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female
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*ust4happiness
writes: I am in dire need of advice. My boyfriend is 19 years older than me and we get along great...the majority of the time. I am having a lot of issues right now with him and his need to speak to his exes or any girl for that matter. He is a guy who knows a lot of people and who is a great people person. I love that about him, but why does he feel the need to talk to these women? I mean, he recently told me that him and his recent ex (a year or two ago) had to get married becuase they weren't going to allow her back into the country otherwise. He said he didn't want to do it, but he knew that she would have a bad life if she were to go back. So they got paper married in a little tiny stuffed room. He told me it had no meaning, and i belive him when he says that to a point, where not even his best friends or parents knew about it. No one knew but me. So, now that they have been broken up for two years, she was still living with him. Never have they had sexual contact for medical reasons on her part. But it still bothered me that he was doing things for her. He bought her a car, gave her credit cards, she racked them up, he helps her with everything financially. until one point back in September I told him, "I can't date you anymore if you she is living there." He told me that he only cared for me and that he would do anything to me and that he didn't realize how much he was hurting me....so he co-signed for a place for her to rent a room and she left. Fine...But now, we argue about her in a way where he tells me that he feels, "morally obligated" to her. How?? I am not understanding this. If she can't get by with standing on her own two feet, then move back home?!?!!?! So anyway, now my bf and her current bf communicate and my bf is helping them together., I know i should feel fine by this, but i dont. Also, the fact that he still helps her out really bothers me. He told me that i would have to deal with it. If in time things started to wean away, then fine, but right now they aren't. So, becuase he said this to me, I told him that I am going to need to know when she calls, what she wants and so on and so forth. I also said that i want to be there when you talk so I can see for myself that you are no longer interested in her. I am not like that with only her, but every girl i know that he has kissed or been with. Okay, so that is one ex, now the other one from about 7 years ago. They talk once every couple weeks...maybe longer, sometimes shorter. He tells me that he loves me and only me and that if there were ever feelings towards his ex, that he would tell me. He doesn't say I love you to her, and will not call her past a certain time, and vice versa, becuase it just doesn't promote a healthy thing. I should be fine by all of this becuase he is trying to make me feel comfortable about it. But I don't. I feel threatened and I feel hurt, and i feel let down and scared! I don't know why. So i told him that whoever calls him, girl wise, i want to know about it. No more secrets, no more lies. I figured that my jealousy would get better. Well, it hasn't I cry hysterically when we get into certain discussions, and I feel like he wants all these other women. I know he is a hard man to be with and that he is already set in his ways, but seriously...grow up. I don't know what to do. I look in his emails now becuse i am always afraid that he is being sexually or wrongly flirtatious with anyone. It bothers me sooo much. Not only that, but another EX popped into the picture. One from 13 years ago. He says that she only calls and that they only talk a few times a year. C'mon man? Why are you doing this to me? Why is he doing this to me? Can't he let it go? He feels that he shouldnt have to tell me his every move and that he can have everything plus have me in the meantime. I don't think so. yeah i know he doesn't sexually want these women, but i still just cannot understand why he needs to call them every once in awhile. Or why he feels the need to answer the phone when they call. Not only that, but his bank accounts, were still linked to his last girlfriend annnnnd the one before that. Their names were on the check book. So someone tell me that I have a right to be very upset about that. .Anyway, his paper divorce is almost done. This guy is very nice, but never gets anything done. He says that he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone, and that the connection we have is like no other. His exes know about me, and who knows if they are happy for him or not. One major thing about us is the fact that we are both alike. I mean, he is the male and i am the female version. We feel that we are each half a soul, uniting as one. If we can only come to an understanding on these issues, then everything would be perfect. There are times when he realizes that maybe I am right. Maybe he needs to sacrifice a little. Maybe he needs to realize that I have feelings. But that moment lasts until the next arguement. Why can't he realize that if something bothers me, we both need to figure out a way to fix it? He doesn't need to ask advice from another girl to prove my point. How pathetic is that? So, to prove him that i do have a valid point in having issues with him and talking to other girls on the phone, i am online searching everywhere that I am not the only one! I am not!! I just hope he can realize it and be happy. Am I crazy though? I mean, i get sooo angry and sooo hurt that i can't even explain. I feel like a broken record and i just dont know what to do anymore. Sometimes I feel so jealous and psycho in a sense that just depresses me even more. Am I chemically imbalanced? Please desperately help!!!girl with the aching heart
