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writes: OP's own title: I am an international, came to U.S for studying 2 years ago. Honestly, I am very reserved and shy - maybe this is from my culture in Vietnam. I met this guy 2 years ago because he is my aunt's boss at a nail salon. He opened a restaurant and wanted me to work there. I worked at the restaurant for a year. During that time, he helped me alot. I didn't have a car, he drove me to work every weekend. He offers me a place to live and took care of me as if i am a little sister. I am very appreciate his help. However, from Dec, 2009, our relationship started to grow, we lived together and he slept in my room sometimes. I cooked for him, i took care of the business so that he has less work to do, I just wanted him to enjoy this life, not too busy as before. I do whatever I could. Actually, i love him more than anything in this world. We go everywhere together, we almost spend 24 hours a day and 7 days a week together. I went back to Vietnam for visiting in May for 3 weeks. Everything changed after I came back here. One of the roommates introduced him a girl, and he is very into her that he ignored me. He picked me up at the airport, the first thing he told me was about that girl. I feel something weird inside, but I didn't say anything. That day, he still spent the night in my room, everything was still the same at that night. But ... BUM... the next day, he turned to a very cold person. He haven't talked or called me for 2 days ... I decided to move out ...From the time I moved out until now, he still keeps contact. He called me every single day, just to ask what am I doing or are u happy there, something like that. I still work for him over the weekend, so I meet him over the weekend. He still plays the game ... He touched me at work sometimes or said something really sweet. From the time I moved out til now, everytime he told me he is hungry, I cooked and brought the food for him. Yep .... I am still in love with him. I tried to not call him since I moved out, but he kept calling me that made him still there, in my mind. I can't get over him ... I wonder, why did I treat you that well, I honestly love him, why he is not appreciate my love ...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): (continued--I forgot to add this).
By the way, from your description, it doesn't mean he's a bad guy.
He found some other romantic interest but still values you as an employee, a close friend, or even a little sister. There is no crime in that.
Talking sweetly and touching here and there, if innocent, are ambiguous gestures and could be brotherly/close friend behavior. Exchange students and their friends cook and bunk out (friendly) and do things with one another all the time out of common cultural bonding in a foreign land so that is also ambiguous. He may be saying "I don't think we are a romantic possibility but you are the sweetest person from my home country and as a sweet little sister to me and I don't want to lose you."
If he's not making a pass at you, and was upfront about the other girl (sounds like he told you immediately that he found some other girl), then see the situation for what it is. Beautiful selfless love of the type you were brought up to believe, if directed at the wrong situation in the US, can easily be interpreted as co-dependent unhealthy desperation by this culture, even by those born overseas but have been here for a while. Beware.
Don't be too down on yourself. What you bring to the table is what many guys dream of, but you have to find the right guy who also sees love in the same light and willing to put in the same amount of effort in the same way. Some of the sweetest, most romantic couples I know come from this mold but this compatibility is hard to find. More often than not, one party gets taken advantage of. Sad but true.
Ideally, you want to find someone who sees things through the same cultural filter(an obvious statement if there is one), and can correctly interpret what you are doing and respond in the desired way.
I'm sorry but this doesn't sound like your current situation.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): You really have to see where his feelings are.
Draw a line in the sand. Go out with someone else (even as a friend) and see what his responses are. If he seems upset, then that's a good opportunity to talk about it.
If you keep acting like a doormat, he will keep treating you like a doormat. Some men are like that and no amount of love you pour into him will make him love you back. That's a dead-end street. I'm sorry that you are going through this.
I know that culture-wise, your ideal romance involves some degree of self-sacrifice and endless devotion. Lan va Diep--I've read the story (translated version). You bring your heart of gold into the relationship and you hope for a beautiful ending into the sunset. Here's the danger when you operate that way in America. A guy who is mature enough and wise enough to value that will hang on to you because such is so rare in this culture.
But the flip side is a guy who is immature or selfish will take advantage of your good intention. This individualistic, I-do-what-I-want-and-what's-best-for-me culture in the US encourages that, and you have to be super-careful since guys here don't operate with the same cultural understanding (and appreciation of your selfless intention) that someone decent (decent is an important word) from your culture would. He wouldn't see it as your selfless devotion. His cultural filter will see you as a spineless doormat and someone undeserving of respect. Not good or bad--that's how the environment conditions people.
If you are an exchange student, you are not going to be here long. Don't waste precious time on him.
If you are in California, there's a huge Viet community there. Somebody can give you leads to other jobs and meet other people. You want to maximize your opportunities here while you are here (study/travel/meet people), not waste time on an emotionally unavailable guy.
But force the issue. You either lost him already, or you will if you don't demand self-respect. And don't waste too much time at it.
Again, I'm sorry you are going through this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe knows this is a very good job for me, good pay, especially for an international student as me. I have thought of looking for another job, but where else could I work with this pay?
Plus, playing hard to get is not a part of my personality ... I know that might help, I tried to learn playing to get too, but I can't. You are absolutely right, he found the challenge somewhere ... that's why he treated my like that ...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): You are stroking his ego. He knows you have the hots for him. The little sister routine doesn't fool him--he knows. Trust me he does.
May be he sees that you are beneath him (class-wise) but still enjoys the attention, the flattering, and the ego-stroking. Plus free food and cleaning isn't bad.
Learn how to play a little hard to get. Because it seems you are making yourself too available--and he found challenge elsewhere.
It would be great if life is a Korean melodrama--girl loves boy, girl devoted to boy, boy eventually realizes it, they live happily ever after. But that's why it's on TV--real life doesn't happen like that.
Move on.
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