A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:He's been with her for 15 years. I was 20 when they met, so I was off in college and on my own after that doing my own thing so I never had much interaction with them except when I'd come to visit periodically on short visits. Like for a weekend a few times a year. My dad always said he was so happy with her and that made me happy. Even so I always noticed changes in his behavior since her but I never made the connection. Like when I would visit or he would visit, he was always on a time limit. Never spend more than two days together. He would get defensive if I brought it up so I just accepted it. In my mid 20's I relocated near my dads house for a couple of years. He never once invited me over to his house for dinner or for anything. When I brought it up he would change the subject or get defensive. It wasn't until last summer that I came into a bad situation and I ended up having to stay at my dads house for a month (I had to beg and plead). That's when I saw his relationship for the first time up, close and personal. She is very petty and very greedy. Technically that's none of my business, if that's what my dad likes, but she was creating strain between my dad and I. My dad is not allowed to do anything without her consent. Even buy groceries unless it is what SHE wants. He and I went to the supermarket one day and he bought me a pre made salad. Later in the day when I grabbed it from the fridge I noticed the price tag was ripped off. I asked why he'd done that and he got nervous and made some vague comment about how it would bother his girlfriend. She would keep tabs on everything I would eat and she would hide food in the fridge so I wouldn't touch it. I'm thin, I don't even eat a lot. (Btw, they're not poor, they are both individually very well off.) I drink coffee every morning with milk and sugar. She started complaining to my dad that I was using all the sugar. Talk about choosing your battles! When my dad brought it up to me I asked sarcastically if she was concerned for my health. He looked down silently. I said to him, if she's concerned for my health that's one thing, we both know it's not that, she's just being greedy. A bag of sugar costs $2.00, I'll buy her a new one. She was always paranoid, a couple of times my dad and I were talking and she walked in and gave him the death look and said, "what did you just say? I heard x, y, z." And I was like, what's the problem? We weren't talking about you. My dad just sat there scared like an injured puppy. It was bizarre. I could tell my dad was embarrassed. I was being such a nice house guest. Very clean. Kept to myself. Very polite. Offered help around the house in any way I could. Meanwhile all she did was try to find something wrong with me. One time we went out to dinner and she kept on eye on how much I ate because she wanted me to leave most of my meal as leftovers so she could take it home and reuse for dinner the following night. I was SO uncomfortable and shocked at her behavior. The final straw was one night we all went out to dinner. My father told me to get something to share with him and her. I was onto her greediness so I said no. I know my dad doesn't care. He's paying the tab anyway. She was livid. I ordered my meal. My dad ordered his. And for the rest of dinner she made a scene at the table because I dared order a meal for just myself. She sat there and insulted me for 45 minutes. Basically every negative thing and my "failures" she knew about me she threw in my face. That I'm not married yet. Falling outs I've had with friends and past relationships. That my lifestyle is pathetic. That her life is so much better. That my cousins and my sisters life is so much better. I was SHOCKED. I was fighting back the tears. Not because I care what she thinks of me but because this horrible bitch is who my dad chose to be with and put me in that awful spot. My dad was horrified too. But he didn't say anything and never once came to my defense. The next day I told him she owes me an apology. He agreed. She ended up giving me a faux-pology. Her apology consisted of her attacking me again. Her apology was, "IF I offended you, I guess I'm sorry but YOU..." I stood up and walked away. I was done being attacked for absolutely no reason. Then she started yelling at me pulling up my shortcomings, that's when I turned around and dished it right back to her. I said, "you don't know me because in 15 years you've never taken the time to get to know me. I would never throw information that's none of my business in someone's face as you've done. I've heard lots of things about you and your own failures and shortcomings and I wouldn't throw it back in your face because you don't do that." Then I got mad and I pointed my finger at her and I yelled, "don't ever throw things in my face like you've just done." I was livid! And I walked away. The next day my dad said to me that I had to leave right away because she felt threatened by me and fearful for her life and was afraid that I was going to kill her in her sleep. And she gave him an ultimatum. Me or her. My heart sank. I simply could not believe how crazy they both were. He gave me an hour to pack my stuff and get out. I had to stay at a hotel for a few days before I figured out other living arrangements. My dad called me a few days later, visibly upset about everything and told me he was pretty disgusted with her and that he wanted to move out. I didn't say anything. I left and made my own life as I usually do. It's been almost a year, he never moved out. He is "happy" again. I don't believe my dad is happy. I can't figure out why he tolerates this. I believe my dad is in a very controlling and manipulative relationship. Her behavior spoke volumes. I know he has been on anti depressants for quite some time now. I am mad at my dad but at the same time want to help him. But he is in complete denial that anything is wrong. The woman is completely nuts. Btw, she has no friends, no social outlets whatsoever. No contact with her family. My dad is her only outlet and if she doesn't get her way she throws a fit. And my dad just bows down to her. I told my dad, you both are not obligated to each other. Your children are your obligation. You both are consenting adults, you are together as a CHOICE, not an obligation. She has no right to expect anything from you. If you are with her it's because you choose to not because you're obliged to. He just nodded his head and didn't say much. It's pretty pathetic. