A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, This is not really a relationship question as such, but something that can be a little annoying sometimes. Pretty much every time I am with another male friend or colleague, and I have a conversation with a female, whether she be a friend, or someone I don't know that well, When I ask a question of her or bring up a subject, she will respond, but when replying back, appears to avoid eye contact with me. Usually she will make all the eye contact with the person I am with, which is pretty obvious as I am looking at her while she talks (which is the normal thing to do). There is one lady who I see occasionally with my male colleague and she does this every time. And even a close female friend did the same thing recently. Can anyone explain this to me or am I making a big deal over nothing? To me it is common courtesy to make eye contact with the person you are talking to. Many Thanks guys! Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2017): Thanks everyone, some mixed answers there, from quite helpful to downright insulting- but i am used to this having asked other questions in the past and the responses to these. Some go to the effort of putting a lot of thought into their answers (thanks esp CindyCares), while others are happy to insult you straight away (and No that wasn't what I wanted to hear, god help anyone else you try to 'help')I could write a novel to answer all your questions back but thought perhaps just a few bullet points would suffice:1) I'm Not particularly agressive/intimidating- in fact pretty easy going and am actually more the opposite, without coming across as meek and shy2) There are no romantic (or other) intentions with these women- hence no 'competition' with the guy i am with. Just friendly conversation3) I agree that no one 'Owes' you eye contact, and I certainly don't expect a lot of it from past experience. But i do expect that if someone is talking to me at least looks at me and not the person standing next to me. They dont need to stare, yes that's offputting, however a little but of eye contact is helpful. 4) I agree in some cultures eye contact is a no no. However here in Australia it is the norm for the most part
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2017): Do you WANT to hear these women LIKE you and do not make eye contact because they like you and are shy in your presence?Something tells me that is exactly what you want to hear.Sorry to have to burst your bubble but...Actually, it is quite the opposite. When a woman likes you, she will maintain eye contact.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2017): If I could judge you by the way you write, I'd say you're pretty intense.
I think your presence may be somewhat intimidating to the particular women you've described.
By the way, why is the other guy around when you're talking to women? If you ask a female personal-questions in-front of another man, they become guarded; because they are aware he's also picking up their personal-information. Two men and one woman, and your either questioning her or pressing her for her attention. Well, she could also be looking at the guy who is better looking, or the one she hoped would have spoken to her instead.
Rule of thumb, don't use a better-looking or nicer guy as your wing-man.
You'll get eye-contact when you learn some manners, lighten-up on your approach; and if you seem as aggressive as the tone in your post, I think I see why they can't look you straight in the eyes. The other guy may show more respect than you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 July 2017):
 No, it's not common courtesy. Not really.
Unless maybe it's an Australian thing. I have heard that there people tend to be very outspoken and direct so maybe looks follow suit .
But normally there are some context in which making eye contact or locking eyes is appropriate , normal and natural and others where it just comes off like uncomfortable, rude, improper or plain weird.
If you and I were just talking casually about the weather, or Brexit, or the price of potatoes, anything that does not need to convey intentionally attention and emotion, surely I would find it disconcerting and a bit strange if you kept fixing me and trying to keep eye contact all the time.
Because eye contact is intentional, intense and intimate. It's something that signals , yes yes, I am here, I am all ears, this is important to me, or, I feel strongly about this.
Now, I am not saying that people in general and women in particular should be shifty or bashful, or look at their shoes while having a conversation- or even that they should do that cute , flirty Lady Diana thing " I am looking at you from the corner of my eye going up "- unless you want to flirt, that is.
But normally and naturally, when people are talking to each other socially, without any particular emotional investmenr, they won't stare straight into your eyes or try to hold your stare- they'll look AT you, in a sort of soft focus way, in a vague area between your nose and your chin, or slightly toward your right or left side, or will lift their eyes to your eyesì same level for just a sec then they will right away look at your hands, or your tie, or what's on the table etc.
If you think I am bonkers , I will add, FWIW, that this is not just my personal impression and experience, but it's what I was taught when I was studying in a very reputable acting school, HB Studio in New York.
As a matter of fact, what you mention would the typical rookie actor mistake.. I mean, everybody of us behaves as it just comes natural to us IRL, but try and reproduce that natural, ingrained, un-selfconscious behaviour on stage and.... no way !- you 'll have to re-learn from scratch to " act" natural. So, suppose you have two characters on stage, sitting in front of each other , who are having a casual conversation (... say, as a ruse to let the audience know about other characters of the play, for instance, ) if they start drilling holes into each other's eyes for more than just a few seconds ( and they will, oh they will ) it sucks- it's fake and awkward and clumsy. Because real people does not do this in real life.
They do it if there's a specific " intention " ( conscious or not ) behind the look - .... I want to seduce you real badly , but I do not want to just open my mouth and say " C'mon, take your pants off ".
Or , you are my political / intellectual / spiritual mentor and I am drinking you with my eyes because your words inspire me, and you set my soul on fire.
Or , you are giving me shocking, upsetting, unexpected news, and I am fixing my gaze in your eyes to sort of make sense and come to terms with the appalling news. This type of stuff.
But, in real life conversations, when people are just
exchanging informations without any particular rousing or dramatic content... no, you do NOT keep unbroken eye contact ; since, out of courtesy you don't want to make your interlocutor uncomfortable, and consant eye contact , regardless of the context, makes people uncomfortable, it just feels strange or challenging or intimidating. It's just .. not the done thing, and even if you only meant to be corteous and engaging, still it's perceived as something a bit " off " and, as such, to be deflected.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 July 2017):
 While I think it's good manners to at least LOOK at the person you are talking to (or who is talking to you) I don't think you are somehow entitled to have them GIVE you eye-contact.
Are you are a big man? Tall? A little intimidating in your appearance? Perhaps?
How about the conversation? Was it about something she didn't know about, didn't find interesting (but she still stuck around to be polite) or perhaps it was on a subject where she was MORE busy searching her mind for a good answer or interesting point of view.
Or was her mind perhaps elsewhere? Was the questions too personal? Or of a religious/political nature? Or maybe she is avoiding eye contact to NOT gather more probing from you. Maybe she is worried that paying too much attention will make her seems less professional.
There can be SO many reasons why.
I don't ALWAYS look people in the eyes when talking to them. I don't do it on purpose. I don't think most people do.
I DO think MANY women avoid eye contact with men (in general, not just you) to AVOID any misunderstandings and later sexual advances or friendly gestures. Basically to NIP anything and everything in the bud. It can actually be rather UNCOMFORTABLE when someone KEEPS looking at you when talking.
Why THESE two specific ladies do NOT make eye-contact with you is impossible to guess. And OP, they can LOOK at you or NOT as they see fit. They don't "OWE" you eye-contact.
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