A
female
age
41-50,
*onfused4us
writes:Okay, I was with my boyfriend and father of my child for 3 years and he recently left May 1st, but its not the first time he has left. Everytime that hes left before he always come back home within a day to a couple weeks, confused, and depressed. And it was always out of nowhere that he would leave. I believe he is bipolar and has had a rough life. His mom walked out on him when he was 10 and didnt come back until he was 17. And his dad beat him every day, so I am trying to figure out if his parents past behavior could be a reason why he leaves just about every 6 months and bounces around places until he gets really depressed and comes home sad. I LOVE him with all my heart and KNOW he loves me just the same, but dont know why this keeps happening. Its been 17 days since he left this time, and I want to know why he does it? He isnt with anybody else, but thats not my fear. What is going on in his head?
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female
reader, confused4us +, writes (18 May 2010):
confused4us is verified as being by the original poster of the question Yea, I see where everyone is coming from, and yes, i do know that he has done hard drugs after he's left. When home, hes not in any trouble, and is the best father EVER! When hes left, each time, hes gotten so drunk and messed up that hes done stupid things and had the police called on him everytime. He really doesnt talk about what he did when he comes back. Its as if he is ashamed of it. He actually told me back around Christmas that he doesnt know why hes left repeatedly. He said he knows that he loves me to death, and doesnt know why he leaves. I know he hasnt been seeing any other woman, but his behavior when he is gone is somebody I dont know. Completely different person. I havent really talked to him since he left May 1st, and I really dont want to try. If he decides hes ready to come home, then Ill have a long talk with him about my decision. I am not going to keep doing this. Hes the love of my life, but he needs to get help, plus his mother is always making things worse. She IS bipolar and has to be around him ALL teh time, no matter where he is. She has no steady home, car, or anything and bounces all over the place herself... so I am wondering if she may be a part of the problem as well.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): It sounds like you're really curious about figuring him out, and maybe you could do some more research on your own, but I think the more important thing is to get him curious about figuring himself out. Have you talked to him about seeing a therapist? Not to get pills necessarily, but to talk things out and get a diagnosis. In many cities there are resources for very cheap or even free therapy, especially for victims of abuse.
He could very well be bipolar. It could also be that he has Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), which used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder. You can begin reading about it here:
http://health.discovery.com/tv/psych-week/articles/dissociative-identity-disorder.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_identity_disorder
When he comes back sad and depressed, does he know where he has been? Can he describe what he's been doing? The reason I think he could have DID is because sometimes in times of trouble, like in response to certain triggers especially, another identity (or alter, or part) of the person "takes over" and they go places and do things that they don't remember afterward. It's kind of like when you "black out" when drinking too much and you do and say things you don't remember, but all your friends tell you about afterward. So that is a possibility too.
This is a very difficult situation for you, because while the problem lies within him, it is affecting you and the child you have together. I understand you love him and want to be with him. But, are you willing to live in this way for the rest of your life? Never sure of when he's going to pick up and leave? Never sure when he's going to come back? Always wondering why? Because if you're not willing to live like this your whole life, you need to make it plain to him that he has to seek answers. Bad stuff happened to him, and you feel for him, but he has to take responsibility for his life if he wants to stay in yours. It sounds like "tough love" (and maybe as you're reading this, it sounds more like toughness than love), but really, it would improve his life if he dealt with his old demons, too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): I have been with my husband for ten years and he has done the EXACT same thing since we got together. We have four boys he loves dearly and I aam his whole world but he will leave out of nowhere and come home days later dirty and starving and depressed and confused. He has recently started seeing a phsychiatrist and has been diagnosed as clinically depressed and suffering from post traumatic stress disorder over incidents that occured in his childhood. I also discovered he has a drug problem and would get completley wasted while he was gone. It sounds like your boyfriend has no coping skills. He needs therapy and medication.
My heart goes out to you and I know exactly how you feel. I will tell you this, the emotional rollercoaster his behavior will put your children on is tantamount to abuse. You have to make him get help, and if he won't you have to protect your children. I put my foot down a little too late, and our seven year old is an emotional mess. He is in family counceling now. Don't let it get that far. I know its hard but you are their only defense. Good luck and i hope your family can pull through together.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (18 May 2010):
Well we don't know why he leaves. But when you said that he comes back depressed and confused I thought of bipolar. That could perhaps be the problem or maybe he doesn't really know how to control his feelings and rather than figure them out at home with you, he leaves. It's not the best choice, but maybe that's just how he deals. Do you know if he ever does drugs? Many people with disorders and/or depression try and cope by "fixing" themselves by substance abuse.
Have you tried to get in touch with him or anything? I imagine you have....but if not, I think it's pretty reasonable to do so. I also think you need to be upfront with him and confront him, letting him know that this is a serious problem and it's not okay. If you live together and have a child together, there's no reason why he should be leaving abruptly and just not coming home.
Even if you are sure of what he is or isn't doing, in reality--you're not. Be very careful and let him know that him leaving is something you shouldn't tolerate. Honestly, I think that if he does it again you need to make a decision and make it be that if he leaves that he doesn't come back.
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