A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I work in a mainly female work area. There are some much older very experienced men. But then men seem to stick together and that bothers no one. Some of them are dinosaures. One has to get help to look at his emails and none of them like using the computers much.And one fairly bitchy lady in charge who hardly talks to us, just announces things. However one good thing is that the boss has told me that she really appreciates that I am so good at doing the work I do, so that is a good thing. The bad thing is that she is out so often that I can go days before I see my manager, and even then I am lucky if she says hello. She is not very caring and if anyone is being mean to anyone she is not supportive.But I am finding it upsetting as three older women in the area who do related (but different) work to me are being extra bitchy to me or they are deliberately rude to me and it is embarrassing. I raised a valid point at a meeting on Friday and one of the older women just attacked me verbally. My best friend at work says that people rolled their eyes at the older women's behavior. But no one said a thing. So I tried to smoothe things over and took responsibility and acknowleged her concerns.And when it was my turn to give a report the three older women started talking to each other in the middle of the meeting as if I was not there Once again the Manager did nothing. So I stopped talking and looked to the Chair. My silence and other people's looks at the three women stopped them talking. So I continued with my report. And three second later the three women starting their converation again. So I repeated as above. With silence and a look to the chair.I do not want to be rude in the meeting. when I finished my report the boss then just went on to the next item.Good thing that I get on with my research and just get the job done.My qualifications are good. And I specialise in a particular area of work that I find very rewarding. And I am not interested yet in climbing the ambition ladder. the three bitchy three women are a tiny bit older than me. They do not have my qualifications and do not do the same work as I do. But two of them seem resentful that I got the job I did. Except thety did not apply for it. And they have never shown any interest in doing the work. Until now. Recently they seem to be going out of their way to pick fights with me and I do not know why. I watch my Ps and Qs with them. Well not just me either. one of them said a really horible thing to my friend at work who is a single parent. And she was upset so we went to lunch together that day and I gave her support over lunch and we talked it out. I do know that previously the three bitchy women tried this with two much older women. Who the three bitchy women thought were nearing retirement. Those Older women also do the same sort of work as I do and I like both those older women.The meanness did not work. Both of the other two older went into their shells and stopped talking openly to others. One of them did retire. But management did not replace her so there is a bit more work for the others (me and two others) to do.And the retired lady is lovely and we still occasionally meet for lunch. She has been very helpful and she has reminded me to sign and date everything. keep a copy of all I do and I take her advice. And she has recently told me to watch my back, after I told her about the three giving me the cold shoulder which I hate.But why do women think it is OK to be so bitchy to other workers? It hurts the atmosphere. One of them claimed I said something I did not and another worker was adamant that I never said it (I did not) and the bitchy woman was really angry (I think because she failed to get me into trouble). Another time she said I had not given her something. But I had email proof that I had sent it. The bitchy woman obviously did not realise that I keep all my sent emails. Can anyone tell me what I can do to not let this 'get' to me? I love my job and I do not want to leave.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (19 February 2012):
 Sorry my follow up is so late. I made the point badly, I wasn't trying to tell you that assertiveness would help, I was trying to show you that it doesn't matter if your assertive, or if your quiet and kind like some of the ladies you mentioned, or calm, firm and trying to please like you... Bullies have jealousy problems and they will attack anyone at all.. it's nothing to do with the way you are.That's why Mystiquek's advice is great, about trying to "play together, play their game" and somehow get them on your side.Also, I didn't think that management would help. But they do have a duty (under health and safety) to tackle bullying, but most times they don't know how to handle it, because bosses and management can be frightened of bullies, or can be bullied too. I wanted you to tell management, because I want all evidence to be written down and collected. Now management can't say they don't know, because you have told them, and if it get's into a position where you have to get legal, you have proof that you've brought it to their attention.I didn't manage to beat the bullies, nope not at all. I wish I could have handled things the way you are doing and I might have been in a better position.Don't know about Australia, but we recently had a woman doctor awarded a couple of million pounds because of bullies at the work place. Try very hard not to believe it is you. If you wasn't there they would bully other people. Try also not to take this problem home. Try to build a work face, a way to be, that you shed as soon as you get home. Just to stop them from infecting your home life with their unkindness.Make sure home is a safe and happy place, somewhere you can relax and be yourself. I've also just checked the internet for more information, I think you should do the same. Again Mystiquek's advice is spot on.. I found an article which explains that bullies may have been bullied in their past and so kindness may calm them down. Search for articles on Bullying, you might find better techniques than we have been able to offer here.http://www.tes.co.uk/article.aspx?storycode=2616040 (Bullies become the bully)Good luck, and if you manage to deal with this, please come back and tell us all, so other's can be helped.