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2006): I just read your page and I was wondering how things are going? Why because I am in the same situation. Maybe a little bit worse. They call tex each other back and forth there are about five of them. He was married too and some of them are the girls he had affairs with. It is suppose to be okay because they are now married and supposely moved on.I cry every holiday because they all tex each other or call. If I get married will they be calling and texing on that day too??? which is another issue he wont marry me until I give him his fantasy, a threesome. He has broke up with me a day before my b-day to go hang out at a strip joint and the one ex I really have a problem with tried to get him to drive to her town. If he did I dont know.I just seen they talked every few hours every day for the four days we had been broke up. help me. I cry everyday any advice for someone in love and hurting
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2006): For some unknown reason he needs all these women in his life. Perhaps for his self esteem or to make him feel important. It gets old real fast as I well know and if the tables were turned and you were doing the same thing it would be a different story. He's way too involved and he knows it bothers you which makes it all the more inappropriate. Pursue your own interests, reconnect with your friends and quit making him the focus of your life. The worse you treat him the more he'll want you. Sad but true. And maybe by that time you won't want him anymore. Men can be real idiots. It's all about them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2006): I have mixed feelings about your situation. While I was reading your post, I thought, wow...this is a lot of what I've been dealing with. My b/f is very much a people person, very friendly and outgoing...talks to strangers all the time...friends (women) that he speaks to on the phone or in person, he calls them "hun", jokes around a lot, etc...and also keeps in contact with his exes. It bothers me to hear him talk to them the way he does, even though I know it's nothing. It's hurtful because you want to be his one and only and you want all of his affection to be for you. It cheapens it for you when he treats everyone on the same level as you.I don't agree that checking his email is out of line...I did it to my b/f, after he gave me the password. I soon found out it was the password to most of his online activity...cellphone, credit cards, etc...I was suspicious of him lying about certain things, so I checked his stuff out and confirmed that he was lying. I saw his phone records and knew that he was calling his exes all the time, everyday, even when I was at his place...in his bed, he would get up to go "to the bathroom" and make phone calls or send text messages. We spent a weekend together, and I never saw him make a phone call because he made them all while he was "in the shower", or "going to the vending machine." He lies and says they call him, but his phone records clearly show otherwise. He tells me he keeps in contact because he's trying to phase them out withoout being mean about it. He calls them on their birthday...he even calls them on christmas and valentine's day-holidays his religion does not celebrate. I didn't confront him right away about what I found because I felt guilty for having looked through his accounts. I did confront him eventually and he confessed to everything that I had found...without me asking about everything. He explained everything to me, and it all made sense.He says he loves me and wants to marry me in the future, but I can't help but think of all the emails I read where he said the same thing to an ex of his. The phone calls have died down A LOT, but they are still too consistent for me. I have never told him to stop all contact with his exes...once in a while is fine, what bothers me is that he calls one in particular at 6am on a regular basis...is this some little tradition they had as a couple? Like the wake up call he gives me every morning? He calls them on their birthday...which is fine, but why at 12:01am? why do you want to be the first to call them on their bithday? Why call her on Valentine's day? while your in front of my house with a bouqet of flowers waiting for me to come out? Why be sneaky about it? why hide the phone calls your making or the text messages your sending? obviously because he knows I wouldn't like it. That bothers me.It's not fair to say you don't want your b/f talking to anyone of the opposite sex...that's impossible. But think about what it is that he's doing that's upsetting you so much. Is what he's doing really that bad? I know it hurts to be lied to, and even more so when you discover the lies on your own. Hiding something, is just like lying...eventually the truth comes out. I ALWAYS find out what I want to know. If you need a private investigator, I'd be glad to help in any way I can.
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female
reader, mystify +, writes (3 February 2006):
 you are not crazy,just read this site if you are looking for confirmation you are not the only one who feels like this...i think most of us do to some extent, it is worrying though that it seems to be taking over your life, is there anything you still enjoy, in life or love? you should try focusing on these things a little more.
i dont like my husband being around his exes nor does he like me around mine and we both kinda stick to friends of the same sex cos we put each others feelings first, we are both happier this way,
with your guy these people he prob has been friends with a long time and its hard to have to tell someone 'well actually i dont want to speak to you anymore' my ex told me not to speak to this one guy we both knew so i tried my best but then when my ex bumped into him they ended up down the pub together!!! he couldnt even do it, its sounds like quite a nasty thing when said out loud, i think it sounds like your man does understand how you feel and doesnt want to hurt you but it probably is a bit difficult to do anything about it.
