A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my ex just over a year ago now, we were together for 5 years before that and I miss him all the time. He had an emotional affair and wanted 'a break', which made me question everything after 5 years of being together, so I told him that it was best that we broke up because obviously he wasn't happy in the relationship anymore and had found someone else. Before getting real with him and telling him how I felt, we were on a break for about a month. But when I finally told him I was leaving the relationship because I felt it was the right thing for me to do, he begged me to stay and said that he had made a big mistake and realized that I was the one he wanted to be with. However, I stood my ground because I was hurt by his actions and all the trust was gone. Although I always did question if I did the right thing. Then a month after we broke up, he was dating the girl he had had an emotional affair with while we were together and what had in the end caused our breakup. When they first started dating, my ex would call me up to talk because he missed me and felt horrible etc, yet he was dating her. It was messed up, so I quickly stopped that. We didn't talk to each other for months after that until I accidently ran into him and her about 5 months later, I just said hi and keep going but that caused him to later email me. He told me in his email that he had made a mistake and that he regrets the way things turned out. We emailed a bit back and forth, in the last email, I told him I still loved him but said it was best we stopped emailing so we did. That was 6 months ago now and I haven't heard from him since. He is now living with his girlfriend (the same one) and has probably finally moved on I suppose.. Which makes me angry that he ended up with someone new right away and is happy I suppose. I have dated quite a few guys in the past year but no one has come close to being someone I can see myself with and it makes me miss my ex. Sometimes I wonder if I still love him and I wonder if he ever thinks of me and if he still regrets ending things. It's almost like I don't want to move on because nothing has worked out for me in the dating world. I miss him and wonder if we would be engaged if things had never gone wrong like they did 1 year ago... Now he'll probably marry the girl he cheated on me with and I'll have missed out on a great guy. Maybe I should have forgiven him and not pushed him out of my life. It just still hurts, I miss him all the time and always wonder what if? How do I come to terms with everything and move forward with my life? Why does he get to be happy and in a relationship and I am still alone?
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (1 October 2011):
You did the right thing of not getting back together with him. He is one very confused individual, he doesn't know what he wants and seems unable to sort out his feelings. One minute he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you but would rather be with somoene else, then next minute it's the other way round. Then when you break up/reject him he's "happy" to be with her again even though a moment earlier he was begging you to take him back...he doesn't know what he wants, his feelings and thoughts are all over the map. He's emotionally unstable. It's better that you're not in a relationship with him because this spells trouble. If he hadn't cheated on you now and set this whole mess in motion, it would have happened sooner or later. So at least you haven't wasted more time with him.don't be so sure that his life is all happy and rosy now just because they've living together. Read the above - he's a confused individual who doesn't know what he wants and he's shown that he can flip flop at the drop of a hat. their relationship is pretty shaky if you ask me. whether or not his new girlfriend is aware of this, who knows...just concentrate on living your life, and try not to think about what he is and isn't doing or thinking. If you find yourself inevitably thinking about him or comparing your life to his, just remember the above and how confused he is no matter who he's with. He's probably driving himself nuts and eventually his current partner as well.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2011): Hon, don't worry, you did the right thing of ending things with him. Look at what happened:- he cheated on you while he was in a relationship with you. This alone is reason to leave him for good. If he did it once, he could very well do it again. If you were engaged now, or even if you got married further down the road, that doesn't change his underlying character it just means you would have been shielded from it for longer that's all. it would be worse if you found out later on that he was cheating on you once you've got more invested into him (like marriage and kids and finances)- he's the one who wanted the 'break' in the first place, he was not 100% sure of being in a relationship with you. He only begged to be taken back when you had the courage to protect yourself and end things with him. This shows that he didn't truly want to be in a relationship with you, he only wanted not to lose something in case he was missing out.- he's the kind of person who's never happy with what he has no matter what, he's always second guessing his own choices. His new gf doesn't have it better than you just cos he's with her now. After you two broke up and he was with her, he turned tail on her briefly trying to get back with you. This sucks big time for her, maybe she doesn't even know it, poor woman. just as he had cheated on you with her, now he was trying to cheat on her with you. (Good for you for not allowing yourself to get dragged down like that.) It shows that their relationship is not strong, with him being like this!! this behavior shows the kind of person he is, who will never stick with one choice and thus his new gf is to be pitied. even though he's with her now, she doesn't truly "have" him, he will probably turn tail on her and cheat on her sooner or later or leave her. If he was still with you, he'd sooner or later show his true colors which is this.so don't feel bad because he's supposedly happily settled down and you're not. He may appear settled but I doubt it's a happy house. he's probably been second guessing himself again - I don't think people can squelch their doubts and find peace just like that. his relationship has a shaky foundation if he was trying to turn tail on her so early on and trying to cheat on her.you did not lose out on a great partner and relationship. Don't regret what 'could have been' if you'd taken him back. He showed his true colors. You saved yourself from what could have been far worse heartache.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 October 2011):
 First, you don't know if he is happy. Your ex seems the kind of guy who tends to get stuck into situations and has trouble letting go- think about your break, it was not so clean and final, there's been a long preparation phase, and several misgivings and attempts of communication with you later.. So, for all you know he could be tired of this girl and not ready/able to let her go.
Second, I think you have nothing to regret. The "what if " game is always futile, because what is done is done , life moves forward not backward. But, no, very probably , if you had given him a second chance when he asked you, now you'd still be in the situation you are - you'd have broken up anyway, just a few months later.
Because you have to think what had already happened before- he had been emotionally cheating, i.e. had gotten a crush for another girl. That does not happen in a vacuum, it means he had ALREADY pulled out his emotional energy from your relationship. When you are in love with girl A, you simply can't fall in love with girl B. It's not that you are blissfully happy with girl A, and, voila , all of a sudden girl B shows up, and she's is so superior fantastic outstanding that you feel zapped by lightning and mesmerized. It's the other way around- to be attracted to someone new, it means you have ALREADY cleared in your heart mind and senses a space that waits to be filled, and it's just a matter of time before someone comes around to claim that space. I think that, even if apparently everything was normal and fine between you, he was already detaching himself emotionally from you and / or feeling a void, an absence of something in your relationship, that he was waiting for someone else to fill.
Conclusion, if it would not have been this girl, it would probably have been another one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2011): It sucks doesn't it, him being happy when he made you unhappy?I do think you did the right thing ending it though, this girl clearly means something to him and them being together proves it.Doesnt mean it will last though, as its a bit of a rebound situation isnt it.I wouldn't worry too much about the past, you just have to learn and move on. Your not 100% over him which is probably why you haven't found somebody new.You will have had good times with your Ex,he knows this too, but eventually, when your ready emotionally, you will find somebody new and give them a chance.Some of us can get over a man in a short time but for others it takes longer, at least your out there dating and getting on with your life.Just give it time.
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