A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend told me the other day that I'm not as much fun as he wishes I was. We go out to concerts, dinners, the occasional movie, and do things with our kids. He will usually have ideas of ways we can entertain our kids, but when it comes to doing things alone, he usually says he doesn't have time to plan things. So I do. I don't mind doing it. We have gone on a wine tour ( I'm the one who likes the wine, but we DID hit a brewery and I tried all the beer and got a little drunk :) ) I have treated him to watching his favorite pro football team play at their home stadium, and a vacation that my friends invited us on. I have done things with him and his friends that he gets invited to such as a concert, dinner and drinks at the bar, drinks and pub games with his friends, etc. I am very willing to do what he likes. I have fun doing these things, have told him so and am very willing to do them again. The problem is, sometimes he doesn't tell me that we got invited. After the event is over, he will tell me that he didn't tell me about it because I don't like his friends???!!! What?!?! If I am interested in a concert or movie, I will usually ask if he's available, wants to go, and will pay for it and we will go together. I feel as though if there is something he wants to do, he should let me know in the same manner as I cannot read minds and have different taste in music. I don't listen to the same radio station as he does, so I don't hear about the concerts pertaining to "his" type of music. So recently while telling me that I'm no fun, he gave me an example which is as follows: He has always wanted to have some fun repartee by doing things such as "flicking" the back of my head and/or smacking me in the back of my head the way he and his teenage son do to each other!!!!!! He DID say that he would never do it as hard as the two of them do it. (Sweet, I know.) He claims the reason that he doesn't flick me or smack me is because he believes that I would not take it in a joking manner…therefore, I am not a fun person. In my opinion, this is crazy! I don't even know what to say about it. I have never in my 40-some odd years have had a man complain that I'm no fun. And I don't know a single adult person that longs for such "fun". I'm sure there are plenty of 14 year old boys that would have a great time twisting each others nipples and whipping each other with a wet towel, but adults? And adult women? Why does this guy want me to act like a 14 year old boy?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 May 2014):
 Yeah I will do a lot of reading between the lines too, and I'll probably be off the mark- it's just a hunch I have. Because , either your BF is a lost cause with the mental age of his child, or, he did not mean LITERALLY that he wanted to smack your head or whip you with a wet towel. It was just an example to stress a difference in your personalities.
I think he means that you are somewhat uptight, that you don't have a playful vein in you. I am sure that you can enjoy yourself and have fun doing interesting stuff, as you just explained, .. but, can you totally lose yourself into the moment, like a child would do, can you be spontaneous and unaware of how would you be perceived, and totally abandoned and un-self conscious ?... maybe you lack that dimension , and he has it, or likes it. I'll try to explain with a personal example :
- my tastes and passtimes are generally " mature " and sedate. For fun... I will listen to Mozart, read Jane Austen, play whist... not a barrel of laughs , right ? wrong. I have a childish ,goofy streak, which I do not cultivate on purpose , but I let happily emerge if needs be. Like, I don't go purposely looking for karaoke nights, but, if I happen to find myself there with other friends, I do not mind to make a total fool of myself belting out my best rendition of Natural woman or Piece of my heart ( and even my best rendition is very terrible ! )
Or... the Rocky Horror ? .. there's nothing I like more than yelling : " Janet- Bitch ! " with the best of them.
Basically, I OCCASIONALLY like to play, I don't mind if I look silly, awkward, too old too fat too whatever, if my mascara will run or my hair will get messed up.
My sister , instead, is the opposite, it's not that she does not have a sense of humour, she has a very keen, dry, British one, and can be very witty in " dignified " circumstances, but she won't do anything goofy or juvenile at gun point, she even refused to dress up for an Halloween party where her BOSSES were all in costumes.
I think maybe your bf was just saying " loosen up .Let your inner child come out and play , at times ".
Again, I don't know, ...but I hope this is the case, if he literally meant that he wants to smack the back of your head, he can't be much of a joy to be around...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): I'm giving your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt - a LOT of it - and reading between the lines. Obviously, it would be very ,very easy to just think the guy's an immature idiot BUT...
It could be that a. he's not very good at expressing things in language. When he is talking to you about 'fun', I think he may actually mean spontaneity and intimacy. Not sexual intimacy as such, just that he wants to feel relaxed enough with you to play fight and so on. I don't think he can actually describe this very well and it may be coming out a bit wrong - the example he's given of flicking the back of your head is a form of playfighting - again, with the benefit of the doubt.
Relatedly, when he says that he doesn't invite you to events involving his friends because you don't like them - it's all coming out wrong again. If you've never done anything to indicate you don't like them, then this could be his way of saying that he simply doesn't feel relaxed enough with you and with them at the same time.
It's not ANYTHING that you are doing wrong. But, again, with the benefit of the doubt, it could be that he needs to feel that you are accepting him more just on his own terms. I'm sure he likes all the stuff that you organise to do, but I know from experience that this can also send out a slightly formal or controlling message at the same time as being fun. He will go along with it because he likes it, but it also subliminally sends a message of being controlled, one that he may not even be aware of. It actually sounds like he has a little bit of a problem in just feeling accepted and loved and allowed to basically be an idiot for a while, without worrying that he will get rejected. It sounds like he is somehow asking to 'lose control' with you, even for a few moments. OR he could just be an idiot.
I know it's easy to say he's immature etc etc, but very often guys simply need to know that they are allowed to behave like absolute idiots - as long as no one gets hurt - now and again and that you will accept them - weirdly enough, as soon as you do this, the more manly they seem to then become. I don't know exactly why, but it often works that way. It's a bit like the male equivalent of us just HAVING to gossip about 'nonsense' with female friends, or just HAVING to spend ages out shopping but buying absolutely nothing. It can be a form of down time.
But that's all said in hope that he is not simply an idiot who really cannot relate to women at all. Might be worth finding out. Try play-fighting, see how he responds, call time out if he starts really smacking your head etc etc.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 May 2014):
 Has he been watching to much NCIS? Doe he think he is Gibbs?
Seriously? flick or smack the back of your head? You should want that? WTF is wrong with him?
I'd tell him to grow up.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (11 May 2014):
 He wants you to act like a 14 year old because HE acts like a 14 year old.
Doing things like that with your kids is one thing, but on a night out with just the tow of you? Why doesn't he go the whole hog and buy you some dolls and bring his train set along?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): I would NEVER allow ANYONE to flick or smack the back of my head. That is utmost disrespectful and incredibly annoying. That is STRANGE IMO.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): Sounds strange to me to.- he sounds very critical in general and in relationships doesn't mean you have to like the same music , politics or anything else...- is he talking about intimate behaviour in a strange round about way?If I was you, I would get on with pleasing yourself a bit more and pleasing him less, as you seem to be giving a lot more than him and maybe it's time he becomes aware of that, rather than criticising you and taking you for granted. Perhaps he has just got used to you being so accommodating and maybe be more demanding and in a sense give him a kick up the backside !
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