A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years, two teens, good life, great sex......until about 2 years ago. In the last 2 years our sex life has dwindled to nothing.....literally nothing. He has not touched me in 8 months. He is a Marine and I have begged pleaded teased....in short done all I could,but nothing. is he cheating? When? He goes nowhere! To work, home for lunch, back to work, home and then sits his ass on the couch playing video games until midnight. But last week we were on our way to a sports tournament to watch our son when I asked to use his phone to move money in our bank account. At first he hesitated, then handed it, but before I got on the Internet he yanked it out of my hand and started deleting stuff off it. I have access to the phone bill, nothing there I can see, but SOMETHING is wrong. He has nooooo sex drive, doesn't hold my hand, kiss me....nothing. He dips tobacco to the tune of 2 cans a day.....sleeps well....(better than he should), he seems to be in the bathroom a lot lately, I just can't reach him. Help, anyone? He shows no interest in anything but video games....black ops. I bought him head phones so we don't have to always hear it.....but he refuses to wear them. The noise is tearing my family apart. Kids go their room to get away, I go into another room to get away. I wear headphones now so I can't hear it. No affection, no sex, little dialogue, basically all we do is grocery shop together. He won't go to a movie, on a trip, no vacation, in fact his idea of a vacation is his mothers house, sitting on her couch, eating her food, watching her TV. I won't even go anymore. If that is all we are going to do, I would just as soon stay home. I am losing my mind. I have requested to see a Psychologist and I AM ONE. He is making me crazy...
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (16 February 2013):
 I am glad you are taking a step in the right direction. Hopefully your therapist will be able to uncover what is really going on.
Also, I know you are angry and frustrated but take a look at the language you used in your post: "confronted" and it sounds more like you got into an argument rather than a discussion. I think, perhaps, you put him on the defensive and his only reaction is to stand there and take it. Also it sounded like there was a one way means of communication. Either he has checked out of the marriage all together or you aren't letting him respond (or didn't want to hear his message).
I suggest you write a letter to him. Keep it short, 1 page, and tell him what you need from him. Tell him how unhappy you are and that after 20 years you feel cast aside. Tell him you are worried about yours and his future. Tell him you want to feel loved again.
Let him read it in peace and see if he responds.
Once again, I am glad you are taking steps to deal with this situation.
Eddie
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGot approved for a therapist yesterday and will start next week. I confronted him this morning about all of it again and he repeatedly says there is nothing wrong. Nothing is ever wrong. Does he think its normal to not have sex for 8 months, seemingly so. Is he unhappy? No Does he know how unhappy I am? No. Has he noticed I am not talking to him? No. Did he kiss me? No. Did he apologize? Not really. He said he was sorry only after I burst into tears. He never hugged me or said it again. He stood three feet away with his arms to his side with some kind of stupid grin on his face. Like it was a joke. It's always a joke. I was offered a job across the country on Friday, I asked him if he wanted me to take it. No. That's it. If I had a gun I would shoot myself. I am so sick of living with someone who has nothing to offer in the way of himself. It is as if they sent home a body with a stranger inside. I text him on my way home last night and asked he wanted to do anything fun? Got nothing back. Video games....and that is where he sat until after 2AM and where he sitting now. Thanks everyone for your tips and suggestions. I don't think it's PTSD, I think he is just cruel.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): Dear poster, Does he have erectile dysfunction, or he has no problem of getting an erection? I'm asking this, as it is possible that he is ashamed of this, so he does not want you to know that.
Was it a sudden change? It is very important, because sudden change, is psychological.
The other idea, is it possible , that is has gay interest?
Just some more idea to think about.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 February 2013):
 I totally agree with Eddie that you can’t fix this alone.
Since this all started after his last tour, then it’s probably PTSD related. That does not mean he has the right to NOT fix it if he can.
And now you have a decision to make. If he won’t’ go for counseling then you have to go to figure out if you are willing to live like this and accept him as he is or if you will leave.
He’s not talking to you as a way to force your hand. He clearly to me wants out but won’t ask for fear that you will take him to the cleaners but if he treats you like this eventually you will leave and it will not be his fault or failure.
I am going to suggest this:
1. Get yourself a good therapist that you can work with alone. That you trust and can really WORK hard with… you know it won’t be easy. And it’s scary. As a professional you know that the fact that you are not doing the hard work right now to try to figure this out is avoidance. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!
