A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and i have been married about 9 months. we dated two years before we got married. Throughout our relationship when we were younger i dealt with him contacting his ex's. We were not completely exclusive, I was hardly out of highschool, and even though this hurt me I did not make it a major issue. We became serious about a year ago, and this behavior stopped, so i thought....He started contacting an ex via myspace and told me they were just friends and wanted to catch up. I didnt see a problem with this and told him that was fine and I was glad he told me. One day I was using his phone, (which is normal and I do often because my cell phone has bad service) and i went into the history to find the number for pizza hutt and low and behold he called her every day at lunch for the past month. I tried to write it off I was not a snooper, so I didnt mention anything. I figured if he let me use his phone, he was not trying to hide anything.Another day he was on the phone with his mom and asked me to talk to her for a second while he was driving. As i was talking to her, i heard a beep, looked at the phone and there was a message from his ex that said "i really miss you" followed by i picture of her showing off her legs. I looked over at him, told his mom i had to go, and asked to be dropped off at home. I trusted him, but this was not "just friend" behavior to me. He insisted it was one sided and he knew nothing about it. I wanted to believe him, but that planted a bad seed in my mind.I listened to him, and tried to resume our relationship as normal, but i asked that he not talk to her anymore since she obviously had feelings still even if he didnt. I dont talk to my ex'x for that reason, because he doesnt feel comfortable with that and I respect him. He agreed.After that he was constantly texing when we were together, which was unusual. I couldnt stand it anymore. I snooped. As wrong as it is, I gave in. I found out the he was going to visit her when he took a trip back to his hometown for Chistmas, and he was still calling her, and they would reminess on the past.I immediately fessed up to snooping and told him of my findings and told him it was her or me. He said he was so sorry and that it would never happen again, and I honesly believed him. Come to find out recently he did go to see her. A freind of his accidently leaked it to me. He has never fessed up and I chose to drop it because it was a year ago. We are married now and I rode this off the immature behavior.Recently he added her as a friend on facebook and has been writing to her, apparently thinking this would be alright with me. The messages are innocent and few, So far..... I am so mad about this, and I feel disrespected. We are married now and I truly believe that you are supposed to "forsake all others". I am fine with him having female friends, he has very many i have no problems with, but last i checked, this girl did not want to be friends. Why does he feel the need to keep in conact with her knowing how i would feel about it. Do i even have a right to be mad? Should I confront him? I need advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): One thing I learned through a similar experience is that people can have very different views on exes as friends. He needs to know that you feel this interaction is inappropriate; it hurts you and is disrespectful to your relationship. Don't let it turn into an argument. Stay calm and clearly explain your expectations - meaning how you expect him to treat his ex when she contacts him. If he blows you off, remind him that his loyalties should be with his wife. No matter what you do, don't throw a fit or act catty - he'll just think you're being insecure which could further fuel this flirtation.
A
female
reader, vanity +, writes (5 November 2009):
Hi...You have ever right to have negative feelings about this situation. He did not tell you the whole truth before you were married. Example... You didn't snoop; however, you found information out that you felt was inappropiate behavior when a couple is in a relationship. this is totally understandable Nowthat you are married seeingher name or anyhting that reminds you of something hurtfull in the past. It is what I call a trigger. This trigger or button was pressed recently when he added her as a friend on facebook and has been writing to her. I believe he feels this would be alright with you because is he is now commited to you. At least in my experience men talk about a situation and then they are done with it. Us women talk about it with them and we end conversation thena trigger goes off two weeks later and we are back in there ear yammering about something they felt was resolved. They are actually simple creatures. While we are much more complexed. We think al the timeand for good reason. This is why I believe he feels its ok and not a problem. I would let the situation lay low for awhile. From what you stated it seems that you feel it is still innocent. So there is no need to stir a pot when its not brewing; however, if you become suspicious then I would sit down and talk with him. He is your husband and tell him how you feel and the reason you feel this way is because of what happen in the past. I believe honesty is the best policy and talking it out first before fighting about it always mends the heart sooner. Good luck!!! Keep us posted!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): yes you have every right to be angry. but most importantly why on earth would you marry him if this was going on... him puuting a ring on it is not gonna change the behavior , if you want tjis to stop you are gonna have to do something drastic, it may be time to confront the woman with your husband there.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 November 2009):
 You know, I think you do have the right to be upset. The thing is that he may not realize that you are still angry with him and don't trust her motives at all. Why is he rewarding her by continuing to stay in contact with her? She has set inappropriate messages to him in the past and who knows what her motives are now?I think you need to make it clear to him that while you trust him, you feel completely disrespected, marginalized and hurt by his continued contact with this woman. That if he chooses to continue, you'll think badly of him because he puts her attempts to stay close to him above your feelings. Particularly if you have given up contact with your exes.Perhaps if you were to add some of your exes on facebook too? Would he notice? Would he commment? How would he react? Pose that question to him. Or if you're feeling really immature and vindictive, add them and see what he says. That ought to be interesting.I think before you try the nuclear option, you need to remind him about how you feel about this situation, and that letting things slide a year ago does not mean you don't care if he's in contact with her. Try talking calmly and rationally about this, before doing anything drastic, like a "her or me" ultimatum.
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