Why does he keep coming back to me after all these years?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems

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Question - (10 January 2010)

5 Answers - (Newest, 11 January 2010)

A female age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have had an on again off again relationship with another man for 8 years. I am married to a good guy. And he is also married. I think it started with both of us feeling neglected-but I am not making any excuses. Yes, it was wrong and we both have issues with guilt. It's not been a constant thing between us. We went a few years with only talking and being in touch, no flirting at all. The last 3 years we have been on again several times year. Now, we do not live close, so we email frequently. We got together for 1 day in 08. Afterwards, I lost a close family member and he had also. So, we split. We decided it was wrong and were both mad at each other for a while. I say mad-but-I think we were both hurting and not thinking straight and said stupid stuff. We went on and finally began what we hoped would be a normal friendship. As we like each other in other ways than that and the families are friends. But as of recent it has went slowly back to the same. And I know if we are in the same area, we will be together. I have a strong desire for him as well as he does for me. He's a nice looking man, so, he could find other ladies if he wanted. We are both younger than 40. I have no idea why we are so connected. I thought maybe it was one-sided, but, I have since figured out it is not. One time he initiates it-then one time I do.

Sorry. Guess my question is: Why does he come back to me? After all these years?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010):

If you guys want each other that strongly and feel you are married to the wrong people then you both need to tell your current partners about this, leave them & then get together and get married to each other. Your partners will be hurt but since you two have this strong connection, maybe you are meant to be together. So, you should speak to him and agree a time to tell your partners about this affair asap. Then it will all be out in the open and there will no lies and no wondering why he keeps coming back.

When you read the paragraph above did it give you a fright??!! I wasn't being serious ... because I know if you really were meant for each other you would have done this already. I was trying to get you to feel how it would actually feel to turn your lives upside down for an affair. Also, when you read it, did your heart sink because you knew there is no way he would go tell his wife??

What I am trying to say is that he keeps coming back because he fancies you and you let him in! He is a selfish man who lies and cheats. If you tell a compulsive eater that they have to stick to their diet all week but can secretly pop into the bakery every now and then and unbeknown to anyone else, fill up on some sweet cream cakes, totally in secret . what do you think they would do? And I am talking about compulsion here ... genuinely so and some men are compulsive liars and cheats and are weak. How would his wife and your husband feel if they came to know about all this? You have both chosen to have your cake and eat it but God only knows how you would feel if your husand found out - he would be so hurt and so would this guy's wife. If you really had a connection, a proper one, you would miss each other seriously and crave each other in a way that would prompt you to make a decision, either to end it completely to save the pain, or to divorce your partners and move on to a new life together.

Do you want him?? Really want him I mean?? Enough to give up your marriage?? And does he feel the same?? If not, then you have your answer ie that the connection is sexual. And actually only you really know the answer to your own question. It is possible to really fancy someone badly and not actually like them or want to marry them ... it's annoying because yes the desire can be strong. I was in the same position with a single man ie the connection and desire was strong but he was also verbally abusive so it would never have worked. It really stung to cut away from him but I had to do it.

I think, for this guy, he is having his cake and eating it and you both have to decide what is the nature of this connection and put an end to the sneaking around once and for all. If you were both single and having this on off apparently irresistable connection that would be different but you are both married, to unsuspecting people who love you and don't deserve this. You know why he keeps coming back - the question is what are you going to do about it? if you can't live without each other you are going to have to own up to your spouses and do things properly. Good luck.