A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need a man's perspective on an issue. Me and my fiance have a healthy sex life. I, unlike some women, have a sex drive (I'm not a slut, I am very faithful to him). I try to keep things interesting in the bedroom and I never refuse him when he wants it, unless there are serious time restraints. I want to be available to him when he needs me because I love him and want him to be fulfilled.My fiance has battled with porn addiction in the past (some time before we were together). For the most part, I understand porn addiction and am not overly judgmental; I too have battled with porn related problems. However, my fiance just revealed to me yesterday that he is still tempted to look at porn everyday. He hasn't done it, but it is often on his mind. I honestly don't get that. Why does he desire to look at that when he can have me whenever he wants? Besides our sex life, we have a great relationship. We have minor struggles but we always work things out. Why does he feel so tempted to look at other women? Why am I not enough for him? Can someone please help me to understand.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2010): I look at porn for learning. Some of the best positions we've ever tried was because I (or my girl) was looking at porn. I'll watch how a guy is trusting a girl in porn and then try it. As a matter of fact, I started using a motion I saw in a porno and my girl absolutely loves it. It stimulates her gspot and her clit at the same time. She literally has 30 second orgasms using this motion combined with a particular position (I'm only 6 and 3/4 inches too). Would have never found it if I wasn't watching porn. I dont watch porn to fantasize, I watch it for pointers and new ideas. Does he try new things after watching them? Maybe sit down together and watch some and then you can both say, "hey lets try that", or "no lets not try that." If he's says, "No I dont want to watch it with you," then it's about fantasizing with being with other women.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2010): men are very visual beings, so do not take it personal. It has nothing to do with you or your sex life. Many woman cannot understand this. What I suggest you probably will not appreciate, making him feel guilty over something that nature bestows on us will not benefit your marriage what so ever. What you should do is consider joining him, have some fun with it. Surprise him and rent a couple oriented xxx movie. Go on the internet and find each other sexy pictures. In other words don't be a prude and have a little fun, you might actually enjoy it yourself. maybe it isn't him with the problem, maybe it is your insecurities.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (30 April 2010):
 I think it's really healthy and good that he's telling you this. Porn truly can be addictive and the fact that he's owning up to the fact that he was addicted and is still tempted and such is a REALLY good sign for both of you. You should encourage him to talk to you or a therapist about his problems and NOT get angry. If he's not doing it, then that's good. Unfortunately he will probably always get the urges. I disagree with the men who say, well it's a healthy outlet for fantasy and harmless. One, it's not harmless if it's hurting the woman they care about regardless of what goes through their head. Two, it's not harmless when a man is as you say, addicted, which is far more prevalent than many choose to admit. It's good your man is being so honest with you. I'm sorry it hurts you that he still thinks about it, but a smoker will always want a cigarette when they smell one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2010): I disagree with many of the posters. I think that if two people are in a committed relationship then porn should not be needed. Women allow it to be okay because men have made women believe that it is. It shouldnt be that way...if I found out my SO was looking at porn I would be very upset. Its fine if they want to look at it together and AGREE, or watch it or whatever but where are the boundaries? If it is something you do not feel comfortable with him doing then tell him, he should respect you. I know exactly what you mean about not feeling like your good enough. That is how I would feel too! So basically I am not able to answer your questions because I am in the same boat as you. It is obvious that he loves and cares for you dearly if he does not look at it even with the severe temptation.
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A
male
reader, CkritAgentMan +, writes (29 April 2010):
If your man DOES have an honest, known addiction to porn then that is one thing and professional help IS needed.
But for the general population, it's just "a guy thing". We are wired to be visual. Women are wired to be pyschological. Like the old saying, "A man's biggest sex organ is between his legs, a ladies is between her ears!" It's not our fault anymore than it's you ladies fault, it just is what it is. Like the comedian said, "Once us guys have seen one set of boobs we pretty much... want to see ALL of them!" That's funny and overly simple BUT very very very much true.
My wife knows I look at other women and honestly I know she on occasion enjoys/admires a good looking guy. As long as that's where it starts and ends then "no harm, no foul". As long as hands on loving is kept in the marriage between each other then don't worry to much about who initiated anything. Now having said that, if it reaches a point where porn becomes a CONSTANT for any intimacy then it HAS become a problem. If your guy can't get excited and ready for you without first flippin it on Cinemax at night or pops in Debby Does Dallas, then you might need to be concerned. Otherwise if he occasionally asks you to put on a certain outfit, or wear this wig, or go out into the garage atop the car or... just enjoy the different scene and learn to enjoy it yourself.
Honestly my wife doesn't always like porn. Occasionally she'll flip the TV off during sex. Sometimes she turns music on. Sometimes she leaves it wherever it is (the Weather Channel is NOT sexy but who cares when your lovely is boinkin your brains out?) Sometimes she'll turn the silly adult shows off that I sometimes watch on the upper cable channels. But alas, sometimes she snuggles up and watches them with me and gets just as hot and bothered as she ever has.
As long as the two of you own it and it doesn't own you, it can be part of the excitement,
CAM
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): Porn is certainly better than cheating. You should be happy that your man is so open with you.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (29 April 2010):
 There are a certain percentage of men out there that fantasize about having sex with many different women. The key word here is "fantasy". As in NOT real. Some might say it's a primal instinct, some thing it's just a typical guy... but the bottom line is that desire is there.
But please don't confuse this for saying "All guys want to have sex with other women or cheat" because that is NOT the case. Fantasizing and actually following through with that desire are two totally different things. Good men don't cheat, but good men can fantasize.
Porn can be a man's way of living out that fantasy. It kind of gets it out of his system, so to speak. This doesn't mean he doesn't love his wife/gf or doesn't like having sex with her. And I know a women's first reaction is "Why does he do it when he can get it whenever he wants from me?" but it's not that simple. The deep down desire is about something different then what he has.
All of this isn't supposed to make you (women) feel better. I can understand you feeling threatened or jealous of porn. You just asked for an explanation. I would also like to add that this is not an excuse for porn addiction. When watching porn takes over your life and becomes more important than your wife or girlfriend, THAT is a bad thing.
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A
male
reader, zedd +, writes (29 April 2010):
So what are you worried about? Porn is just porn. It doesn't mean you're not enough for him, guys watch it because they like to watch it but that doesn't mean they fall in love with a porn actress and leave their significant other for them. They don't look at them the way they look at "real" women.
There's a difference between simple sexual arousal and love, he loves you and you love him and this is what really matters.
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female
reader, williams3  +, writes (29 April 2010):
hi there, men have sex on the brain all the time, thats why they tend to look at porn cause all them sex vids of women he knows he will never have cause he has you, i wouldn worry as every man does this my bf does it now and again but its me he has sex with not anyone else, its you he goes to bed to and you he is in love with, these women in the porn industry dont mean nothing to him its just something that he does, and if he wasnt happy with you im sure he would have told you by now, as long as your relationship and sex life stay health you have nothing to worry about x
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