A
female
age
51-59,
*lycasnme
writes:My husband and I have 3 children together. He is great with our 12 year old daughter and our 5 year old son but is very mean to our 15 year old daughter. Let me also say that our 15 yr old has a big time attitude as well. They clash big time with each other. He tells her to do something, she gets an attitude. She will do it but with sassiness. She is generally a good kid though. She doesnt smoke, drink, do drugs. She doesnt cut school, doesnt sneak out and she gets average grades in school. Where I'm stuck is he sometimes get so pissed at her that he will backhand her in the face. Sometimes without any provoking from her. If he gets in a bad mood over something that has nothing to do with her, he always takes it out on her. I dont know what to do. I am 37 years old and have been with him since I was 17. My kids are my first priority and I just dont know if I should leave him or not.
View related questions:
drugs Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): I was in your daughters position and yes it is damaging, only difference was it was my mother that used to do it, for absolutely no reason or for little or nothing. I am 24 yrs old and have a very strained relationship with her, but I recently discovered that she is unwell and suffers from severe depression and for many years it went untreated and she had no medication,
however we now think it may actually be bi-polar which is difficult to diagnose. symptoms are an extreme high or extreme low, there is no balance. So you should discuss this with your husband, and tell him to cooperate and get help or you will have to leave for your daughters sake. It can be very difficult living with somebody like this and only the people that have to live with that person know how hard it is.
It does sound like he needs help so support him, bacause it is a sickness,but only if he is willing to get help. Once he is on medication to control his moods he will be a totally different person.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010): This WILL effect your daughter in the future if your husband continues to slap her. You need to STOP it. If he refuses then you have too leave. Your teaching your daughter that men hit women and it is okay. Stop it now.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): Dear lady
always remember she is his daughetr too. Only reason he is acting tough to his daughter is because he wants to make sure the she also gets improved. his methods may be harsh, but it is quite normal.
I do not understand, in these situation, what is idea of leaving your DH?. and make the situation worse for ever to all 4 lives and even 10 -11 more people who becomes future husband of yours and his wife and your in laws and his in laws and your daughter and your future step kids and his future step kids and so on...
My take is practical so you and every one will be much happier by giving him some time. Obviously girl is growing and after some time situation will change for every one.
My feeling is that you should support your DH to get what you and he both wants. Obviously you both want your daughter to be good and secure her future after you are older. Methods may be questioned, but intentions are good. so you and he need some patience and some refinement.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 Your daughter is being physically abused by your husband.You should be firmed with your husband and no more physical abuses.
Talk to your daughter about toning down her attitude. You need to stand on your daughter's side.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): I'm 27 now. My dad and I no longer have contact since 2005 when I was 23. He very much did the same thing to me your husband is doing to your daughter. My mom tried to stand up for me, but nothing changed. He treated my brothers very well, but took out his own frustrations on me.
What did the emotional abuse & hitting from my teenage years teach me??
That love is painful. That when a man loves you he gets angry and might hit you.
I ended up in an 8 year relationship that was abusive.
Do you want this for your daughter?
Only now in my mid 20's am I figuring thing out for myself. I have a great career, but poor self-esteem and alot of hurt feelings and memories from the past.
Let your husband read this. He is damaging her in so many ways. The first being in how she will let men treat her in the future.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 The third option is to put your foot down and say enough is enough. Tell your husband no more!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): If you don't want your daughter to be completely f'ed-up for the rest of her life you should do something. If your husband (or whatever) does this to her, and there is a general thought/attitude that its ok, then she will think its okay for anyone to abuse her. She won't recover from this mentally for quite some time. It may be too late.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): leave him, he could be backhanding now and could get worse later. If you do leave him and she has any marks from him take a picture so you have proof in court it will help with custody. But if you dont leave him warn him that he can not do that and if she does some thing bad say that im the one who desides how to deal with it.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (9 June 2010):
Talk to your daughter about this.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (8 June 2010):
 This is a common clash, teenagers can be difficult, rude and moody, and stubbon as they fight to find their place in the world and find their own values...
Very, very challenging for adults who are sure of their own values, have knowledge and experience, and assume they know a hell of a lot more than some moody, know it all kid..
As you can see, and you probably remember from your own past, it's a recipie hot for disaster..
FIRST RULE.. NO MORE HITTING.. Nobody hit's nobody, your daughter is much to old now, and she may turn round and take a knife to him.. You need to tell him that you refuse to allow him to knock your daughter like a dog.. plus it is dangerous, he's doing this in anger.. It's no longer about proper parental discipline, he's angry and he wants to get his own way so he uses violence.. You must stand up and protect her.. do not allow him to keep hitting her..
Secondly, she is now growing to become a young adult.. she will no longer follow your rules blindly but will expect everything to be negotiated and discussed... this is fair.. I suggest you, her and her father come together and write down some rules... tell her what you think is fair, and allow her to tell you what she thinks is fair.. try to meet halfway, have some compromise... I know you want the best for her, but if you don't become more flexible then things will get worse and her relationship with you could be badly damaged...
THE HITTING HAS TO STOP.. your younger children can see all this, what must they be thinking of their dad.. He may be good with them, but a man who is violent is also frightening.. they may begin to worry that he will behave like that with them when they get older...
1. Stop hitting
2. Family conference where new shared and agreed rules are discussed
3. Put new rules down on paper, everyone signs, and create some reasonable penalities for anyone who breaks the rules, be it teenager or parent.. teenagers need to see things are fair.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): You have do to something you can't continue to let this happen. Your daughter is learning that is ok for her to hit, is that what you want?
...............................
A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (8 June 2010):
 Your kids should be your priority and remember that your kids need you to help them, to guide them and to protect him. Your husband is a grown man and can take care of himself but your kids need you.
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (8 June 2010):
 You must stand up for your daughter. Ask him what kind of example he thinks he's setting, showing her that an adult can take out their frustration on someone weaker. He sounds like he needs anger management counselling. Tell him that physical abuse is something you will not tolerate under your roof.
Attitude goes with that age. Nevertheless, provided your husband is willing to change, it wouldn't hurt to chat with your daughter.
You're absolutely right that your kids must come first. Leaving should be a last resort, but definitely an option if he doesn't change.
...............................
|
