A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Here's what's happening. Friends wanted to set me up with a friend of theirs. The guy texted me and asked me if I'd like to come to his place of work to meet up for a drink. (He tends bar part time and has a professional job during the day.) I assumed that being that he works for friends and that he's worked at the bar for years that he'd be able to take some time away once I arrived to chat, so I agreed. I didn't want to read too much into it for a first meeting, and my friends are great, normal, wonderful people, so I figured I was safe.Well, when I arrived, said guy was very friendly and happy, put all his bartender stuff down and gave me a friendly hug set me up with a drink, told me to find a place to sit and that he'd be right over. 20 MINUTES LATER he came back. He chatted for 5 minutes and again said he'd be right back. Again, 20 minutes go by. He returns again for 5 minutes and disappears for 20 or so. Finally, I find him and tell him I have to get going. He apologizes for being so busy and says something to the effect of, "it probably wasn't such a good idea so suggest meeting up here". I told him not to worry about it and that there wasn't much he could do as he was working, etc. etc.When I got home, I texted him and said thank you for the drink and that it was nice to meet him. It WAS nice to meet him! He was very sweet and nice and really my type in the looks department. My friends said he's a super nice guy. His return text said, "thanks for coming down and sorry I was so busy". NOT it was nice to meet you, too. NOT would you like to get together when I'm not AT WORK. I don't understand. I looked cute, we are comparable in the looks department, the few minutes we had to talk we seemed to get along and have a few laughs. I never heard from him again. I'm trying not to get my feelings hurt. But, geez… He saw my picture before he asked me to meet him. The picture I sent was what I REALLY look like, so there were no surprises. We didn't have a chance to get to know each other, which wasn't my fault.Why do you suppose he wouldn't suggest another meeting outside of his work situation?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2015): I am the original poster of this question…Thanks, everyone, for your responses. I'm always amazed that so many people are so willing to take the time to answer the questions of complete strangers.I've been thinking about WiseOwlE's responses all day, and feel the need to respond. It's difficult to post questions here without going on and on about every little detail. My friends did not suggest that we meet while he was working. HE did. I thought it was weird. If I wanted to meet a new person, I would want to give them more than a tiny percentage of my attention, that is IF I was serious about meeting someone. I think I gave this particular guy more credit than I would have a stranger because my friends know him. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought that maybe he would be able to take a break and have 20, 30, maybe even 45 minutes to talk during his shift. I would certainly not expect more than that. I KNOW people have to work for a living. However, I spent time getting ready to meet him, driving there, and sitting alone for an hour while he made no effort to do anything special to meet me! He had to be there anyway "attending to his patrons". He was even getting paid for his time! I DID say not to worry about the fact that he was so busy, and I DID mean it. He may have fully expected that he would have more time to spend chatting, and the bar may have been much busier than he imagined it would have been. I still feel that way. I meant what I said when I said it, and I still do. I did not say it with attitude. I am not a prissy princess that expects men to fall at my feet. I was not irritated then. I was understanding that the situation may have been not what he intended. He truly seemed nice and sincere. And when I texted him "Thank you for the drink and it was nice to meet you", I WAS NOT looking for him to tell me "how pretty I am". Where did you get that from? Do you LIKE women, WiseOwlE? I'm irritated NOW that I look back that I wonder if this guy just gets women to parade in front of him while he's working…pretty easy for him. He doesn't even have to take 5 minutes off! He's getting paid, doesn't need to take any time getting ready or put anything on his calendar, just keep doing what he does, and dumb idiots like me shower and put on make up and perfume and go driving across town to meet a guy who's potentially doing his version of American Idol auditions-dating edition. He doesn't even personally buy the drinks…I'm sure they're on the bar. It's really a nice set-up FOR HIM. I never once said that I am so beautiful that men should just take one look at me and date me purely for that fact alone. I said that I did not mislead him with my picture. People often misrepresent themselves and then wonder why the "date" doesn't want to meet again. I don't and didn't do that. I am not a person who does not take care of myself, yet feels as though I should be dating men that look like George Clooney. I am realistic. And I am kind, polite, decent and a good conversationalist. And I'm not "faking it". I'm not sure, WiseOwlE if you picture me as some serial dating cougar that goes out every weekend with my 5 inch stilettos and my boobs hanging out of my tube top demanding free drinks from men and going home with strangers, or yapping first and thinking about what I said later. But, that's definitely not me. This incident happened on the 4th of July. I've felt bad about it since, and keep thinking and wondering what I could have possibly done or said. But honestly, I didn't do or say anything wrong. I can be honest with myself and really look at myself. I haven't actually gone on a date since then. I think long and hard about making good choices for myself. I still have a 13 year old son at home. I don't even know what made me finally ask this question. I think I already knew that the answer wasn't anything that I did. And if he said that he'd meet me just to make our mutual friends happy, then shame on him! We are in our 40's! Be a grown-up and say, "thanks for thinking of me, but I have a lot going on right now and don't have a lot of time". We BOTH know these particular friends. They are fantastic people…what kind of adults would hold it against another adult for not having time to date??? Geez… And I would much rather hear that than to get my hopes up, spend time getting ready, make arrangements for my son, and spend my time alone at a bar for some guy that "felt funny saying no". Wow…so you DIDN'T feel funny about having me do all of that and then never contacting me again? Seems backwards to me. Now that I think about it, I suppose he did me a favor. He never said anything to our friends. (He used to work with the husband, but doesn't anymore and doesn't see him much anymore). And they are not the type of people to put him on the spot and ask him. I know WiseOwlE probably won't read this…but for some reason, it rubbed me the wrong way to be called conceited. Maybe it's our bartender friend that's conceited thinking that he can read his patron's faces in 5 minutes. Maybe he'll run out of women that will get gussied up and parade themselves down to the bar so he can get a good free and easy look at them without any effort on his part. THAT'S CONCEITED.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2015): He probably wasn't ready to date and met you to get his friends of his back.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 September 2015):
 Oh, and if he works for your friends? He may not have wanted to do any of this but was concerned for his part time job and just went along with them so as not to offend them.