2. It’s going to be hard for you to do this but you must treat him exactly as he is treating you…. STOP talking to him. STOP trying to be affectionate. STOP making his meals or doing his laundry. GIVE HIM A TASTE OF LIFE WITHOUT YOU SINCE CLEARLY THAT’S WHAT HE WANTS.
3. I would book a spa weekend away with a girlfriend who knows how bad it is and is willing to listen…. Do not ask him if you can go… TELL HIM… “I’m leaving on xx/xx/xx at 12:12 and I will be gone 3 days. THEN GO. Call and check in with your children once a day…. DO NOT ASK TO SPEAK TO HIM.
As a psychologist you know that HE HAS TO WANT to fix this and if he does not THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO FIX IT ALONE. Therefore all you can do is fix yourself.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (15 February 2013):
Sorry to hear about his reaction to Valentine's Day. I know how heart breaking that can be.
Again, I can't state this strongly enough: If you want to make a change in your relationship you are going to have to take some action. Valentine's Day cards and sweet talk isn't going to cut it. Review my suggestions, take one and implement it.
There is something going on with him: mental illness, internal anger, or maybe he has simply fallen out of love and is looking for you to end things. I don't know the dynamics of your relationship, nor do I truly know you or him. I think you need to seek outside help in determining what is really going on. There is a reason why this is happening and either you aren't seeing it or ignoring it. A professional can ask the right questions and make a better assessment of what is going on and suggest solutions. Just don't expect overnight changes... this will take work.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo drugs, but nicotene. He is a Marine. No drugs allowed. He has a huge job, but it is me he has talked to before. Yes, PTSD has definite posibilities. Counseling he would never do in a million years. All great suggestions. Depressed, maybe, but I doubt it. Sleep patterns are normal, we don't argue, he talks to the kids, just not me. Thanks for the help. Today was Valentines Day. I got him a card. He got me nothing. I handed him the card, I am not sure that he didn't throw it out.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (15 February 2013):
It would appear that his lack of sex interest in you coincides with the time he came home from Afghanistan. I would tend to think this fact is definitely related.
1) Have you done anything I suggested? Looked at the books, had a heart-to-heart -- have you LISTENED to him? There must be some sort of clue as to why he has changed so much. Somewhere in that anger and fights he has told you something... even if you don't like the answer, he has probably given you one.
2) A lot of guys forget anniversary stuff -- especially after as many years you have been married. Try not to hold it against him. I know it hurts -- I've been there, but as with anything, your either forgive or simmer in a stew of resentment. I am sure, though, that he has taken you for granted. Either let it go or next time try to build up the event so that you can share something together (a trip, a special dinner, etc).
3) Have you considered that he may be suffering from post-traumatic stress? It isn't always hallucinations like you see in movies, but the mental illness can be very subtle. Perhaps he is suffering from depression. A Marine's way of life is extremely tough and he could be suffering silently with something very serious. He could also be dabbling with drugs -- perhaps meth?
4) He could be suffering from mid-life crisis. He might be having regrets of things he has not yet accomplished or feeling trapped in the decisions he made.
Again, I would strongly encourage you to seek outside help. There is a LOT more going on here than what can be fixed on an advice site. Even if your husband refuses to go I would suggest you seek out help by yourself to seek further insight.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all of you for your responses. Well, to answer all your questions: He is an Active Duty Marine, no health issues, except coming home from Afgh almost 2 years ago. No strange activity on the cell bill. He runs 3 days a week, works out, then sits on the couch. He is unapproachable about this. I have talked, begged, cried, pleaded and get a blank look like I am crazy and nothing is wrong. There IS something wrong when you don't show affection for 8 months. I am 5'2 weigh, 135 pounds, blonde hair green eyes and swim 6 days a weeks. We owe no money, have great kids, great house and 3 dogs and a cat. The only things that get affection are the dogs and cat. He forgot our anniversary, Jan 14th, but I gave him cards. When I got upset, he yelled....."What I forget ONE time and you get upset???" No late flowers, no late card just nothing. Valentines, I got him a card. He got me nothing. Opened his and ??? I don't even know where it went. No thank you.....no nothing......
