A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My mom thinks she knows who I am, but she doesn't, and it drives me insane!!!! She thinks I give into my friends, when actually i just want to do what they want to do most of the time and i agree with their views. She thinks I don't know how to act in public, when the truth is its HER behavior that embarasses me. Shes an idiot when it comes to what I want in life. She thinks I'll be the daughter that moves in the house across the street, go to community college, and settle down immediately. WRONG. I wanna get OUT! i wanna move far away! I want to travel! I don't want to go to a community college, or even a state school! I'm only 15, but i know i want to go to school in new york or down south. I don't want kids until i'm AT LEAST 29. She thinks I'm a slut too! Me and my friends took pictures at the beach, in our bikinis. My mom saw them, and flipped! I get weekly don't be a whore lectures. Truthfully, i've never had a boyfriend, and I don't plan on losing anything until I'm 18. It wasn'f even that bad, considering the girls I go to school with. I can't stand it when she makes these assumptions. How can I get her to see the real me?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 June 2012):
 You have some good goals for the future. Wanting to travel is good. Wanting to see more of life before you settle down is admirable.
Delaying children until you have developed your skills and acquired an education and good experience and developed a career is a great goal.
And Full marks that you have chosen to wait until boys are more mature before you show some interest in boys. That is a huge plus on your part. My Mom though I was a failure because I delayed dating until after I turned 18. It never did me any harm. Yes I had some huge crushes on boys at 13, 14, 15 etc. But I left them as crushes. There were plenty of 'easy' girls willing to attend to those boys and I missed out on nothing by delaying dating.
But taking photos in bikinis is very normal behaviour. Maybe Mom is jumping to conclusions on that score.
Set aside time to talk to your Mom and establish some ground rules. No interrupting. No assuming. And good listening skills. Work out where you AGREE on any issue before you start thrashing around on the points you disagree on. Your Mom is scared that some bad things might happen to you. And the ground rules should include no accusatory comments. If you are going to communicate then at least do it with a win:win result as the aim. Not a win:lose result. You both have some good points to bring to the discussion. And agree to disagree sometimes without letting the disagree to escalate into full UPROAR. Read the book called "I'm OK, you're OK" because you do both have valid points to bring to the discussion.
Education is the key to achieveing some great goals.
How are you going to acquire that education?
who will fund that education? Is funding it achieveable or do you need to work and study to pay for the education you want?
What life skills will allow you to live your life and afford to live and afford to study? where will you live?
It's a truism that Mom's lose brain cells as their daughters reach puberty. It seems to happen to the parents of so many teens around the early days of puberty.
At this time your child brain is being re-wired to become the brain of a teenager who is slowly morphing into an adult.
This re-boot of your brain causes you to notice how everyone around you is changing. Becoming impossible. You are OK. You know what you want. But these clueless adults around you are starting to act WEIRD. They continually MISS the POINT. It is frustrating. you tell them and they just do not GET IT.
What is one to do with such parents?
By the time you are 16 your Mom will appear to have no redeeming features whatsoever. By the time you are 17 you will despair at how illogical your Mom is. And when you reach 18 you will be certain you know completely what is required and that you Mom is completely clueless.
But when you reach 20 and 21 a miracle will occur.
It will be a Miracle worthy of being reported on the front page of the newspapers across the world.
A Miracle you say?
Yes an amazing miracle.
A wonderful change will become evident. Spontaneously your Mom will appear to be developing brain cells at a fast pace than seems possible. It is a magnificent to observe this change. And it happens in so many families of teenagers.
Where do Moms learn to change?
You Mom will start to have occasional flashes of utter brilliance. Your Mom will offer solutions that work. Unbelievable to imagine right now, I realize.
At 21 your Mom will be actually saying some very wise things.
And by the time you are 22 and 23 your Mom will have spontaneously become smarter than you are at that age. It is an incredible miracle
But first there is that rapid decline that you are suffering now and it will be so frustrating for several years yet. How can your Mom not see the sense in what you are trying to tell her? you have 15 years of experience and you know what you want.
How can she be so ignorant of the situation as you know it?
How can she even imagine that she knows what you need?
One scratches one's head to see Mom's who are unable to see the inate wisdom of their teens at age 13, 14, 15 when clearly the teens have all the bases covered?
I once asked my Mother in law, 'How come you are so wise? You know things when I have not even told you the whole story. You are so accurate in your summation of things. You see through people when you only know a few facts and I have not even told you the whole story.'
Her answer was, 'Because I have experienced everything you have experienced. I have seen the best and the worst in people. I have seen how things can end badly. Such people are very predictable. Unwise people, manipulative people, and Bad people behave in certain ways and always have done so. They are easy to spot. And how they behave is very predicatable'
And she was accurate. She has always been accurate.
And she told me. 'I am not smarter than you. I have just seem more of life. And if I can help you learn what to look out for the people who potentialy will cause you pain, and advise you with information and skills that will help you avoid some of the things that caused me pain in the past, or caused a friend pain in the past then I will offer you advice when asked for advice.'
Over and over again my lovely Mother in law has proved to be the wise, accurate reliable one.
Your Mom really loves you. She is worried about you. And she may not be communicating that in a way that seems relevant to you. Yet she really cares. She wants to protect you from harm that has not even occurred to you.
When we are teens (yes I remember being a teen) we think all things are black and white. But over time we can see that what we wanted then may not have been the wisest course.
Being at odds with your Mom at 15 is very very common.
Try to keep the communication lines open. Try not to write her off as someone who knows nothing.
And it is not just your friends who concern your Mom. We are and become like the people we associate with because those people are like us. They share our values and aspirations. We are drawn to people who seem to share our values and our outlook. So you are part of a crowd of people who behave in certain ways.
Tere are aspects of how you are behaving that probably makes your Mom blame your friends as a bad influence. But that is not true. You are the way you are because you want to behave in that way. You are drawn to peers who act in a way that you admire. There may even be other parents who are using you as an example of a bad influence on their children. Once again they are wrong. you and your friends are on a path and you are a group who accept that how you are behaving is NORMAL as that is how the people in your group behave.
Yet in another community or another group or in another place there would be other NORMS of what is normal.
your Mom is remembering the Norms in the groups she knew as a teen. She knows which groups faltered and did not achieve good things. And she knows which groups went on to greater things.
Mom has seen some key indicators that cause her unease about your friends. Yes she may seem quick to condemn your friends. Are your friends always respectful towards your Mom? Are you always respectful towards your Mom?
Do you always tell the truth to your Mom on all occasions?
it is very easy to get sucked into situations in the blink of an eye. It is very easy for older teens to make you think something is cool or that a situation is normal when that is the case.
But it seems that first you wish to test the waters and make a few mistakes. And enjoy some successes that are goals you want to reach for.
But during this trying period try not to close the door of Communication between you and your Mom. you both have more in common than you realize. and Your Mom wants the VERY BEST for you. She just needs to learn to communicate this fact to you without Judgement.
Maybe even ask your Mom if you can invite your friends to your home for pizza and a DVD?
She can be in the background - I am not suggesting that she sit there as you enjoy the pizza and trhe DVD. But at least she will get to meet them and say hello to them. It may help demystify them and allow them to show her their good sides?
Best wishes for the coming five years. it will be rocky sometimes. But in the long journey you should (if all goes well) result in a stronger better relationship between you and your Mom.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2012): Lol just wait til your a mom yourself, you're having a teenage drama which at your age is common. Your mom looks out for your best interest believe it or not, she was once your age and probably had the same views but ended up making a mistake, which she may be trying to prevent you from. Ease up on her. You only get 1 mom treat her with respect and love.
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