A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello. My girlfriend and I have had a recurring problem now for half a year. We've been dating for about a year and we were sexually active the first few months. After some issues with her parents, we are now completely non-sexual. We occasionally have phone sex with each other, but.. afterward each time, she'd feel horrible about herself and would regret it. Mind you, we're both very in love with each other and we're both very Christian. I don't feel bad at all afterward; I feel refreshed and happy. But she always feels bad afterward and she doesn't know why. Lately it's gotten worse to where she can barely masturbate by herself without feeling bad. I need help. Why does she keep feeling bad afterward and how can we fix it? She says it's not because she thinks about me. We've tried stopping the phone sex but sometimes she gets so turned on that she can't help it. Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha, you gave me some incredible advice. Thank you so much. I'll talk to my girlfriend about it. Our relationship has been very hard switching from sexual to non-sexual, but our love is so strong, and you may have just helped us overcome another obstacle.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 April 2012):
 Maybe ask her why she continues to do something that makes her feel bad? Look, full disclosure here. I don't have any problem with people masturbating. I think it's normal and healthy, as long as it isn't taking over your life.
Your girlfriend is experiencing one of those conflicts where her physical urges go against the church teaching and her morals. This isn't something you can resolve for her, and I don't think there is anything you can say to make it better.
Try this for a while: don't engage in phone sex. If she does start, end the call. Don't talk about masturbating at all. Let her figure out how to deal with it herself. I think maybe you were sexual too early for her to really deal with it and the residual guilt is part of the problem. The other problem of course, is that it is pleasurable and your hormones are in high gear, so it's a tug of war between the church restrictions and the body's urges.
Basically, she has to figure this out for herself. It's her body and it's her faith. Support her by not contributing to the conflict she's wrestling with. I know that's a big step for you to go from being sexually active, to phone sex, to zilch but it may help her figure it out.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both so much for the answers. I understand and respect both of your opinions. I also believe she feels bad due to her conscience and faith. Lusting after someone (i.e. masturbating) is frowned upon in our faith. Perhaps she's starting to realize that.
We have indeed been doing this behind her parents; probably not a very good idea. You must understand, though, it's very hard for her not to do this. When she feels the urge, I try to talk her out of it, but she convinces me and herself otherwise. I suppose I should just try harder and give her privacy. But even then, she feels bad when she does it by herself, too. What can I say to her to help her with this situation?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2012): If you were "very Christian", you'd know you are supposed to remain pure and chaste in body and spirit until your wedding night. Masturbating with someone else or having phone sex goes against that. Your girlfriend's conscience is what is bothering her. If you want to be Christian, you won't push her to do these things in the future, especially since they make her uncomfortable. And you won't encourage it if she starts anything with you either.
You're still teenagers. What is so wrong with simply holding hands, kissing, and doing other fun, non-sexual things together to express your love?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 April 2012):
You're not completely non-sexual, you are masturbating over the phone together so you are being sexual with each other. I think that perhaps she is aware of that and the discordancy is what is causing her distress.
Aren't there those who practice your faith who frown on masturbation? Is it considered a permissible activity or not? Maybe that's the other issue, she feels it's not really 'okay' in the context of your faith.
You said that you became completely non-sexual after issues with her parents. Does that mean she got in trouble for being sexually active? Do her parents know she's having phone sex with you? Have they forbidden masturbation or otherwise delivered a message that sex and masturbation are wrong and bad? Sneaking around and deceiving one's parents can lead to some pretty traumatic feelings, you know. It sounds like that is exactly what you are doing.
I expect it's a combination of all those issues causing her to feel bad. Maybe lay off the phone sex and wait until you can be legally together if she's in such distress. If you attend a church, there may be a pastor who can provide counseling to her, or she can talk to her parents about these issues if they open to such conversations.
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