorry that you resented my post, but if you look around in todays society young and old together is becoming a trend. and just because you come from money does not mean that the money is yours, it is your parents who worked hard to make it. you have to earn your own. and lets face it not all people have money, and they dont want to earn it either, they want someone to support them. im sure your attraction to older men is true, but even yourself admitted that they were going through a mid life crisis or lustfull. so if that cliche is true than how can a young girl going after a mans wallet not be the truth. ive always dated a guy older than me not much older as i said in the post 8 years was the oldest. but to know a man is married and still have an affair with him and break up his marriage, and yes it takes two so they both broke it up, is evil and shows no morals from the both of them. you say that it was not good for him to be in the marriage well perhaps you are right, why would any man want to live with a woman who did everything for him, worked, cooked, cleaned, loved him unconditionally, had sex with him all the time. he admitted that i was a great wife but he could not forget or be without his young girl. perhaps im just looking at it as though he was a nasty perverted old man who just wanted to have sex with a girl 25 years older than him. who by the way is going to be a daddy in 9 months. i just wanted to know why? not just for what happened to me just because it is happening so much these days. thanks for all the input would like to hear more from the guys point of view too...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 April 2013):
 Sadly, the marriage clearly was not good to him. And what goes around comes around OP. In a few years when she’s 25 she won’t’ want what she wants now. And as he gets more and more disenchanted with her childish ways of wanting it all handed to her on a platter and she starts refusing sex, and whining that “we never go out” , her youth will wear thin. And for her his age will wear thin. I’m 53 now and at 45 I was in much better physical shape than I am now. Amazing what a few years does to us. 45 and 20 can still do a lot together 55 and 30 will feel the difference more so.
I agree if he left you after a decent long term marriage (ten or more years) that you need a good lawyer to make sure you get anything you can. Especially if he left you…. You have grounds for abandonment… if he slept with her before the divorce was final you have him on adultery and she can be charged as a respondent for alienation of affection. That will play very well with their relationship. Karma is a bitch.
You must remember that his lousy choices are NOT a reflection on you, your worth or your choices.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (30 April 2013):
 Why does someone leave a good marriage? They don't. We as individuals assign our own personal prices to things in life. For instance, I would never dish out $500 for a smartphone because no phone is worth that much money to me. My best guy friend feels differently, though, and he's the type who'll happily wait in line for days to be the first person to buy an inordinately expensive xbox or the new iphone because it IS worth it to him.When your ex-hubby weighed your marriage in his mind, it's value came out lower than the "good" that you saw it as. The new chickadee was worth more to him. Neither of you are wrong; you just had tragically different views as to how much your marriage was worth.I resent the sweeping generalizations that you made about young women who date older men. I've dated a few, and I wasn't depending on them financially because I come from a family that 1) has its own money and 2) instilled the value of working hard to achieve one's own independent legacy. Truth is, some of us legitimately fall in love with people who happen to be significantly older than us (and I know it's not a trend for me because I've dated people closer to my age, as well). I can admit that usually the men are more lustful than loving or going through some kind of age crisis where they desperately want to be revitalized and feel youthful again. Nothing wrong with that. It is, however, why I ended many of my relationships - I wanted love-love, not lust-love.You're allowed to be bitter since a long-term relationship just ended for you and maybe ragging on young women makes you feel better about yourself, but eventually you're going to have to realize that that anger won't help you move forward at all. And moving forward is really the only way to get over these things.Best of luck to you!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 April 2013):
 For heaven's sake, get a really good lawyer if you haven't already. If you have been supporting him, financially or otherwise, during the marriage then your contributions need to be taken into account.
Don't get mad, stop dwelling on the who and why; get PLANNING. There's a lot of counterintuitive things you need to do when a split like this occurs and you need a shark to guide you through it. It might give you back some feeling of control in this surreal world you've just entered.
Who cares why he's gone off the deep end? Just make sure you are not being punished financially when you are entitled to a decent settlement.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (29 April 2013):
 I always think it's funny when these young women bag themselves an older guy:
Shes' 20 and he's 40 but one day she's gonna be 50 and he's going to be 70 with one foot in the grave...and when he's upped and died, who's gonna wat to be with her??
They may make lovely young ego boosting partners, but they are going to be lonely old women...so what goes around comes around.
