A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What could cause my girlfriend to make me feel really bad and guilty, almost like she hates me, when I ask her to make love but she doesn't want to? I've never even came close to forcing her. The only thing I will do is ask her why she doesn't want to. Other times, when she feels like it, we can make love and it's going to be amazingly good for both of us. What I find hard to understand is why she has to decide when we make love and why I can't. One time I refused to make love to her and she got mad at me. This is upsetting me as we do fight over this a lot and it's not going anywhere.For the passed week or so, I completely stopped asking or demanding sex from her. She came to me twice to make love and I accepted. The third time that she came to me, we were having fun and laughing and I didn't want to ruin the moment so I didn't accept her request immediately. After some time, I asked her if she wanted to make love now and she got upset again and we got into a fight.All this doesn't make much sense in my head and I'm really confused.If anyone has any ideas or advice, that would be great.Thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (20 August 2010):
 Geeze, I can tell you right now that the real issue isn't whether or not she "decides" to make love. The issue for you is power in the relationship, and I'll tell you right here and now: Let it go or you will lose her.
Women and men oftentimes have different sexual drives. She's not trying to "punish" you, but rather she's not wanting it as much as you do. It's not a power play for her - it's simply her responding to her urges at her own time, same as you.
Seriously dude, if you're complaining that she came to you three times in the past week for sex, you'll have a rude awakening 15 years into a marriage after kids and responsibilities tire both of you out. What will you do then, play a power struggle game because you're mad that she says yes or no to sex? Do you realize how many people would think you're lucky that you've got someone who loves to be with you 3 times a week and comes to YOU for sex?
It's one thing if you're only having sex once a month or less, but it doesn't sound that way. Sex is coming to a happy medium, not one person pressuring and then pouting and the other pulling away from the partner who wants it more.
Think of it more as an adventure in getting to know each other instead of a power game, and you'll let go of the "who says yes or no" thing and concentrate more on getting to know her and her body and soul better. Find out what makes her more or less amorous (sometimes a woman's time of the month can put a damper on sex!).
Finally, you asked why she makes you feel "bad and guilty". Here's the thing - when we start feeling like all our guys want us for is sex, when there's constant asking and then pressuring when we say we're not in the mood, we get pretty tense and start wondering if there's anything more to the relationship then just your need for sex. Then we start to feel used. The more you push, the more we pull away from you, which is exactly why when you stopped pushing, she came to you, and asked you pretty often. Your ego can't handle the rejection, so you're feeling these negative feelings which is causing you to push more and to play power games.
Just calm down, be patient, and YES take a more passive approach to asking for for sex. Show her that that isn't only why you love her (if you are, in fact, in love with her).
A
female
reader, anonomys_anonomys +, writes (19 August 2010):
sorry to say but it sounds like she likes to control you. she wants to call the shots and thats not fair. it doesn't seem like she's scared to let you know she wants to have sex when on her time so we cant use that excuse. it doesn't make much sence to me either how you say she gets angry when you come to her for sex because a lot of girls are happy when there guy makes the first move. so in this case if i were you i'd keep ignoring her requests and pretend that you can do without it and i bet the next time depending how long you can wait that she will say yes. if not forget it unless you can put up with her rules. remember a relationship including sex should ALWAYS be mutual.
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