A
female
age
36-40,
*menthyst3356
writes:I was out to dinner with my boyfriend tonight and I asked him what his reservations are about getting married. He told me that he wanted to live together first because he wanted a trial run to see if we were compatible. I feel after two years he should know if we are compatible. Then he asked me if he could just move in with me, I told him no. Even though right now I'm living with my parents while in school, I have my own house basically. I think he and I should get our own place, but he doesn't want to pay a deposit. I really feel hurt that he wants a trial run, yeah we both have stubborn streaks but isnt that what we are supposed to work out?We have talked about marriage to the point where I thought he was serious enough to ask me soon, that we looked at rings for months. Am I right to feel so hurt about this? Does he have a point?I do have to say that his parents do not have a great marriage, they dated 1 1/2 year before they got married. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2011): If you want marriage,don't settle for less,or try to manipulate him if he doesn't want marriage.It can't work unless he's right for you and wants the same as you.Right now,sadly,that seems to not be the case.He has a right to not feel pressured,and you have a right to want marriage.Neither of you is "wrong" here,so don't act like he is.Tell him what you need,and accept that he either can or cannot give that to you.
A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (15 August 2011):
Your guy is a freeloader and will never marry you. You see this now, why rent your parents rental if he can get into the main house with a bonus-sex with the dauther and maybe more. This is a guy who's looking for a naive girl. Has he found one?
Dont ask him anything else and please cut off the sex..no sense being screws in this deal.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 August 2011):
 I agree that it's big red flags that he is not willing to commit a deposit to moving in together and he keeps moving the marriage date farther down the road....
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (14 August 2011):
 Considering he renegotiated when he wants to propose "officially" several times in a short period...I would be nervous that this man does not know really what he wants.
I can see why you feel hurt. You got your hopes up with the ring shopping, because you thought he was more serious and ready to commit. Then he stepped further and further back from the opportunity. He may have gotten scared.
Hold off moving in together unless an official proposal has been given, a date is set, and plans are in the works.
It is OK to say, I do not want to live as a couple, without the benefit of marriage.
The dating period was the "trial period" of the relationship. Moving in together gives all the benefits of marriage without the obligation.
If YOU want to be married before living together. Stand your ground.
If you conceed to live together with your parents help on the rental, make sure his name is on the rental/lease agreement so he is financially responsible for the place.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (14 August 2011):
 1. You mentioned he doesn't want to pay deposit twice in your letter. Why? It's his idea to move in together but he doesn't want to shell money for it? Ask him.
2. Now the story changes and you say that he wants to move into your parents house. Yet at the same time you write that " My family is pretty old fashion, so I know he couldn't move in even paying rent, which he knows." So what I am gathering, despite the fact that he knows your parents won't allow him to move in, he still wants to move into your parent's house. THAT is selfish, rude, and inconsiderate. Does he want this option because he won't have to pay rent, or pay less rent? That he wouldn't have to worry about utilities, internet, and food? If that is the case, you're looking at a user. Someone who is cheap and doesn't want to pave their own way in life. Do you want someone like that? Someone that's using you AND your family to make his life easier?
Ask yourself, what do YOU gain from this arrangement and what does he gain? You're still in college without a career. Do you have a job? Does he? If you do, do you have enough money to live together (unless of course he only wants to leech off of your parents)? Why struggle financially with a man who doesn't want to propose when you can live comfortably with your parents?
You need to hear from him why he wants to live with your parents. This sounds very fishy and self-motivated. And you're absolutely right when you say that you two would be roommates. Couples living together in the parent's house are mere children. They're not independent in any sense of the word. It certainly wouldn't be a trial run of how things work in real life. Listen to your gut and stick to your values. This man sounds like a loser.