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012): Hi Miamine, I wish I could be more asseertive but I am scared of making these women worse. I am going to try and after reading your advice I spoke to my manager. not much joy there. She waved me away and told me I care too much.Keeping a record of everything is going to be easy as I am naturally methodical. And it might give me more clues to what happens before in the lead up to being nasty so I can avoid it. You advice is really really spot on and I am sorry you suffered it too. You seem very strong so perhaps there is hope for me yet.Mystiquek I liked your advice too as you have clearly beeen through it as well and I agree I do not understand it either. Just an example yesterday. One of the mean women got in the lift and was juggling a parcel under one arm and her bag and her pass in one hand (she was in front of me so I could not get near the buttons) so I pulled out my pass and offered to help swipe the pass card and pres te buttons so she did not have to. There was no one else in the lift to see this, but as I went to help she slapped my hand and said, 'wait your turn'I was so shocked I just turn to face the doors and did not look at her again. I would never do such a thing. Except it was only her and me in the lift. As soon as she got out the lift she made a beeline for her co conspirators. And I thought if I dare to say anything she is likely to accuse me of doing to her that which she did to me. So I stayed silent. It was a mean thing to do. I really like your idea of killing them with kindness.Both of you have very helpful advice. Thank you and I think re-reading the advice several times over is going to really help.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 February 2012):
I know exactly how you feel, been there myself. And because I'm a direct person and will just tell them they is wrong to their face, or stop them gossiping about other people, they were careful to do all their nastiness behind my back, and I would then get reports from other people in secret which I could do nothing about.
This is workplace bullying, and your employer has a duty to stop it. So you could take it to management, just like you did here. Things that are concrete and solid, like talking durring a presentation in a meeting could be easily corrected. Problem is, like racism, telling people to stop, just makes them underhanded and hidden in their attack. It won't stop them, but they will continue in a much subtle way.
Continue as your doing, keeping records of everything. You could try calling them out, when they mess up, such as the situation where you had email evidence. Keep all records, date and sign everything, and if it's really bad, then keep a diary as evidence of what was said, by whom and when.
Your doing everything you need to protect your back. Stick to other workers that aren't like this, and encourage them to also fight back. There are safety in numbers.
They are jealous of you, and are not really aware of why they act like this. Jealousy can make us do awful things, and that's why they want you out. You make them look at their inadequate lives and feel sad. As I said, continue exactly as you have been doing, eventually if the bullies keep see you fighting them, embarrassing them and putting them in their place, they will get frightened and give up and turn on somebody easier. Put in a complaint to management if it's destroying your health or work badly. Otherwise you always have the option to leave if you can find a position suitable for you.
One thing I've learned with problems at work, it's really not worth destroying your health over. Sure you might lose money, but in the long term, a happy work environment make a big difference to your life. Walk away if it's too bad, there are much nicer places than this to work... and like mystique says, always make sure that your polite and kind and smile... it's makes them feel terrible and guilty.. lol
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (11 February 2012):
 Oh do I feel for you sweetie! I have been there! A small office setting can be like a jungle..everyone out for the kill!! I have never understood why women can be so mean and so catty. Men normally are not like this at all. I worked for the government and it was a very hard job to get so of course I wanted to keep it! There were 3 older women in the office, I was the youngest. I was married, had children, these other women were about 20 years older than me. Our boss was a man, and he never wanted to get involved in anything, so he just turned a blind eye to anything that happened. At first these women were nice enough, but slowly they started to turn on me, always trying to start trouble, then openly making fun of me. I don't know if they were angry because I had more years under my belt with the government, because I had a college education, or they were just mean angry people in general?? I never did know. I would go home and cry though because they were so mean. I started doing as you did, covering every little thing that I did, never trying to cause trouble but always defending myself when I had to. I made it clear that I wasn't going to go anywhere, and they were stuck with me. I killed them with kindness. I went out of my way to be polite. I don't think they knew what to make of it...but eventually the back stabbing stopped. I wouldn't say we ever became friends, but we learned to "play together" and at least respect one another. Make it clear that you aren't going anywhere (at least until you're darn good and ready) and I know its hard but try to be the bigger person and ignore their rudeness and stupidity. And always always always protect yourself! Maybe eventually they'll just get sick of it. Bullies are like that. Its not fun anymore when the person they're teasing won't play!
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