I also agree with you, men never consider the wife they leave behind...it's called being selfish!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2013): "i need help understanding something. why does someone leave a good marriage, or relationship for someone yonger?"As a guy nearly sixty I can tell you most assuredly that no male who is capable of being a good husband leaves a long-term marriage for someone younger. Those who leave are deeply flawed narcissists seeking their own self-gratification, usually a middle-aged male's reaction when confronted with the reality that he will never attain his unfulfilled ambitions and/or faced with the inevitability of his lost youth, fading physical attractiveness and impending mortality. For most egotistical jerks the easiest pathway to self-delusion is taking up with a young playmate, and there is no shortage of gold-diggers (female and male) who will fawn and flatter and fluff a vain, aging fool in exchange for financial and other considerations.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2013): I'm really sorry to hear this has happened to you. And to be completely honest, people leave a marriage/relationship only due to the fact that they aren't completely happy - sometimes this can be realized without the need of an outside influence, although if the catalyst of leaving is realized from the fantasy someone else presents to them then it is purely because they are selfish and not very strong willed.
Unfortunately a lot of younguns these days feel it is their right to be "kept" by their older, richer lady/male friends. However this is partly due to the oldies throwing money at them for sexual favours. All a guy wants is for his ego to be stroked - he turns to his wife for this, but many times they fail at realizing this is the key to controlling their husbands. If you stroke a guys ego - even if he knows you are lying, some part of him will want to believe its true, and the fact that his other half has that faith in him, or views him that way will boost his confidence in order to motivate him to do anything (that's why a lazy guy can turn into the most hardworking guy around (that's also why they say behind every great man is a great women)). The more skilled a women is at this and the less she waivers in that conviction (i.e. stroking his ego all the time even when she doesn't need him to do something) will prove beneficial to her in the long run, because she will have him wrapped around her finger. But most women/girls today want to just demand things from their partners, they want to pick on and belittle their husbands and force them into submission (I'm not saying you are like that as from what you have written you did more than your fair share) - but marriage is a two way street of give and take, communication and selflessness. Sometimes though people get too comfortable and don't listen or see their partners subtle (or not so subtle hints) that things aren't bliss and instead of trying to fix the problems as a team, they just leave it upto the other person to deal with their issues - and if that person can't fix it, the union dissolves. Marriage is meant to be a commitment for life, people take it way to lax these days and as such will pay the price eventually.
When a guy is in love, he only has eyes for his wife/girlfriend etc. In this case - I guarantee it's not because she's pretty or that she is younger, it's that she strokes his ego (although indirectly she could be stroking his ego because she is pretty and young - he might think people will consider him a stud even though they are really thinking he is just an old pervert). She doesn't care, as he's lavishing her with affection and material goods (and come on what girl, young or old, doesn't like to be spoilt? and what young guy can give that level of experience and maturity to a girl properly), and she doesn't have to even do much besides batt her eyes and "stroke his ego". They see each other with clouded eyes both fulfilling something in each other, but it cannot last for long because reality always sets in eventually.
He obviously thinks he's a rock star, with his money, and his gold digger and thinks he's finally got his life on track - unfortunately for him that will all unravel soon and he'll have to start over again. And at what price does a person give up their decency?
You will be ok - your life will go on, and in time you realize that this happened for a reason, and while you might not be able to see it now, it will truly benefit you in the end. Mark my words :)
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (29 April 2013):
This is a very difficult and painful situation for you to handle.But your letter is very much together and your seeing things as they are and this s a good start.Some men need younger women to feel good about themselves and they feel great that they have what it takes to be able to LIFT a young woman.But they forget they are getting older and will find it difficult to keep up with a younger person.Please try and focus on getting your money sorted out and looking after your health right now that is what is important.Time will heal so try and be gentle with yourself.Kind Wishes Nora B.
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A
female
reader, NORA B +, writes (29 April 2013):
This is a very difficult and painful situation for you to handle.But your letter is very much together and your seeing things as they are and this s a good start.Some men need younger women to feel good about themselves and they feel great that they have what it takes to be able to LIFT a young woman.But they forget they are getting older and will find it difficult to keep up with a younger person.Please try and focus on getting your money sorted out and looking after your health right now that is what is important.Time will heal so try and be gentle with yourself.Kind Wishes Nora B.
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A
female
reader, shmily_girl01  +, writes (29 April 2013):
 I know how it is hard for you and to vent eases the pain but it does not go away until you will learn to accept and let go.Forget what he has with his new young woman, forget what he does for her. Do not dwell on your problems but look for a solution to make your life better. Stop giving your power and start making a decision that works for you. It is time to make a change, that is now.Get your life back on track and work on yourself again.Be strong and be confident you will get over this.It is your decision to make yourself happy, you owe it to yourself.Work out on yourself now to get out being a heartbroken woman. I am sure you do not like to be in this position.Get some strength and make a decision to start a new life.
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