A
female
age
30-35,
*lower123
writes:Hello I haven't had sex with my bf yet and he told me I should get a vibrator. I have never enjoyed having sex in the past as its too uncomfortable and hurts (I have had sex about 10 times in the past and I felt no pleasure). My bf could only use one finger pleasuring me the other night because I'm so tight it hurt when he tried two fingers. He told me I should get a vibrator to explore and see what I like in my own time because he said he didn't want to hurt me and that once I have used it, I could tell him what I enjoy etc. I understand he is being very considerate as I have never had a bf as concerned about my enjoyment before but at the same time I don't know if what he is doing is normal or even right? Is he being lazy by asking me to buy a vibrator? I am a little nervous about using/buying one because if I struggle with his finger how am I going to be able to fit a vibrator? What does it mean that he wants me to get a vibrator? Should he be the one buying it since he suggested it or am I just being fussy? I have never used one, or been asked to use one so I am little confused about what to do or think about it. Thank you for any help or suggestions :) x
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 April 2013):
 Well before we go to a vibrator (which btw if his goal is to loosen you up he means a dildo not a vibrator much like chigirl advised) I wonder if you have ever masturbated to orgasm.
Personally I think a vibrator while not a bad idea may not be the best STARTING point.
if you do not yet know how to bring yourself to an orgasm my first suggestion would be to get very comfortable with your body and masturbation with your hands and see if that works.
I will say this about myself... i do not orgasm from penetration. I do not orgasm from anyone but me rubbing my clitoris. In fact, I find fingering (either penetration or rubbing my clitoris) annoying more than stimulating.
I don't like a vibrator usually, but I do enjoy a lovely hand held shower massage on pulse...
he's not being lazy but he may be a touch clueless about how women's bodies work or don't work.
I also want to suggest if you have not been to the gynecologist that a check up is a great idea.
Either sexually active or age 18 is the standard guideline here for girls to start with the GYN.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 April 2013):
 Actually, he's right. Many women who have orgasmic issues find their way using things like vibrators to explore. Once you've had an orgasm, you totally know it. There are some women who can't orgasm without a vibrator. There are more women who discover orgasm using a vibrator, then go from there to use their own fingers or whatever. You are the best teacher of what makes you feel good, but if you don't know your own body, you can't tell someone else. All girls are different, and even if your boyfriend is sexually experienced, you are different and unique.
He *wants* to make you feel good. If you get a vibrator and explore on your own, using it with him could be a good next step. He's not being lazy, because trust me, you getting pleasure turns a guy on. But he's saying to discover your own body before teaching him. One the orgasmic pilot light is lit, you're going to have a blast.
He would be lazy if he didn't care about how you feel and simply got his orgasm off quick and easy and then rolled over. He does care about you!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 April 2013):
 " Is he being lazy by asking me to buy a vibrator? "
Huh? Lazy? Why would this mean he is lazy? I don't get it. He's tried everything he knows of, and everything he tries causes you pain, so he goes beyond what any other boyfriend of yours ever have, because he cares about your pleasure. He offers suggestions, and puts in his effort, and you sit here and wonder if he's lazy???
No, he's not lazy. He's concerned about your well being and wants you to be able to enjoy sex. And I agree with him, you should get a vibrator and figure out what you like and dislike.
How would you be able to fit a vibrator? Sweetie, a vibrator is used on your clitoris only, external use. You're probably thinking of a dildo, a penis like device that can be used for penetration. Sure, a vibrator can be used for penetration as well, but it hardly gives any pleasure, and thus serves no point.
A finger inside you isn't pleasurable. So nothing wrong with you in that regard. What's pleasurable is clitoral stimulation. Do you know where your clitoris is? The clitoris is the female equivalent of the penis. The clitoris is what you need to focus on to reach pleasure.
When buying a vibrator just buy something small and easy to handle, with multiple speeds. You want to be able to control the vibration, as too much can just make you sore, and too little wont get you anywhere.
When I first tried a vibrator it didn't do much at all. I had to play with it and practice with the different speeds for about 2-3 weeks before I got the hang of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): I don't think the answer is using a vibrator. If sex hurts, I would go to the doctor to get checked out, for reassurance if nothing else. Then you just need a gentle and sympathetic partner. Take things slowly, being relaxed is very important and it could be that you are tensing up.
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