Whatevs.
Don't take it personally. It will most likely have nothing to do with you or your looks and everything to do with his concern for a paycheck. Or one of his children was asking why the tuition check for college hadn't been signed and he was trying to find a copy of that check. Or he was waiting for the results of a medical test. Or his mom was acting odd and he wanted to know if his dad had to call the police to find her again because she has Alzheimer's. Or another friend of his was in crisis.
Again, whatever.
Don't take it personally. You know nothing about him beyond the fact that he is friends with your friends.
Carry on being yourself and enjoying life and you'll find a guy who is compatible with you without all the puzzlement. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 September 2015):
 Because the only time he's off work, he's sleeping. People who need friends to set dates up are those who have trouble finding partners themselves. He's probably the kind who complains to his friends that he got no time to meet women, or women have no interest in him, etc. But he's a nice guy and his friends all think he deserves a good woman. If you are confident with yourself besides just looks, you would have lost interest in someone who's unavailable and cannot make time for relationships. I bet he's feeling sorry for leaving you waiting, instead of what you assumed, like he doesn't fancy you or something. He didn't suggest meeting again because he has little free time and it wouldn't be fair for you.
If I were you I would have said to my friends, "Is this a joke? I only got to talk to him for 10 minutes, and that's between 40 minutes of waiting."
If that's how it is now, imagine getting married to him and the only time you would be together is asleep in bed. You would also have to work around his schedule and thus feeling unimportant, like you are constantly on a waiting list.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 September 2015):
I think he just didn't see himself with you in a dating situation.
The bad news is that he didn't see you as a potential date
The good news is that he didn't prolong things beyond the awkward blind date thing your friends set up.
If he's working as a bartender AND has another job? When would he be available for a girlfriend anyway?
I'm guessing that he's probably not available but hasn't clued his friends in. He could be gay, he could have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Whatever.
What you should NOT do is take it personally. He's just not the guy for you and that has nothing to do with your looks or your overall datability. :D
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2015): Also remember that you have mutual friends. If you said something a little unpleasant, they may have happened to tell him!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2015): "He apologizes for being so busy and says something to the effect of, "it probably wasn't such a good idea so suggest meeting up here". I told him not to worry about it and that there wasn't much he could do as he was working, etc. etc."
It was at the suggestion of your friends to introduce you to a guy while he was working. He had patrons to attend to, and that meeting wasn't a date. It was an introduction. Why did you say not to worry about it, if you didn't mean it?
"His return text said, "thanks for coming down and sorry I was so busy". NOT it was nice to meet you, too. NOT would you like to get together when I'm not AT WORK."
If you sat with an attitude, or got a little perturbed by the fact he had to do his job (which pays his bills may I remind you); your irritation was probably evident, and a bit of a turn off. Ask your friends. If they're good friends; they'll be honest with you.
"His return text said, "thanks for coming down and sorry I was so busy". NOT it was nice to meet you, too. NOT would you like to get together when I'm not AT WORK."
Why did he have to echo your words and tell you how pretty you are when you only just met, and hardly had a decent conversation?
I have friends who are bartenders. They are excellent judges of people and character; because they meet all kinds and see people in ever range of attitude and emotion. Take some responsibility for the impression you may have made, before you judge so harshly. Re-read your own post; then you'll see exactly what I mean. You come off a trite conceited. You may not mean to, but if that's how you represented yourself to him; that just may be the reason he isn't getting back in touch with you.
There's a lot you can read in a person's face and tone. They may pretend to be polite, but you can easily tell when they're faking it.
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