A
female
age
51-59,
*ola65
writes:when I was on holiday with my husband last year I noticed him looking over at a table where two couples were sitting having a meal. it was our last night on holiday and he said he was looking at the food one of the women were having as she was having octopus. he kepted looking over and had a little smile on his face and it upset me because he was there with me and to keep looking over made me angry. I know now it must of been because he found the woman attractive. I look myself at men but I don't do it to make my husband feel uncomfortable nor do I keep looking at them. he done this to me at our swimming baths too. a woman was with her child and he had climbed onto the wall where my husband was. my husband was facing the woman and was not to far from her and kepted looking at her. I was at the side watching him. I should of went in between them so he could see he was there with me but I got upset and swam away. he wondered why I was upset and said he wasn't looking at her but I knew what I saw. he is middle aged and isn't Brad Pitt but I love him warts and all so why does he do this to me. I try my best to look nice and Im ok to look at but would not stand out in a crowd. I know he loves me and he told me he does look at other women but wants me so why does he keep looking if he sees another women he obviously finds attractive. I suffer with anxiety so is he doing this on purpose to get to me and he might think he is a good catch and to make me scared I might lose him.
View related questions:
on holiday Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2021): Maybe he was looking at the men?Either way it is disrespectful.Couples consulting asap.If he does not go...go alone.
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (28 March 2021):
 Its not ideal, and it is wrong the way he is looking at women, especially in front of you.
I think communication is key here, you need to sit down and have a chat and tell him how uncomfortable it makes you feel the way he looks at other woman.
Although when your out sometimes, in public, walking down the street, out for a meal, at the baths its impossible not to notice other people of the opposite sex. Unless you buy him a set of horse blinkers every time you go out you are not going to avoid this.
Just tell him that while you understand there are going to be other woman around while your out, his looks and glances don't have to be so prolonged, and lingering when in your presence.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2021): Why does your husband look at other women? That is easy. Because he is a PIG. If there is one thing I can't stand about men it's when they salivate at the mouth ogling other women. AND trying to FLIRT too! He must be over the hill. Bald. Fat. Trying to see if he has still got it? You see men are never validated by their wives. They know they've got their wives in their back pockets so the ego boost from a wife no longer exists. They need fresh meat to think they are super studs and then their ego's soar to high heaven! They are just weak and insecure and pathetic little boys in a man's body.
I think he might be headed for a mid life crisis. This kind of behavior usually escalates OP. Guys don't stare this aggressively unless they are hoping to create an opportunity for themselves. They are on the chase. On the make. He is wanting at least one woman to look back at him and maybe signal to him that she thinks he is hot or is interested in banging him. But his odds at success with strange women are next to zero. I would be more concerned if he is doing this around women he knows or works with or are in his social circle. They are the real threats because men like him could actually succeed over time in wearing one of them down. I feel sorry for you to be married to such a selfish, thoughtless and inconsiderate jerk who has no empathy for your feelings or the pain he puts you through. If I were you, I would start my own makeover. Get to a gym. Get fit. Eat healthy. Join fitness classes or art classes. Any classes. Get out there and meet people. Stop relying on his VALIDATION of you. You are beautiful and you are worthy of being loved, adored and treated with respect. Why? Because YOU KNOW IT and because YOU say so. Who cares what he thinks? HE is a JERK!!!! And he is the one who is NOT WORTHY OF YOU!!!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2021): "I suffer with anxiety so is he doing this on purpose to get to me and he might think he is a good catch and to make me scared I might lose him."
It's really your responsibility to work on your anxiety, and not let it rule your life. Your anxiety may very well be affected by your husband's behavior; but anxiety is a combination of emotions. Life can be hard, unpredictable, and challenging. Life's obstacles, pitfalls, and surprises come at you in waves. You are an adult. You have to teach yourself to take some control over what upsets you. If you give-up and give-in to every disturbance, your life will be absolute hell.
Everyone has anxieties, with no exceptions. If your nerves are always on high alert, because other women are in his line of vision. First, get a grip! Women are everywhere! He can see them!
