A
female
age
41-50,
*K8833
writes:I feel so horrible. My husband and I were fighting and I scratched him. I was minding my own business and he came in the room bitching about how bad the dog smelled and that he is allergic to the dog. All of this was said to get a rise out of me because he knows I love the dog to death and he just wants to see me get angry. He is not allergic to the dog and she had just come in from outside so of course she smelled. I was on the computer and tried to ignore his rant for a short while. After awhile it became too much and I lost it. When I could feel myself getting angry and had said some mean words that I wish I could take back I asked him to back off and leave me alone. He thinks it is his "job" to teach me to control my temper and when I become aggitated he provokes me even more. He says it is because I am an only child and didnt have brothers or sisters to teach me self control. I think it's bullshit and that he should act like my husband and not my sibiling. I will tell him repeatedly to leave me alone and try to remove myself from the situation but he refuses to let up and blocks the doorway so I can't leave. It is like he gets off on making me lose control. I did all of that today and he just kept on provoking ne. Finally I lost it and scratched his arm. It left a mark. So much so that he had to wear a longsleeve shirt to cover it. I immediately felt guilty and started crying and apologizing. He was so mad at me that he left the house without even looking at me. This is not the first time that I have scratched or hit him out of anger. I always do it after I warn him that I am at my boiling point and he keeps on provoking me. It is so out of character for me to lose my temper. My best friends and family are shocked when I tell them how angry I get. It's just not like me. I never lose my temper with anyone but him. I have been a nanny for years and never lost my temper with the children (and they are little devils at times too). I don't know what to do. I am in counseling for it, but my husband refuses to go with me. He thinks psychiatry is a joke and for weak people. I feel so horrible for what I did, that I just want to die. Maybe he is right and I am really crazy. I hate myself so much when I do this to him and I hate him for provoking me and blocking me in a room so that I can't get away. He's a big guy and it's not like I can make him move. What can I do to make him forgive me for scratching him? What can I do to make sure I never do this again? Please help, I really am sick over it all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2017): Hi, i am in the exact situation as you. I know you posted this years ago but how are things now? I am a newly wed and my husband and I go through this cycle that you described often. He provokes me to get a rise out of me and it works every time. When I ask him to leave to give me space, he blocks the doorway or doesn’t let me leave. He knows how to push my buttons to the limit to where I become psycho and then I come looking like the mean B. I warn him that I’m aboit to flip my lid and he clearly sees when my blood is boiling but he just stays there like he wants me to lose it. I want to see a professional counselor so someone else can give me insight on my situation. Let me know how things are going w you and if you have any advice on what I should do. Thanks.
A
female
reader, revelation +, writes (12 December 2012):
I have been married for 20 yrs and I go through the same things, What is really terrible My husband accuses me of guys on the job or talk about me being whore with guys.. when I was a teenager. The most sad things about this Is I have never had more than one boyfriend at a time and I never committed adultry and I am not a flirt.So when he go at me like this I just want to smack his face and make him shut up I have become so bitter with this man I just want to walk away.
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A
female
reader, JK8833 +, writes (30 March 2010):
JK8833 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the anonymous female reader, thank you. You gave me some things to think about. Ours is an abusive relationship, and although I love him things must change in both of us for this to work. He is a bully and always has been. When I scratched him it was when he was holding me down so that I was unable to leave while he tormented me about the dog. When I scratched him he became so angry with me and called me a child for acting out. All while continuing to pin me down. Not what I would call a mature act. I know I shouldn't have scratched him, and that it's never ok to hurt someone but a person can only take so much. He has got to learn to respect me and my boundaries. I know when he gets mad or upset I do not continue to pester him because I know he will blow and probably knock the crap out of me. I retreat and give him space. I only ask that he does the same for me. You helped me to see that he is also in the wrong and that if our marriage is going to work then he needs to go to counseling too and learn to control his bullying.
To the anonymous male reader: really??? I was/am obviously sorry. I didn't need you to make me feel worse about it. My husband is a body builder and outweighs me by about 60 lbs. He had me pinned down and was tormenting me. It was my way of fighting to get free and clear of the situation. I am not saying it was right to scratch him but there was abuse on both sides. Your judgement is not at all helpful.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2010): your husband is the victim of domestic abuse and you are the abuser. What ever he may have said does not entitle you to commit a violent act against him. Most abusers become more violent as time goes on so I think your husband should be talking to the police. I know I would be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): Your husband needs to grow up. His guise of teaching you self control by provoking you is bull. You might have been an only child but that doesn't mean that you didn't learn to control yourself. If anything, children with siblings are the more aggressive bunch because they have to "fight" for attention and their place in the family. It sounds like he is provoking you the same way he might have been provoked when he was a kid. Yes, you did become physical with him but that was after attempts to redirect the situation another way (and THAT is SELF CONTROL). Your husband is a bully.
You state that you keep your cool with kids ( and I know kids can wear your patience!!), and that your family is shocked to hear how angry you get? That tells me that you are not a person with anger issues, nor have ever had anger issues.
You are already in counseling because you do not want to become physical with him. You are taking responsibility for your actions and trying to correct them. However, your counseling will be for nothing unless he joins you, because as you stated, you only get physical with him. Your husband is not taking responsibility for HIS actions. He strikes me as the type of guy that thinks he does no wrong, that you are the "crazy" one; and you attending counseling affirms his opinion.
People act the way they do when they are treated a certain way. I'm going to guess that you would never have said those "mean words" to another person so quickly- that he is making you snap quicker because of your history together. I can bet that I'm right about that ;)
You are not crazy and you should NOT take even 1/4 the blame for this! If he does not change his behavior it will lead to bitterness/anger from you, if it hasn't already.
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