A
female
age
41-50,
*ckstooplay
writes:Unique porn problem ~ married very sexually active and outgoing have or will try anything at least once. My husband has always liked porn when we were younger it bothered me but, I have 5brothers and I know what boys do :) - but, now the porn is on every single night we have sex every night as well but, I really don't want to watch porn evey day. Don't get me wrong it's fine a few times a week but,why does it have to be put on every night ? It's bad enough that usually in the morning about 85% of the time I get up I take the kids school ect. he stays at home and finshes at least a hour sometimes more of internet porn so whats the need of having it on again ? In the mean time beings he is self employed that means its 2 hours later at night that he gets home from work to be by his family. Of course he is not addicted. I am not ugly in any way shape or form I keep my house spotless I am pretty much as close as you can get to Martha Stewart and Porn star mix ha ha ~ It just seems like there could be some happy medium. I would like to have sex without porn on eveytime I would like some forplay or what have you. Back to our sex life you name it he gets it ~ I think he is being a little selfish and I think I am being a little sensitive to his porn thing but,come on he gets callous's from mastubating so much it just seems odd to me. What am I missing ? What can I do to not feel so subpar ?
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male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (6 September 2009):
 It is probable that he will always, or eventually, revert to pornography for much of his sexual pleasure.
A
female
reader, lckstooplay +, writes (4 September 2009):
lckstooplay is verified as being by the original poster of the question "softtouch" I like your advice ~ So, I called him up and left a message that next weekend we are going to go take the boat out just him & I ~ I called my mother to watch the kids ~ and nicely added that just him & I were going no tvs, no computers, no cell phones (I forgot earlier to mention hat he also views porn on his cell phone as it has internet access)
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (4 September 2009):
 First off I want to say your husband is extremely fortunate. From everything I have read, you love him so very much and that's truly a gift that he has there right in front of him. You seem to be very forgiving and very understanding and to that end, he should realize that his life is very good. Very few men have that kind of a relationship going where the wife is so understanding.
Now to the two questions you posed.
"I let him induldge himself so shouldn't there still be a limit ?"
Yes, absolutely. He needs to spend more time taking care of your needs, not his porn habit. This means he has to wean himself off of it. Maybe even get some help. You are supposed to be the "love object" of his heart.
"How is the best way to speak to a guy when they know they are wrong and you know they are wrong but, they refuse to bend ?"
He's in denial. Until he admits that he's got a problem with this (as in he has taken a curiosity and turned it into a full-time endeavor), he is going to resist you.
Here's a suggestion. Can you two get away somewhere, where its hard to get internet access or access to any electronic media displaying porn? Maybe go camping somewhere? Go to one of those kitchy bungalos somewhere?
If he has to spend time with you alone and no porn around, I think you can start turning his attention to you. He seems to be highly sexual, so I don't see a problem with him reaping the rewards of having you as his partner sans porn.
The other way to do it is to gently and lovingly look him in the eyes and tell him he's hurting you so badly that you can't take the pain anymore. If he loves you and I suspect he does, he will finally listen to you instead of denying everything.
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A
female
reader, lckstooplay +, writes (4 September 2009):
lckstooplay is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. I was being sarcastic when I said he isn't addicted to porn of couse he is !!! The problem is that the older he has gotten & the longer he has done it he is becoming more desensitized to my needs. I have brought the issue back up with him again & of course the defense comes right out. I don't want to fight with him but come after 17 years of marriage one would think we could meet a 50/50 agreement. Here is what I proposed to him ~ Every other night we can watch porn ~ every Friday, Wednesday, & Monday he can go on internet however he can not let that time he spends on internet innterrupt his self employment schedule. Also, he needs to be able to still perform for me even on the internet porn days. I think I am being more than gracious in my offer. I just would hate for this to be the reason for me leaving but, he I think is so blind to the fact that most women don't even allow it in thier homes let alone view it on a regular basis. I am a very giving person & I let him induldge himself so shouldn't there still be a limit ? How is the best way to speak to a guy when they know they are wrong and you know they are wrong but, they refuse to bend ?
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (4 September 2009):
Hope you will consider my opinion:
Point 1: Video pornography can, and often does, become so addictive that most any man may unfortunately begin to shift his solutions for sexual release from reality to imagination - facilitated by hand via visual stimulation.
Point 2: Wife or girlfriend may become and remain unsatisfied. Said partner may possibly leave.
Solution: Man learns to take good care of his woman on a regular basis - even if he occasionally whacks-off to fantasy. Most of us do entertain fantasy, even frequently, but it is most physically and mentally healthy to do the real thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): Are you sure he's not addicted?
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (4 September 2009):
 You should read some of the letters we get here. If the husband even thinks about viewing porn the wife or partner goes into a state of moral shock.
So I think you are very permissive in your approach. Your husband is lucky. He needs to know that no woman would put up with this, he's very lucky to have you in that you dont mind a bit of porn ( and a few times a week could be considered regular viewing ).
Tell him, it's overkill, how about a movie every now and then..there are other things in life other than porn. Sounds like your husband has gotten fixated on porn, he nees to be weaned off a bit.
Don't back down, you have every right to watch something you want, it is a equal relationship is it not?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): Your husband comes across as an insensitive porn addicted clod. Maybe you guys should get out more and turn off the internet so you can get back to REAL LIFE. Three hours of daily porn makes me want to call him BONKERS!
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (4 September 2009):
I agree with what you're saying. The flip side is, he has to pay more attention to you as his wife, a real woman in his arms. Not some bimbo acting in a porno flick. You're right. He would feel inferior of you were watching some guy who's built like The Rock while having sex.
The basic premise here is that its not a sex olympics, at least not unless you want it to be. Intimacy is about getting into each other, not the TV screen.
The most gratifying sex I have ever had is when I am emotionally and sexually connecting with the woman I am making love with. That's the goal. The porn might come in handy once in a while but I think I would not want to rely on it on a regular basis.
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A
female
reader, lckstooplay +, writes (4 September 2009):
lckstooplay is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes,desensitized & bored are good words to use! However I also feel like I am constantly competing in the sex olympics. Which I understand that it is not a mans intention to make thier spouse feel that way about porn but, what if I were to always have a photo or poster of some guy that I had to look at everytime I was being intimate with my husband wouldn't after a while the excitement or whatever run out - wouldn't eventually the male feel inferior ?
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (4 September 2009):
This is one of those rare moments where I think you need to work on adjusting his behavioral patterns.
Here's what I see. You don't mind the porn on once in awhile. Its exciting. But from what you're saying, its gotten boring now.
What I would suggest you do with him is simple. That is ask him to stop spending time watching the porn, and start spending more time paying attention to you, his wife.
The way you suggest it is simple. Turn off the porn, have him hold you nicely and spend time kissing and paying attention to your body. Have him lavish you all over.
Take enough time in the foreplay department so that you two are actually into each other instead of glued on to the porn.
Do this starting a couple of nights a week. Since he's highly sexual as it is, it won't bother him as much, and if you reward him with some nice things that you know are special to him, he will pay more attention to you.
The porn in my opinion is a distraction for whatever reason, at least its to you. Frankly I can see where its actually detracting from your intimacy.
To me its fine to have some porn going once in awhile and sort of share in the naughty experience. But if I had to watch porn and have sex every night, it would totally desensitize me to the real thing. Too much of a "good" thing is not good.
I do have to say though that congratulations, it seems like you two have a very healthy sex life together.
In a way you are fortunate. Changing the behavior patterns will help both of you connect more on a mature and intimate level.
But if you condition sex on porn, its not going to be as much fun as getting into each other instead. To me that's really the number 1 goal.
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