A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m 17 and have been with my girlfriend for over a year. We have a great relationship and I honestly cant fault it however her past seriously gets to me. Before me she was in a serious relationship for 6 months. She never see’s him now and never even talks about him but just the thought of him being with her drives me crazy. I no that my girlfriend is happier with me than she was him and I no I cant do anything about the past so why does this bother me so much? Any thoughts would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2007): Good for you to write in and ask about this. This is an issue that affects many you men/women. You realize fully this is 'your' problem and I respect that you are seeking some inderstanding about why you are thinking this way.
I feel when a man is unusually upset about his gf's past relationship(s)..it all tied into his ego, his general controlling attitude toward women, his own insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. Here's the scenario with most guys/girls who go through 'insecurity about past relationships' syndrome. Here is how most of these scenario's play out. I will use your own circumstance as an example here:
The more this bugs you, the more you will want to know. It's a vicious, unhealthy, destructive cycle that comes from within you. So--she will tell you minor tidbits or she may even refuse to tell you-but either way, you will be obsessed and you will keep asking her. So she will cave in and then...here is where it gets weird. Every single minor detail she tells you will haunt you day and night. So you keep at her and at her, wanting to know more and more. Finally, she goes quiet and is not telling you anymore because she sees how it pains you-she's cluing into your jealous, obsessional thinking and it's bothering her. But when she is quiet, your mind plays tricks on you-your jealous, controlling behaviours take over. Why has she stopped telling you stuff like this? Is he hiding something? Does she still have feelings for this other guy? And on and on and on and on. This is your issue, not hers.
You my dear suffer from the all-consuming emotion called jealousy. And we all know where jealousy comes from. It comes from one 'need to control' the other. It's very, very unhealthy and very destructive in a love relationship. If you love this girl and want this relationship to flourish, grow, develop in a healthy manner, one thing you need to know and I couldn't be more blunter: Her past relationship is none of your business, what she and her ex bf did is none of your business, any thing she did before she met you in none of your business. Respect that, accept that and move on to a happy future with her. So, in a nutshell. Jealousy over her relationships that came before you is unreasonable, foolish, controlling and very obssessive of you. I’d suggest you focus on trying to be a little less controlling. Learn that now or every relationship you have will 'blow up'. No smart, intelligent woman would ever tolerate a controlling, jealous male who feels he owns her. My guess is that were this not the issue, you’d be jealous about something else. If you can't get this behaviour in check, get some professional help--now. This is your issue- think you know that.
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