A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am really in a state of panic and unrest over my current situation, and need serious advice. I have been with my girl for over a year, and we love each other very much. We had some problems early on when our relationship was not clearly defined (it started out mainly as a sex thing, and we fell in love later). early on, she cheated on me with her ex BF. She denies it, but I am quite sure something happened. Well, fast forward a year and we are planning a wedding. I have still harbored a bit of concern over this ex BF...not because of what may have happened, but because of the fact she covered it up and I found out by accident. I know this guy is a friend, and don't mind her chatting with him here and there via E-mail or Facebook. She has been honest about their communication, but not totally. Since this early BF incident, I have had my eyes open, and found out about a few other secret lovers...fortunately, they occurred before I came along or right about the same time. I hate to be so nosy, but I have had a minor trust issue with her ever since I found out about the ex. affair. I'm just mentioning that to point out she has been secretive about other parts of her past and our early days.Well, today she left for work and left her FB open. I saw her ex BF had posted something and it showed up on her wall. No biggie, cuz I knew she friended him. It had nothing to do with her. But what puzzled me was she hid his posts a few weeks ago. So this means she unhid him so she could check his statuses. So I click on his profile. There I see she posted a response to one of his statuses several weeks ago. It was nothing bad, in fact, it kinda referred to me (he knows about us). He didn't post a response to her. But then I go back to her homepage and go back to the date she responded to his status. There I find she deleted her post to him on her page. The only reason she would do this is so I don't see it (she often looks at her FB while I'm sitting with her). So now I'm puzzled why she would hide an innocent response to her ex.This kind of hiding and downplaying of her relationship with him has bothered me for some time, and it is honestly making me hesistant to enter into a lifelong commitment with her. I have a trust issue because of all this, and need help. I have talked to her several times about it (not this last incident), and she assures me nothing happened with any guys since we started hooking up. But I have a gut feeling I don't know for sure, and I don't like this hiding of stuff. But on the other hand, it was an innocent response, so I kinda feel I am being pathetic too. It's a red flag for me, even though I realize whe just doesn't want to worry me.How would you feel? Am I overreacting?
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affair, cheated on me, facebook, fell in love, her ex, her past, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): Thanks. I appreciate the answers. We have talked about marriage, even set a probably date and location. She's even telling her friends to save the date. But I haven't proposed yet, and am getting cold feet. But putting it off means waiting until 2012, and I'm not sure if she'll wait for me that long. I'd hate to lose her over indecision brought about by a notion that she may or may not still have a thing for her ex.
A
female
reader, Delilah12  +, writes (14 October 2010):
No, you are not overreacting. She is clearly hung up on her ex-boyfriend. A year isn't that long. I would suggest that you not move the relation farther along (and certainly do not get married until you are totally sure that she has put the ex-boyfriend out of her life and out of her heart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): My policy with my husband is the we use passwords that we both know for all of our or different accounts. Given the fact that there ought to be nothing secret between us, if we have nothing to hide... this works well. You may want to start this policy with your wife... and see how she reacts to the suggestion. As far as if there's anything goin on I couldnt say.
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