Next, you need to practice some diversionary tactics to break his concentration. Meanwhile, calm yourself down. Truth is, the triggers to your anxiety will never stop. It's about how you decide to deal with each problem that upsets. You to work on maintaining your dignity, before simply "reacting."
You have a very low self-image. Almost self-deprecating, from what I read in your post. Apparently, you are apparently always on pins and needles; worrying about what could possibly upset you. For some people, it's everything!!! Your husband is human, he is a man, he has eyesight, and eyeballs. There is little you or anyone can do; that will stop him from seeing or looking at other women.
You can modify his behavior. You don't have to address every issue in your marriage with agitation or emotion; try using some logic, diplomacy, and a few moral platitudes. Married-people behave differently from when they were single. Remind him before you go out, to behave himself around other females. Stop acting like a dog around females in heat! Other females notice how he's disrespecting you, and that humiliates you. If he has a heart, he'd understand that! You can borrow those words.
First, tell him bluntly and most assuredly that you are tired of his disrespectful gawking. Borrow these words too, if you like. Remind him he is a married-man, and it angers you when he blatantly stares at women right in-front of you; and then insults your intelligence by denying it. Now lower the boom. "It's beginning to become a problem in the marriage." That means the marriage is in-trouble! Maybe that's a slight exaggeration, but you need his full-attention. You did come to DC!
He has to know now serious it is. He has been shrugging you off; because you admit you have anxiety issues. He can't constantly tiptoe around your hypersensitivities. Don't always use your "anxiety" as an excuse reason you're upset. Your concerns are concrete and legitimate! Then he won't be so quick to just gaslight you, and dismiss your concerns as your anxiety disorder. For that, how is he to blame?
Address the issue at-hand, and leave "anxiety" out of it! He is staring at other women, and that makes the pervy-mind start to fantasize. He knows you're there; so call-out his name! Snap him back to reality! Do it each and every-time! Video his behavior with your phone camera; and show him what you see him doing. Keep a library of them to remind him, how bad it looks when you're forced to sit there and watch him behaving badly. Unbecoming of a married-man, or a decent father.
As your husband, he has a moral responsibility of respecting you as his mate. Lusting for other women is beyond just looking. Looking too long, biblically it is considered committing adultery in your heart. He's still a man, and he's still human; and he will look at other women. He is not able to make you have a better image of yourself. That's up to you to take care of. Who you are, and your self-worth, is not contingent or dependent on the opinion of others. You were fiercely and wonderfully made by God, in His image. If you envy other women, that's your problem to deal with. If your husband doesn't seem to respect your feelings, and doesn't seem to want to show you honor through his actions; then you have the option to relieve him of that privilege. He can look at all the women he likes as a divorced-man; minus half of all of his assets, and everything he owns.
Suggest he stop denying it, and let him know how condescending that is. You're not stupid. The videos will backup your words. Then if worse comes to worse, and he starts triggering your anxiety to the degree you're feeling sick. Consider getting a lawyer. Let's see how seriously he'll take you then. He'd be a previously married-man over 40, no George Clooney; who's ex-wife divorced him for mental-cruelty (he knows you suffer anxiety disorder), womanizing, and having a notorious roving-eye. That's no catch, my dear! Meanwhile, upgrade your self-esteem and self-image. He doesn't have the power to make you love yourself. That's your job!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 March 2021):
 Why not simply walk away every time he does this?
If he asks tell him it's embarrassing that he ogles women the way he does. And it's disrespectful to you AND to the woman.
While we don't go blind to attractive people there is such a thing as self-control. You can glance at a pretty person but when it becomes these lewd ogling - it's creepy.
I'll also say a thing, OP
STOP taking it personally. It's not because you aren't attractive he just has no self-control. You can not control him either. THIS is how he acts. You can decide if you want to sit right next to him when he does it or not.
He might think no one notices but people do. And he isn't going to land some hot babe by drooling all over her like some cartoon character.
...............................
|
