| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I am here to try and understand why my on-again, off-again BF behaves this way. After months of trying to talk to him about issues, I gave up, stepped back and started doing my own thing. Issues ranged from how we would see each other once a month- though we would be conversing through the day- but he was always busy to make lunch or dinner or even coffee plans.Then my insecurity with what I still think was him paying attention to another woman. Together for 4 years. Anyway, long story short, he has been paying attention these last couple of weeks, and I don't understand why anymore. I told him I didn't want to continue seeing him. Today, I was out for drinks and dinner by myself- and he dropped by and had a drink with me. Messaged to ask what time I was leaving for work and maybe we could get breakfast together. Had to decline cause I need to be at work by 9 and I know he has a 9:30 meeting he was willing to skip, but I'd rather he didn't. I guess I just don't understand and his behaviour just confuses me. Every time I step back, he does everything to make me think he wants this to work, as soon as I am in, he stops making the effort.I really don't have the energy nor the emotional bandwidth to deal with it and while I am trying to keep him at a distance, I naturally miss him and the comfort you build with being with someone for 4 years (-although with a gazillion fights/ arguments). Does he just want attention? Ego massage that someone wants him? I am 32 now and need more stability that this circle we seem to be going in....
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (16 March 2016):
 This guy is playing you like an inexpensive violin, bought from a used-instruments store.
HOW LONG do you want to let him keep impacting YOUR life???? (Since you, clearly, aren't impacting his???)???
Grow up, dump him from your life... and get on with life. It really IS quite easy... once you realize that you don't want HIM to have control over YOU!!!!
Good luck...
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 March 2016):
 I think he just doesn't want you to start looking elsewhere, even if... he doesn't really WANT to be in a serious relationship.
If it's been ON/OFF for 4 years, it's CLEARLY not working. If it was there would be no OFF here and there. And having a "gazillion fights" does allude to it not being all that healthy of a relationship. My guess is when things get difficult either of you walks away and the ISSUES... are never truly resolved they are ignored or swept under the carpet.
So maybe you need to decide if THIS is what you want to continue with.... OR if you want more.
If you want to continue wasting time hoping he will change... then keep doing what you are doing.
If you have decided that after 4 years of this... YOU are soundly done (even if you still care deeply for him), then I'd tell him and then BLOCK him and move on. And when you find someone, fine someone you can see yourself with long term, someone you don't constantly argue with. Someone you can "WORK" with. As in... if problems show up, you two can compromise and make it work.
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A
female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (16 March 2016):
Hi there. Sounds from what you relay here that he likes the chase more than anything. He likely won't identify this consciously, but that's what it looks like.
The minute you appear not too bothered, he's there trying to win you again... Yet when he has you and you are committed in again you lose your appeal, because the chase is over once more.
My relationship is similar unfortunately, and coincidentally I'm ending it tonight as, like you, I can see no changes possible longer term beyond the thrill of the short term attention of the chase again.
My conclusion is this wont change for you either and you like myself need a man who does the next stage being the thrill of the chase. That isn't his o one!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2016): Have you ever thought of the possibility that he's seeing someone else? When they argue, he comes to you but when they are back together he disses you?
Consider that.
I would tell him bye-bye.
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