A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:i have spent the last two hours reading various responses to the questions on this site and i noticed that in general there is a trend toward condemnation of people who dare to have a different take on sex than what the morality police deem acceptable. i have never seen such hatefulness towards people who strive to reach sexual freedom/satisfaction. if my husband had been so narrow minded, i would never have had the satisfying sex life that i have had over the last 30 years. my husband was a soldier for over 26 years. when we were first married, my husband was assigned to vietnam for a year. the year was hell for both me and my husband. i was having no sex and he was in combat. it was so hard to do with out sex for a whole year after having a very sexual life, but my husband was in danger everyday and i felt i should put sex out of my mind in respect to what he was enduring. he came home but only for 6 months and was shipped out to turkey, which at that time was a hardship tour and family not permitted. no danger there and i was again living sexless. one nite we were talking on the phone and he asked me how i was doing sexually and as i was telling him how hard it was to be celibate, i started to cry and demanded he get out of the army and stay home. but my husband was a professional soldier and like a pro in a tough spot, he came up with a plan of action. he told me to go out, meet someone and get laid. i was stunned and began to say i couldnt do that and it was wrong and immoral, etc, etc. he cut me off and said why was it. why i could not have sex with other men to satisfy my needs and still feel dedicated to him. he said he could handle it if i could handle it. i said that i would give it a try and we discussed what would be best; different men or the same guy until he came home. he felt i would in the long run feel better with different men for two reasons; sexual variety and less likely that pure sex would become an emotional attachment. within 3 days of the phone call i had met someone and the sex was great. my husband called me a few days later and i told him about it and he said he felt happy for me. after he came home when the year in turkey was up, everything was fine. he was happy to be home and the sex was great. this time he was home for two years and when they were up and he was going away to a six month long advanced training course, he said that if i wanted i could see other men while he was gone. which i did and enjoyed very much. i told him that this shouldnt be so one sided and if he met anybody he should feel free to have sex with her but i wanted to know about it. after he went out with a woman and he told me all about it, i was a bit anxious and when i saw no difference in how he was towards me i relaxed and quit worrying. we went on this way when ever he was deployed to a tour/TDY/school and i couldnt go with him. after several years we had another conversation and he asked me if i ever had desires to have sex with other men when he was home and if i have, why havent i told him about them. i admitted that it had happened several times and said i didnt want him to feel like he wasnt taking care of business. but, i told him i did want to go out every once in a while. he said it was ok and have a ball if i want to. soon i was going out for sex with different men about 3 or 4 times a month and after a while we were quite comfortable with this. during one date, i found out the guy and his wife were swingers and he took me home to meet his wife. we hit it off and i took my husband over to their place and we been swapping with them every since. i still go out every now and then and we swing with four couples. we are happy and satisfied. i dont understand why people cant put aside their little jealousies and find out what their partners needs are and try to help them meet them. why are they so afraid of sexual freedom. military people are more open minded i have found. many military couples solve their separation problems just like my husband and me. i find it a shame that women are so intimidated by society and morality police into not finding how exciting sexual freedom can be. fear is a great crippler. why do you all have to bow down to the oppressors? why cant you be free? why are you men so insecure?i love how it turned out for me and cringe to think of how it would have been if my husband hadnt been so understanding and brave enough to be different than everybody else.
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celibate, insecure, jealous, military, sex life, swinging Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2009): kudos to you.that type of lifestyle just does not work for some people.now I will say that if they make negative statements about others for their choices, thats wrong.but a person like myself, I would never agree to allow my wife to do that, but I have no objections or negative opinions on those like your husband who can.thats the funny thing... most things people past judgement on in this world are pretty harmless in a practical sense.yet when it comes to something that needs speculation folks seem to ignore it.i say live and let live.if its not harming anyone , people should be allowed to do it if it makes them happy.
A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (26 May 2008):
 The aunts on this site are generally sexually liberal but socially conservative. They are very sensitive to people being hurt and quite loath to give advice that might lead to cheating, infidelity, and similar hurtful situations. They thus tend to recommend monogamous arrangements.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (26 May 2008):
 Hi there,
well I think you may be jumping the gun a little. It is true people can moralise on this site but that is true in all walks of life. You take the good advice with the bad.
In your case you and your husband have found a common ground where neither are you are threatened by the other being intimate with a stranger. Most people can't understand how this would work as they think the jealousies would eventually ruin the marriage. You yourself suspected this might happen so you should at least be able to understand why people think this way.
In any event, I'm always of the impression that if it works for you then continue to do what you are doing. You sound like you have a varied sex life so I certainly won't judge your life choices - go for broke I say.
But just realise that for most people they do find it hard to have sex with someone they are not in a relationship with.
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (26 May 2008):
 Hi, You and your husband found an approach that worked well for the two of you. That is great, it was a mutually agreeable situation. Others as you have said, make such agreements. But there are a lot of pitfalls to such situations, people don't always know, when they are going to be more than sexually attached to someone they only want to have sex with, it can get to be a bit tricky. Remember when you said you were observing your husband for any changes, and relieved when there weren't any. This is the chance you take. Emotions can get out of control, on both sides, then what? It worked out for you, or is working out, open relationships can blow up sometimes, as I said pitfalls and unintended consequences. The situations, responded to on this site, are analyzed and the advisors try to guve the best advice they can, with the limited information they have. Life is just that, life, and many things go on in people's minds and with their actions, whatever makes people happy, within the confinds of acceptable behavior, of those involved, should be the rule. The ultimate decision is up to the person being advised. Happiness is relative after all. Take care and thanks so much for sharing. Be good to yourself.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (25 May 2008):
Well for what it's worth I tell people to do what makes themselves happy as long as they don't hurt other people. What you did was fine because you had an amazingly understanding husband.
Personally while my hubbie is in Iraq I will not be sleeping with any one else - technology has come a long way since Nam. Type "Rabbit" into google.
Job Done!
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008): You were both very brave taking that approach to sex and I'm glad it worked out for you and that you both found something you enjoyed.
But there is very rarely the agreement being made now-a-days that you and your husband had.
If people wish to do this and both partners are happy then good for them, there's nothing wrong with it.
But if one partner is unhappy in a situation like yours then there is no reason they should feel as though they have to go through that pain because their partner is unsatisifed by them.
The people on this site, I find, dislike dishonesty.
People write into this site asking what to do about their boyfriends, girlfriends, wives or husbands cheating etc. You did not cheat or your husband, it was a mutual agreement, but for many of the people asking advice it was not a mutual agreement and they want help in finding a way past the pain of being lied to and descieved.
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