A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid, My boyfriend has told me that the break up with his ex girlfriend who cheated still hurts him a lot. (It's been a year since they broke up). Could this mean he's still not over his ex? or is it just that he's not over the hurt it caused him? They were in a very serious relationship for two years, and I honestly think he thought she was the one for him, he was very much in love with her. And if she hadn't of cheated, I'm sure they would still be together to this day.They still have contact with each other sometimes, which unfortunately has started a couple of arguments with us because it just hurt me to know that he still wants to be friends with her. I just can't help but to think the worst. The whole situation just hurts me and worries me a lot. Why does my boyfriend still want to be friends with his ex...and could he still have feelings for her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): Because he doesn't realize what the connection is doing to you. You need someone who will value you and place you on a pedestal treatment.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 October 2013):
 Instead of fighting about it I would ask him straight out why he feels he still want/needs her in his life.
I think a LOT of people have the notion that they should control who their partner talks to and when. But I disagree. And here is why. I think that people NEED to be responsible for themselves and their relationship. Which means if they KNOW talking to a toxic ex is hurting their relationship they should BY THEMSELVES stop talking to the ex, not having to be told, you CAN NOT talk to her/him. There should also be trust in a relationship. You (general you) should be able to trust your partner to not only respect you, the relationship, but know what is OK and what is not OK.
I DO however think it's important to speak up if the contact (with an EX for example) makes a person uncomfortable and why.
If you have told him how it makes you feel and he is either ignoring you or shrugging it off, then he IS prioritizing being "friends" with her over being your BF.
If you have just told him, YOU can't talk to her, because it's wrong and because she hurt you in the past. Maybe he is reacting by KEEPING to talk to he, childish.
TALK to him, that is my advice. Not fight about it. Don't make HER the center of the relationship. But I would want to get to the bottom of WHY he feels the contact is still necessary. And I would tell him WHY it makes you feel less trusting of him.
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A
female
reader, Ladyhopeful  +, writes (3 October 2013):
I don't necessarily agree that ex' can't be friends. But I do believe this can only happen after you have moved on from one another romantically.
He has even made it clear to you that he isn't over what she did to him. If he had truely moved on from that, then he isn't ready for a relationship with anyone.
you might not like what I am about to say, but the way I see it is that the only reason he wants to stay friends with her, even after she cheated on him, is to be close to her and maybe have the chance to get back with her.
You either need to discuss this with him and make sure you know where you stand, or you need to end things straight away.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 October 2013):
 Let's be straight - if the breakup still hurts him, he's not over her. If he's still in contact with her, then he's not over her.
If he's not over her, then that is disloyal to you. If he's being disloyal to you, then you're wasting your time, life, and body to a guy who considers you second-best.
They *cannot* be in contact. For her to be an ex, means she is DISQUALIFIED from being friends. He can't pull the "I can have friends who are girls" discussion if there is a past romantic history. Past romantic histories means that there can and should never be contact while the two of you are together. If there is contact that he continues after you fight with him over it, that means he values her above you and does not respect you.
If he values contact with her over your feelings, then you need to dump him and drop contact with HIM.
End of story.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (3 October 2013):
 If he is in contact with a woman that betrayed him, its very possible that he still has feelings and there is a risk that they could hook up.
Clearly he is prepared to risk his relationship with you, or he would stop all contact.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 October 2013):
 What does he say when you ask him why he's trying to stay in contact with her?
And why are you in a relationship with a man you don't trust fully?
The pain presumably should have diminished with time and your tender ministrations….
Is the contact driven by him or is it just mutual friends or happenstance?
It's not sound good for this relationship, you don't trust him and that's not a healthy thing for the future. Are you able to consider breaking up?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): Hi there,
I don't think that the fact he's still hurting means that he's still in love with her. It can take a long time to get over being betrayed like that, sometimes never. You don't mention how serious your relationship is or how long you have been together, although it's obviously less than a year. If he spends a lot of time with her, or if he's always brooding over her, then I think you need to ask him if it's you that he wants to be with, or if he would take her back if she wanted to get back together. You deserve to know the truth, and you deserve to not be second best. But at the same time, I honestly believe that no-one has the right to ask their partner not to be friends with others unless they are being destructive.
Either way, you probably need to ask him for a little bit of reassurance as to why he's with you. I'm sure you will be pleasantly surprised. He wouldn't be in a relationship with you if he didn't want to be.
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