A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im 26 years old and have 2 sons off 2 different dads but not though any fault of my own, the first treated me bad and the second left me. Since then i promised myself not to get into a relationship again or fall in love as its just too painful. Im a very loving and caring woman, who thinks that a relationship is something that should be shared between 2 people who really want each other and love each other with all there hearts. Ive now been with my new bf for 2 years, i was wary at first as i didnt want to get into another relationship but there was something about him that made my heart melt. Things have been a rollacoaster, hes not very loving and cant show his feelings due to past issues but i still fell in love with him for who he was. Hes my soul mate, my best friend and i worship the ground he walks on. But hes got alot of past problems that he cant put behind him and be happy we have something special. He drinks everynight and has done for years. His problems causes arguements between us all the time. We have lived together for over a year and were engaged, but he called it off. When past pops up in his head i panic and think there is something wrong with us, but when he tells me its nothing to do with us so not to worry i still worry about him and want to help him but he says i push him to open up. I dont know what to do as he has told me we are over just because i was concerned about him. Why does he push me away? And what can i do to make him feel better and make our relationship better again as i really dont want to loose him?
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 August 2010):
I'm going to be honest.
This relationship of yours cannot and will not work. Ever. On any level.
The time has come for you to seriously sit down and look at your own life and yourself. Does it not strike you that you had one guy abuse you, then another guy leave you, and now yet another guy who isn't loving, has past problems, has drinking problems, ended his engagement with you and so on?
Basically, you've been abused by one men, left by another and you're in yet another bad relationship that will end with you being hurt once more. You seem to be suffering from a kind of martyr syndrome, where you taking on flawed men and trying to solve their problems. Twice it hasn't worked out, and now for a third time, it isn't working out.
You can't make him feel better. You can't stop his problems, or his drinking. It is not your job to do that. If he wants to change, he has to do it himself, for himself. He doesn't want to change.
I think you need to sit down and really spend time on your own life with your kids. You don't want them to be affected by break up after break up. Find a man who hasn't got problems like this, and a man who you're happy with as he is rather than one you want to change. You seem to be a lovely woman who is setting her standards for too low. That needs to stop, and you must stop choosing flawed men as boyfriends. This won't work, and there is nothing you can do about it.
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