talking about it with him maybe agreeing on a compromise , for example he is pleasant when they call but he dosent call them etc
but work on your happiness and find things to enjoy togther as a couple , build on your relationship and you will become stronger in dealing with this matter
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female
reader, just4happiness +, writes (3 February 2006):
just4happiness is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBev Connely - hopefully you come back to this page because I just wanted to say that He never told me he was 'paper' married and also her medical issue. He only told me this after i had enough and after he thought i was going to leave him a few months ago. I love how honesty has to wait with him. But, I just wanted to say that I had absolutely no idea of anything..and when i found out, I left, it was him who told me that neither of them wanted to get married, they just had no choice to. It was also him who told me this stuff thinking that I would be fine and more accepting of the whole situation. If they had been happy, i would have been more than happy to leave, heck, this whole situation wouldnt have even occured. But now, i am just a wreck and i have never known myself to be like this. My eyes are literally hurting and just feeling dry...i just wish that one day he would understand. By then, it might be too late. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2006): he should not be having anything to do with his ex g/fs, the past is the past and he needs to leave it that way because if he does'nt it causes problems.i can see at one stage that he was understanding of your hurt and kicked out the ex gf for you but he has not really showing you that he cares and understands your feelings as he is still in contact with these other women. i dont think your crazy at all i do think your probably just fasturated and confused by his actions and its also obvious your very jelous which is totally normal as i dont know many people that would not be in your postion. fighting about this is not going to solve anything, but it sounds to me like you have expressed your hurt to him and still he does not do anything to make it right. he cant expect you just to get over this by yourself, he needs to put in and do his part to make it right. this guy has made very little effort to prove that his loyal and understanding of your feelings, if i was you id say "im leaving if you cannot promise me you wont stop this" if he does not promise and does not act on it then id just leave, this guy is causing you stress and unwanted hurt, these sort of problems should not be occuring in a relationship and if he thinks its ok and normal to be in contact with his ex g/f's then he is the one with the issues.
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male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (3 February 2006):
 Well you are not crazy. One of the problems here is that you do need to cut yourself some slack. It is only natural that you feel this way because this is a high degree of involvement with one's exs. And i say that as a man who does keep in touch with his exs and can imagine scenarios in which I would offer them support though probably not as extensive as that.
It is only natural that having found something so special you want to hold on to it and are scared by potential threats. However you do have to remind yourself that you have found no evidence of wrongdoing. His actions do seem to be consistent and sincere towards you.
On the specific points I find it hard to comment on the first situation because it is not clear why he feels 'morally obligated' to this person. Obviously a phase of that is ending and that is good. It seems to me that there is more reason for him to be in contact with this person at least for now than the other exs.
You mention that he is trying to make you feel comfortable with this. How? He needs to see how this is affecting you and needs to understand that yes he does have to make some sacrifices between being a good guy and standing by his exs and standing by you, the love of his life.
You both do need to fix this. That will be done through compromise. Maybe that will involve you accepting some contact but it should also involve him realising that you do have feelings and cutting back some of the contact to show you that you are the most important person to him. If you cant work this out yourselves then maybe you should consider couples counselling. Hope that helps. Take care.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (3 February 2006):
 You seem very young and insecure, which makes me suspect that this could be a first serious relationship for you..?
First things first. No, you're not "crazy", but for you to feel "angry and hurt" because he keeps in contact with women who are part of his history isn't rational. I mean, these people are part of his past, and when you got together with him, you -- at least tacitly -- accepted that. This guy was still, on paper at least, married when you started your relationship. His wife and he were living together under the same roof, sex or not. Didn't you ever consider what that meant?
Now you appear to want to wish his exes all away, wiping the slate clean, so that neither he nor you ever interacts another member of the opposite sex for the rest of your lives.
OK, I'm exaggerating to make a point, but do you see what an untenable desire that sounds like to an outsider?
The examples you cite sound to me like a middle-aged man with a normal history, who's on amicable terms with the women from his past. It doesn't sound like anything to "feel threatened" or "cry hysterically" over, unless you're letting your own insecurities take over. The whole checking his email because you're suspicious etc, is way out of line!
And if you're doing that, hon, then the problem is YOURS, not his. Remember that you --presumably, an adult-- went into this relationship knowing that he was living with a woman. You knew he was much older (perhaps twice your age?). You appeared to accept the relationship with him on face value, but now you want him to change his life to please you. Relationships don't work that way! You love the person, or you walk away.
What you need to do is reconcile his past within your own mind, or find another man who doesn't have a string of exes that he likes to keep as friends. It's not fair of you to try to move the goalposts and demand that he change, because his knowing other women makes you unhappy.
The world is a large place, full of people, so if you don't like what you have with him, go somewhere else and try something new. Maybe you find something better. Maybe you find that he's worth the trouble after all. But staying in a relationship you're obviously hating is madness.
As to the two of you being like two halves of the same person, that can be as much a curse as a blessing. It's pleasantly narcissistic to fall in love with someone who reminds you of You, but people who are too much alike can annoy the crap out of each other! That's because they tend to have to same faults and personality flaws. Being alike in your personalities doesn't mean you're fated to be a couple!
So, give this relationship some space. Stop seeing him for a while. Learn to accept that a guy 19 years older than you is going to have a lifetime of habits and a long history, and you can't expect that to change. After you've done all that, you'll be less unhappy and ready to decide if this guy is a long-termer after all.
Good luck to you.
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