A
male
age
41-50,
*he_spiritseeker
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years; working on 5. We dated and spend time together (and still do), slip sweet (and sometimes spicy) notes into each others wallet/purse to be found at the most inappropriate times (lol), and even stayed over night at each other's places enough to get 2 toothbrushes and extra clothes for both places.We decided to take the next step and moved in to an apartment together. Everything was going great until she dropped a bomb: "I really, really do love you, but I think we need to just be roommates." Ouch. Kick to the stomach here. No timeline, no deadline, and that was the end of the conversation. Since then, she has been sleeping on the couch almost every night, or she will come to bed with me for a few hours; then it's back to the couch. Sometimes, I come out and she wants me to sleep on the couch with her. We tried getting a new mattress, and she loves it; but still sleeps on the couch more than not. Our sex life has slowed way down, but we expected it, and both of us have been working to improve it.We have talked 'heart-to-heart' about a lot of things, and we have all the signs that we want to be together. She loves cuddling, being close, and generally being with me as much as I do, but when it comes to talking about our relationship and our futures, that's where she ends the conversation and she shuts me out for the rest of the night. No touching, gets angry, and hardly says anything the rest of the night. She rarely holds it against me the next day though; but she avoids to talk about it like it is the plague. We have talked about marriage before, and I already have credit tied up to help take the next step before she dropped her reverberating roommate speech. The 'lets just be roommates' thing raises the same red flag as 'lets just be friends' in my head but it's at half mast; I think she is dodging the 'I don't want to be with you' hint that 'lets just be friends' has. I did try to ask her to marry me once about a year before we moved in together, but she cut me off and said 'Don't. I don't know how to answer that.' before I even got to do my part. We're going on 5 years steady; no indications that she is cheating, and I love her too much to want to meet someone else at this point.If she loves me, shares the same goals in life, wants to be with me, and doesn't want to lose me, why did she decide to 'sit on the fence' about our relationship? Am I over-thinking this?
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (9 June 2010):
 Eloquently said, q.
Correction to my first post: "I don't OFFER this up lightly"
Note to OP: I believe the sort of tactic you're facing is decidedly Passive/Aggressive. It's a means to an end. "let's just be friends" is a generic code phrase for: "I am no longer entertaining the idea of any intimate dealings with you, I want to avoid a huge knock-down drag-out confrontation over this so let's just quietly back away and I'll sleep on the couch until such time as you get tired of it and move along and I'll pursue the new object of my interest without any unpleasantness from you. P/A's seek to avoid confrontation on virtually every level. Point-blank confrontation usually results in the Armadillo posture, bear that in mind.
Only you know all the details and pertinent facts but the writing is on wall, I fear. I'm not suggesting that she's already done the deed and hopped in the sack with someone else, but that's very likely the next step. Sudden distancing with no concrete evidence or reasoning is a major symptom. At least you're not dealing with a known cheater...yet. Just remain situationally aware and observe. We could be wrong I hope we are, for your sake.
A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (9 June 2010):
I don't think you're over thinking here at all. In fact you have every right to feel blind-sided and slapped right upside your head.
I show no hesitation in translating the dreaded Man Code and so to be fair I cannot hesitate to translate the nefarious Woman Code either. So here goes: I'd bet the farm on this ,too: "Let's just be friends" or room mates or whatever other term that denotes refraining from intimacy usually translates as: there's someone else I'm interested in and it's not you.
I'm reasonably certain this isn't what you want to hear and believe me, I don't it up lightly. But that's usually the case. All the symptoms seem to be present from your description. Some women work like your girl, not all but some do.
Please note, Poster. I'm offering you an honest answer. I'm not known for sugar-coated or soothing lies. With any luck, I'm wrong. Were I in your shoes, I'd play out some line and see where it goes. These things usually show themselves soon enough. I wish you the best.
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