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2016): I'm the op. Thank you for all the responses. And for the reassurance! To those that said I'm an adult and should move on and let him be, I agree with you. The thing is I'm concerned that my dad's in an abusive situation. Not physically, but psychologically. And needs support. Something's really off. Tisha-1 I did used to be close to my dad before her. We'd always spend holidays together, before he met her, I'd take summer school at the college near his house so I could spend the summers with my dad at his house. We used to take family vacations together all the time. It was awesome. Ever since her he's changed completely. We don't spend holidays together. His visits or mine are always on a two day time limit. He's no longer welcoming of us at his home. I barely see him. And whenever I've brought it up to him, he gets defensive. It's made me so sad throughout the years, as time goes by, I've lost so much time with my dad. Believe me Ive brought it up so many times, but he gets angry and defensive. There is no getting through to him. After the way she acted a lot of things that had happened in the past that I never associated with her, suddenly came together. After college I had left one of my computers at my dads house. They set it up for their personal use. I still had loads of photos saved on that computer of myself, my friends and all my family, my grandma, cousins etc. I figured I'd get the pics next time I visit. When I did, I found every one of my pics in the recycle bin. Someone had put them there for deletion but failed to fully delete them. I was horrified. I confronted my dad but he had no idea what I was talking about. I KNOW my dad would never do that. It was after my experience with her that I realized she had done that and maliciously so. And I bet had I not found those pics she would've denied it and claimed she had no knowledge of any pictures. And my dad would've stuck up for her. I cannot fathom WHY she would do that. It's so malicious and unnecessary. Honey Pie, I thought the exact same thing, to find out about her past. I don't know how to conduct a background search. Or if it would even reveal much. Her dad passed away many years ago and her mother and stepfather passed away a few years ago in a freak accident at their home. (Carbon monoxide poisoning from a car that was left on in the garage). To which her and her siblings stood to inherit a very large sum of money. I always found it weird that she retired the day she got her inheritance. Ever since, her own brother and sister do not speak to her. I asked my dad why they don't speak to her, he said "her sister is a bitch." I said, "That's too simplistic. She's not telling you the whole story. And what about the brother?" He said the brother took the sisters side. I know she is not being honest with my dad. I don't trust her at all. But he believes everything she says. He's so manipulated by her, he can't see past his own nose. And I don't like the way she keeps my dad so isolated and controlled. People only do that when they have a lot to hide and they don't want to be exposed. I just don't know what to do.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 March 2016):
 I’d continue doing your own thing. Sorry you’ve hit a personal rough patch but obviously he feels his obligation is to her. You don’t sound like you’ve been very close to him all these years, perhaps mutual choice, perhaps because you don’t anything in common with his partner.
Don’t let her get to you, if she’s that isolated and unhappy that’s her problem, not yours. It might be your Dad’s problem but he’s chosen to be with her for this long.
If you are really concerned that she’s abusing him you can always ask for wellness checks on him.
But from what you’ve written she’s simply a nasty person with no interpersonal skills whatsoever and a grudge against you for whatever reason.
Carry on building the life you want and don’t let her drag you down. As you wrote, you’ve never been close to your Dad. Maybe the easiest thing to do is to mourn the loss of the old, loving Dad of your youth and accept that that Dad no longer exists.
Make your plans for your future based on the notion that you have no parents. You didn’t mention your mother in your post so it’s a safe guess that she’s not in the picture for you either. I don’t know what it’s like to be orphaned but I do know the loss of a parent.
She’s toxic, but that apparently is what your Dad likes. Sad, but true.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 March 2016):
 I can see why you are worried, but only he can help himself. Also when he was picking up the tab for a meal you say well no you are going to order your own meal, as he was paying, maybe you expect a bit to much from him as well. Could you not buy your own meal? Or your own groceries for your food? I think the best thing you can do is stay out of their relationship and leave him to get on with his life.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 March 2016):
 Let your Dad live his life; you live your life... and never the twain shall meet....
WHY would you let your Father's (and his "gal-pal's") relationship have ANY impact upon YOUR life??????
Grow up!!!!!
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2016): I totally understand how you feel my dad had a 7year affair with a woman who harrassed my mother,me and my sister and was physically abusive to my dad. He has a permanent scar on his forehead from her attacking him. It was completely insane and no one understood why he was with her. Eventually he saw the light and my parents are now divorced he broke up with that mad woman and has a new nice partner. Sadly there isnt really alot you can do other than be there for your dad and hope he sees the light eventually for himself. Its terrible that he kicked his own daughter out over such silliness but thats the kind of crazy life hes living at the moment i guess. You cant make choices for him just try to keep a relationship with him and support him whatever happens.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 March 2016):
 I would HATE to see my own dad in such a situation, so I understand you.
But as long term partners she DOES have the right to "expect" things from him. Maybe not what YOU and I would expect from a partner, but that is something they have worked out over the years.
MEN can be in abusive relationships too. She might not be physically abusive, but mentally and emotionally.
If your dad was a female, most people would say "GET HER AWAY!!" - this isn't a healthy relationship! And it isn't. I think the best way you can HELP your dad is being there for him, call him, talk to him, support him - maybe try for a bit NOT to make HER the main subject, but make HIM the main subject.
Personally, while I understand that HE is a grown man, I'd run a background check on her. Just to see what's in her past. She has some serious issues going on. And maybe in the beginning your Dad felt that he was "good" for her, but as it has turned out... she isn't good for him.
And I would continue to spend time with your dad, whether she likes it or not.
The decision is his in the end, not yours. And that part sucks.
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