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A
female
reader, amenthyst3356 +, writes (14 August 2011):
amenthyst3356 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. My family is pretty old fashion, so I know he couldn't move in even paying rent, which he knows. Also, he has told me that he wants to marry me for a year now so when he gave me a promise ring and took me ring shopping I was sure that he was going to ask me. My parents own rentals that they rent out, so when he said we should start looking at places together and gave a time frame of when he wanted to move in together I convinced my parents to rent us one of their rental places. Now he just wants to move into their house with me. I have five siblings and if he did this he would be sharing a room with my brother, which he knows. That is not living together, also when he took me ring shopping we talked about getting married in two years now it's four maybe. This is why I'm so upset, I relented against my parents wishes and said I would move on together before we are engaged/married, but for him to say that he doesn't know if we would work together and he doesnt want to pay a deposit. It sounds to me that we won't even move in together but of we do it would be a room mate situation with sex, but not melting into each others way to come up with a compromise.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 August 2011):
when you live together unless you are living exactly the way you will when married (combined finances etc) it's not really a trial.I know a couple that lived together for years as a married couple without the piece of paper they even owned a home... they got married and 2 years later they were done... living together if you don't want it is not a good idea.I want to live with my boyfriend... we have combined our homes and our lives and our finances and sadly while NEITHER of us wants to get married, the state I live in will NOT recognize him as my partner unless we get married... so our hand is being forced....do not do what you do not want to do.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (14 August 2011):
 are you paying rent? and does he intend to pay rent for living at your parents? important questions indeed.maybe he is not ready for the responsibility of marriage.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): Dating IS the trial run. That's when people get to know each other to determine whether or not they're compatible for a life partnership. You're absolutely right, two years is more than sufficient.Having witnessed his parents rocky marriage he may be more careful about making a serious commitment. Fair enough. However he doesn't seem to have a problem expecting you to make a commitment to him. If you live with him you'll be expected to assume the role of a wife, doing all the things a wife does....exclusively for him....while he makes up his mind. Do you want to pass up other opportunities so you can spend years of your life cooking for and cleaning up after this man only to be told you're not the one? Stand your ground on this. Never agree to provide the benefits of a wife until you have the legal recognition and protection of one. Don't corner him with ultimatums. Instead tell him what you want for yourself. If he doesn't think he's the one or he needs more time to decide, fair enough, but you won't be waiting around for him. The free trial period has expired. Tell him you're going to start dating again. If you're still interested and available by the time he makes up his mind, great. If not then enjoy the time you had together and wish him all the best. If he decides to date other women you will take that to mean you're not the one for him and move on. He'll argue that isn't fair, but it is. You're not the one stringing him along while you make up your mind. Never ever provide a man with the perks of a wife until you have the legal recognition and protection of one.
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male
reader, Roboaxe +, writes (14 August 2011):
 I can sorta see where he is coming from. My parents actually dated for about 3 years, then moved in together, and then got married.
The thing is, you really don't know who a person is until you live with them. At least, that's the philosophy behind him wanting to live with you before marrying you.
Hope that helps!
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male
reader, davidnwpa09 +, writes (14 August 2011):
 The tendency is to want to live with one another prior to commitment to see if you are compatible. The huge downside to that is if you do move in together and are not married, you could find yourself stuck with a hefty lease you cannot afford, utility bills that are high, and all sorts of other related problems you have not yet considered. If he moves out, you get stuck with the bills. The pressures of school are important and are probably pretty demanding of your time. If you will be graduating soon, then you have your career ahead of you, and need to find your first job within your field. Apparently, your bf is not serious enough for you about marriage, or he would have already asked you without asking for a trial run first. With school, huge bills, and no ring in the near future, I would suggest that you are better off waiting to move in with him until he can give a more firm commitment. If he can't do that, then you may have to find a new bf.
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female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (14 August 2011):
 I can see his point of view. Going-out/dating and living together are entirely different playing fields. If he has concerns about your compatibility, it is better to have ago at living together, before committing to marriage and a mortgage. Don't be in such a rush to get a ring on your finger. Why not live together, rent, and show him how good it can be. When he is feeling confident in you as a couple, then he will want to get married. Pressuring him won't get you anywhere. If he needs to go slower, allow him to, or he may just do a runner.
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