A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I get on really well, we have both been married before but at last are happy, we hardly never argue and everyone says that we are made for each other. I am unusually laid back about most things BUT we are getting married this year and it came out that on his stag night his friends are taking him to a lap dancing and strip clubs.I've never been jelous, he has female friends, if he went out for an innocent coffee or meal with a female friend I would not be bothered ( as long as he told me ) he goes out for drinks with his friends,I dont mind if he watches porn and I'm sure that he finds other women attractive. i am 48 so I'm quite sure most women are more attractive!! Having said that I am wearing well!He said they are going to buy him privates dances. He does not normally do this sort of thing and I cannot understand why he needs to do this now. We have a good sex life, he loves me so why does he feel the need to have a sexual encounter with other women? To me making a commitment ( be it marriage, engagement or having a partner) means no sexual encounters with anyone else and going to one of these clubs is going with the intnetion of doing that. To me sex is the one thing that you promise to to keep private between you NOT THAT I'M ASSUMING HE WOULD HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE ELSE AS HE WOULD NOT.He said its just a laugh and means nothing so I said in that case he would not mind not going. He said its traditional - I said so I said it does not mean he has to do it - I asked if he does not want to lose face with his friends - is what they want more important than my feelings and if it means 'nothing' then why is it so important? He said its his last night of freedom and I said if hes so worried about being trapped then why is he getting married? ,,,,,,,anyway this went on and on and he just dug a deeper and deeper hole for himself.I've taken this really personally. He had the chance to do this when he was single - he was in the forces for 10 years - so why dod he not do it then? Why does he wait until he meets the 'woman of his dreams' as he calls me, want to get married and then want to have sexual encounters with other women for one night? Does not make any sense to me at all!Can someone explain?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I suppose that you are right - he is in a lose/lose situation. I'm normally so laid back he did not expect to get a reaction, he probably thought I'd be OK about it. So when I wasn't he got defensive and we ended up having an arguement! As he has been unable to explain exactly WHY he wants to do this I was just hoping someone else could.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): Don't feel insulted. Look at it this way. He is celebrating the fact that he is getting married to YOU. He loves you and wants to marry you. He could probably care LEDs about a lap dance to be honest. But in the end it's something that both of you need to discuss. If he doesn't go his friends will tease him about it. If he does go your gonna hold it against him. Either way it's gonna be bad feelings on somebodys part.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just worry that I have done something wrong. I dont understand what this has got to do with us getting married. I feel insulted I suppose.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (5 May 2009):
I think you have to tell him how much this means to you.
As you say, he has probably been to several dozen lap dancing bars in his time. Why does he need "one last private dance."
I have to say that I would feel exactly the same as you. If I'm that much of a cramp on his social life then I wouldn't want to marry him.
Tell him how much this has hurt you and that you really really do not want him to go. Suggest a weekend in Prague where he can go off and play with AK47s instead but NO STRIP CLUBS.
If he really is ready to settle and be with the woman of his dreams he should agree no naked women.
If he knows how you feel and wants to do it anyway, then although it sounds very dramatic, I would be tempted to call off the wedding. How many other things in his life will he do anyway knowing how much it hurts you? It sets a very bad precedent.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): Sweetie I think you are blowing this way out of proportion. He's not allowed to touch the dancers at all. It's just a guy thing. Don't let your insecurities ruin what is supposed to be a happy time for both of you. I've been married 20 years and my wife felt the same way that you do in the begining. That is until I made her go with me a few times. Now she realizes that her preconcieved notions were completely different than reality. Those women in those places have absolutely no interest in your man trust me. A friend of mine owns the most popular strip club in Dallas. They are there to make money not look for guys. Let him have his night out with the guys. You'll be the one who reaps the rewards when he gets home.
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A
male
reader, Main Man +, writes (5 May 2009):
 Maybe his friends are winding you up about taking your fiance to lap dancing & strip clubs on his stag night. Just to see how you react about the situation. Tell him that you would prefer that he didn't go. Also talk to his friends who are arranging his stag night do plan something different because you are going to do those things for him once your married. These days most men go abroad for the week-end for teir stag parties these trips rarely include lap dancing or strip clubs.
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