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age
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*oolishheart
writes:Why does my daughter love this man? My daughter is a beautiful 23 yr old talented woman ,voice that mimics the likes of Christina,Beyonce.Dating a man 35yrs old,who from the begining of their 9 month relationship has created nothing but drama and dishonesty.At first interaction this man has an amazing outgoing personality.Lets start with the lying 3 months into their relationship his ex gave birth to his son , my daughter spent many sleepless crying nights because baby mamma was able to track down my daughter and confirm what my daughter was suspecious of that her boyfriend was seeing both of them and playing them both fools.(His reply the ex is crazy)Ironicaly the times when his ex would say she was with him his phone was shut off and he was not home.He also stole money from my daughters ATM but told her he would pay her back.Currently she is having finacial problems due to the economy and is searching and furthering her education to improve that.At a bar where he is a bouncer she won a singing contest she never saw the winnings he"Didn't think she,d mind he took his father out to eat with it."He has a gambling adiction frequents scratch offs (once told her "look what someone left in the machine a stack of lottery scratch offs")When he brings her to the casino and hes lost his money he uses her winnings untill they are gone too and tells her "It was the casino money not yours."If he wins she never sees any of it.My daughter is barly home and has moved most of her clothing to his place.His other job he works for his fathers auto parts store delivering parts,his mother is in charge of utilizing his salary to pay the bills because of his irresposiblity.My daghter has even witnessed him lie to his parents via telephone conversation pretending he was at work,using academy award acting,sound effects , he was really lounging around at home. They hardly have food in the home , my daughter has lost so much weight she told a time when she bought a stromboli for 2, was taking a shower smelled it cooking thought he was making it for them , he ate the whole thing and left nothing for her.I beg my daughter to come home,I can't sleep.I worry so much about her.By the way most people who know him say they do not like him incuding his childhood friend who told my daughter if you want to know the truth about him ask my wife.
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reader, Foolishheart +, writes (19 March 2012):
Foolishheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for responding your advice was appreciated.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): All too often, people who are in love will selectively ignore any bad things about their significant other. Any minor bit of trouble will automatically be seen as just a bump in the road.
This is not really a problem in a normal functional relationship - but in the case of dysfunctional relationships and one-sided love, this can be a really bad thing.
In those cases, people end up clinging to an ideal image of the person they love. They will keep on believing that the scumbag who's mistreating them really is the Prince Charming they fell in love with, that all the bad things are just bumps in the road, and that everything's going to be allright in the end.
People who do this are literally deluding themselves. Their love is feeding a delusion, and that delusion is preventing them from realizing just what's going on and how this person is hurting them.
It's even worse if they also end up blaming themselves for their relationship's problems, or if the person they love ends up using them.
And from what you've told, I'd say that this is exactly what's happening to your daughter.
She's 23, an age at which a lot of people still are somewhat naive and inexperienced. She was swept off her feet by a much older man who's great at making first impressions. She starts dating him, develops strong feelings for him. And then he gradually turns out to be an irresponsible scumbag with a slew of problems.
But her love ends up blinding her to things that she should be running away from *fast*, and she sticks with him in spite of the fact that he burdens her with his problems and that he's blatantly using her.
And the fact that your daughter pretty much moved in with this man is a really bad sign, too - either she's still thinking that she can turn this into a functional relationship, or he's pressuring her to do this.
But either way, you are quite right that your daughter needs to get out of this relationship ASAP. Relationships like this never end with the guy suddendly changing his whole behaviour and becoming caring & responsible - they only end in abuse and misery.
Your daughter needs to snap out of this 'love' and realize that this sort of thing can ruin her life. Whatever good things she's getting from this relationship, it's not worth the debts, the gambling problems, and the callous treatment she's getting out of it.
I reckon that you've already tried to confront her about this a few times. The only thing I can advise is to get together with other friends of hers and people like that childhood friend of that guy, and carefully keep confronting her about the bad things in her relationship.
It might also help if you could get her to read the story of a woman whose life was ruined in a similar way. People often don't really recognize the abuse they're going through - until they see the exact same thing happen in someone else, and are forced to realize that, yes, this is happening to *them* as well.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (15 March 2012):
 Hunni, I dont think that there is anything you can do to get your daughter to come home.
Think this is going to have to be a tough love situation, tell her how you feel and tell her that when he finally does dump her, you will be there for her.
Unfortunately she has to learn for herself that this relationship is toxic and she is the one who is getting hurt in the process.
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