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (14 February 2013):
There could be lots of things going on:
1) He is getting older. Men in their 40's often time lose testosterone and their sex drives can dwindle to nothing at all. He is probably out of shape too, especially if all he does is play video games and dip tobacco. This only compounds the problem. A lack of a sex drive is often the first sign of problems... if he hasn't been to a doctor he should consider seeing one soon for a general check-up.
2) He probably started deleting his phone's information because he probably has pornography on it and didn't want you to see his browser history. If he isn't having sex with you and has a sex drive my guess is that he is getting off using pornography. Most guys use it when their wives / girlfriends don't want to have sex, but to rely upon it when you are left wanting means that it is a problem.
3) Have you gained weight or changed your appearance? If you look at things from his perspective, are you still sexually attractive? Are you a nag? Do you fight a lot? One of the principles of having a healthy sex life is wanting to be with one another. If he is self-absorbed in his games and you are constantly fighting, your sex life will suffer. He may be a "manly type" that wants to show you he can get along just fine without you and this is his wife of not dealing with the issues. If he feels forgotten, feels like he doesn't have a say, or left out, he may withdraw as well.
I think there is a LOT more going on than what you've listed here. I would've been suspicious after 3 months of no sex, but here you are after 2 years finally looking at the problem.
I don't think there is an easy answer here nor an immediately solution. There is something very significant going on and you WILL have to have a heart-to-heart with your husband about what is going on in your marriage. Sure it will be scary, but you won't uncover the root of the problem until you attempt to look at what is going on. And LISTEN to what he says. He may be feeling like his opinion doesn't matter, so have this talk with an open mind and not finding blame.
Hopefully once the problem is identified you can seek out solutions.
I would also encourage you to seek out a 3rd party for help: a qualified marriage counselor can do wonders for you.
Also, you may, as a couple, want to read Dr Laura Schlessinger's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" and for you, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". She will teach you how you have a tremendous amount of power in the relationship and how to use it to get the love that you desire.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2013): Tobacco causes problems with the cardiovascular system. One way this can present itself is erectile dysfunction. If he has ED, he may be too embarrassed to see a doctor.The "sleeps well...(better than he should)" and "in the bathroom a lot lately" really concern me. I had friends like this. They were addicted to prescription opiates.Have you tried simply and straightforwardly asking him what is going on? Have you tried telling him that you want to feel like you are in a loving relationship? Have you tried telling him that he spends more time in the bathroom than he does interracting with you?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 February 2013):
2 cans of snuff a day will destroy his jaw and his mouth... I do not think it will mess with his libido. It may however mess with his ability to have an erection.
of course at his age (I assume he is in his late 40s or so) he may be starting to suffer from ED or low T
he disrespects you by not wearing the headphones (are they wireless and comfy... we spent over $150 dollars for wireless comfortable headphones for my hubby to wear) if they are comfy and he just refuses to do so even if you ask, he's telling you he wants out...
could he be depressed?
if he's not depressed, if his medical work up (he needs a complete work up to rule out medical problems) shows no medical issues and he won't discuss it with you, I think you will need to light a fire under him if you want to save the marriage.
He may have had porn on his phone... and be ashamed he is looking at porn and is not nurturing his marriage. If that's the case you do have an issue.
if he wont' talk to you about it... it's a bigger issue.
You are a psychologist... you know how much counseling can help....
I would sit him down and say
"husband I love you and I want to save our marriage but I can't do it alone. We have some problems that we need to work on and I think it would be best if we got some professional help doing it, are you willing to work with me to save our marriage?"
if he says YES, then you can find a counselor to work with both of you.....
if he says NO..... you can find a lawyer to make sure you are properly treated in the divorce you will have to get.
you are still young enough to have a decent life NOT alone and not miserable with this man who at this point has already checked out of the marriage.
I think that if he says he does not want to go to counseling I would make arrangements for one of you to move out of the marital home and start the separation proceedings... that alone may be enough to shake him up.
Marriages are work... but BOTH parties have to want to fix the problems.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2013): Why would you let him delete things on the phone. As his wife you have every right to see what is going on. Give it some time - when he least expect it and not around go through it. If he has a code on it then demand to have him open it for you - yell if you have to. You know something is wrong, why ignore it. It could be many things: He's cheating, he's seeing prostitutes, he's viewing porn... You need to be firm and get to the bottom of this.
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